Scenes from 9th Ave.

I took these about half an hour after I saw an old drunk guy being shuffled into an ambulance.

Some Good News, Some Bad News

The Good: I finally figured out why my apartment has been smelling so funky lately, particularly in the refrigerator corner of things. I'd feared it was some sort of cat litter thing. But in fact, it seems that at some point in the past, I optimistically bought produce, and then someone helpful (my mom or cleaning lady, I'm guessing) put said produce in the crisper for safekeeping. Results below.


The Bad: I have absolutely no guesses as to what sort of foodstuffs the above items once were, and I may be wanted for questioning in several ongoing investigations.

Q: What is the Diagnosis for Someone Who Pretends Her Weenie Dog is Sick So She Can Get Veterinary Attention?

A: Munchausen's by doxy.

Online College Contd.

Best post yet, in response to a question on ethnic identity.

"I have to say that I think this is funny. I am from upstate New York and I thought that everyone in the US did and said the same things we did and said... I take a vacation to Florida and I find out that soda is actually pop to them. It makes me laugh when ever we take a vacation to see the different little things that we do. By the way. Floridians think we are just as weird for calling Pepsi soda... soda to them is soda water.... :)"

Also the cut-and-paster continues to cut and paste, giving sources such as en.wikipedia.org, books.google.com, and highbeam.com. GOOD JOB, LOSER!

Here's a Great Gift Idea for Usain Bolt

Or another runner in your life. Buy it here.

OMG, I Just Designed Another Million-Dollar T-Shirt Idea

Go ahead, order one up. And seriously, happy holidays to you, too.

Did I Ever Show You The Awesome Maternity T-Shirt I Designed?

Pretty awesome, right? You can order it here.

Since You're Going to Ask Anyway

I want wine glasses for Christmas. I'm only posting it so I don't forget.

I Might Be About to Hit Bottom

The good news is, I got a sweater today. It's pink (to replace the one that I ruined three years ago by storing it in my washing machine off-season; washing machine then filled up with water so over the course of many weeks the dye in nearby sweaters bled -- who'd have guessed?) and it's not made of wool (I'm part autistic and can't wear itchy fabrics).

The bad part is that it's from Ann Taylor. So it might just be easier to give up.

Applied Learning

Here's some good news I got from my college reading. 2/3 of people who get divorced get remarried. That means if I can just find one husband and get divorced, I have a 66% chance of getting married. Those sound like better odds than what I have right now.

Guess Who Posted this in Internet College?

"Okay, honestly.. yes, it's that time of the month. I know this is personal, but I'm finding myself feeling a different emotion every 5 minutes. I went to the mall today.. oh boy. I felt happy, excited, then anxious and pressured. Most of the time, I felt them all at once. By the time I left I was pissed off over something rediculous, pleased with my purchases, anxious to get out of there, excited to be leaving, sad to be leaving. Hahah, I didn't know what to think. By the time I got home I wanted to cry.. over the smallest thing ever. Of course.. but It's crazy how we can feel so many different emotions in such a short time, it's almost overwhelming (which is also how I felt!)
-- Men don't make things any better!"

Give up? That's right! NOT ME!

On Obesity

I just wanted to let you know that since I've gotten big (I won't say put on weight, since the scale is telling me that I've simply "softened up"), I have not had any of my violent hangovers. So there is a silver lining -- I told you I'm a hopeless optimist!

Speaking of my last post, it's become clear to me that you think I'm making an exaggerated statement for emphasis, so let me state facts: I went on a date with an Irish construction worker whose birthday is May 25th. Two years ago, I went on a date with an Irish construction worker whose birthday is May 25th. They are not the same people. Twist ending! Whatever. You shut up.

(photo and omg what a photo: nutmeg66, Flickr)

Most People Would Have Just Given Up By Now

Some people would have said, "Oh, there's no black president, so this year won't be any different, why bother?"

These same people might have said, "Oh, you know, I've already dated six guys named Robert, nothing's come of it, this won't be any different, why bother?"

Maybe they'd also think, "You know, I already dated an Irish construction worker whose birthday is May 25th, this won't be any different, why bother?"

But no, what we've all learned this year is that "you never know." Optimism: It's the number-one reason people keep comparing me to Obama.

Internet Classmates

So far most of the 'significant responses' in my developmental psychology class consist of one-line anecdotes about people's kids. Samples:

* "Babies are just the coolest people. I have learned so much from my kids and they keep teaching me every day.
* "Its amazing to think that children are so aware of there surroundings. The smallest situation can really have a huge impact on who they will become."

Too true, dudes.

But this response to a question about babies recognizing faces seemed surprisingly insightful: "Early face-specific processing is not automatic,but rather, like other objects, strongly depends on endogenous factors such as the allocation of spatial attention."

So I Googled it. And yeah. I shouldn't even be getting grade school credit for this stuff.

(Pic: bbaunach, Flickr)

A True -- And VERY SAD -- Story

Last night I almost died, and I have the coroner's report ilustration to prove it. The image below is a top view of my pillow as I was going to sleep.


Then the good cat came over and curled up over my eyes, like an adorable little eye pillow. And it was wonderful. (image 2)

BUT THEN the other cat came up and curled over the top of my face, putting her paws over my nose and her gigantic, gigantic body over my mouth. (image 3)


If you have met her then you already know that it was an absolute brush with death.

Don't Moms Just Say the Darndest Things?

Last night my (bio) mom said, "Your first year at this job is going to be the hardest."

Hahahhhahahahhhhahhhahhahhahahah? Oh still laughing.

I Thought I'd Left All This Behind

... when I left the sex-book job but yesterday I found myself having to explain to the girl who cries at work that the c-word part of a female's anatomy is not located inside the v-area.

Also this week the company gave out awards to the most "ethical" employees. I think my department is the most ethically-diverse, which has to count for something. ZING!

What I Know About This Semester's Online Course

1. 87% of our grade is based on the two-a-week multiple choice, automatically-graded tests. I read the book this week but from the 15-minute exams I just took I think there's a good chance I can skip that part if I'm pressed for time.

The other 13% is how much we blather meaningfully on various topics in the discussion.

2. In the icebreaker post about why we're taking the class, one girl explained that it's to understand why her boyfriend died. So there's that.

This is how online learning was meant to be.

French Toast Post II

Okay first off, I'm not feeling bad about not cooking anymore, since tonight I decided to make French toast and the ingredients cost me $25. And that wasn't even for the eggnog kind, since it's not eggnog season yet so I couldn't find any.

Does anyone need 10 eggs?

Also I think I might be pregnant with a rage baby. It would explain my incessant craving for French toast and my rage-baby bump. Details about my rage-baby shower TK.

Bad, Bad Economic Times

So it's not just that I know three people who've been laid off from three jobs in the last week, or that my former employer totally folded the week before that, or that my current employer is constantly thisclose to being sold, or that I accidentally looked at my IRA statement.

But recently my mailbox started filling up with something I hadn't ordered. Yep, my subscription to Positive Thinking magazine has been rolled over to a publication I haven't seen since I lived at home with my mom who got it.

Check out what happens when you go to www.positivethinkingmag.com. That is some sad irony, friends.

What Happens When You Are Old and Join Facebook

So this Cool Older Guy I had the MOST GINORMOUS CRUSH EVER on in junior high (which is to say, I heard he liked The Cure) friended me on Facebook. And I have not felt this validated in years.

Another Piece of Information About the Movie Changeling

(This one is not a spoiler.)

It will make you -- and by that I mean it is making me -- crave French toast all the time.

And then I went on flickr to try and art it and I came across something called Eggnog French Toast. Seriously dudes, could anything be better than the holidays?!?

Good News and Bad News

The bad news is that I'm about 50 pounds short of the weight requirement for someone my height to start taking alli, (the only FDA approved, over-the-counter weight loss product).

The good news is that means I get to put on 50 pounds, and then start losing weight for real.

Brush With Death! (Warning: Spoilers [The Real Kind])

DON'T WORRY America. I am safe and sound after another terrifying night out at the movies. But it's true, I almost died of

a) shame that I had not ever heard of the Wineville Chicken Coop Murders

b) fracas

Fortunately, Changeling got out at about 11.

By Commenter Request

Actual excerpt from the discussion from my online Intro to Psychology class:

Question:
Transportation workers(airline pilots, truck drivers, bus drivers)are not allowed to exceed a specific number of work hours per day. What argument might you make supporting the continuance(or discontinuance) of such laws?

Reply:
I remember one time my fiancé and I were driving on the highway and we were on the side of a tractor trailer. I noticed the vehicle swerving slightly and when I looked out the window I could see the man driving with his eyes closed. They were closed for only seconds, but that's all it takes.

Reply:
wow what a scary situation. I cant even imagine having that happen since I am afraid enough of passing tractor trailers on the highway without them swerving. You are completely correct though that all it takes is a few seconds unfortunately. And those few seconds can determine life and death when you are operating such a powerful machine. Scary stuff to think about.

I started keeping an ongoing list of but after about two days, it got too depressing to even make fun of. I still have a few saved though if you guys want to see more.

Really makes your mouth water for the Oct. 27 kickoff of my next semester, no!?

David Loves These Jokes So Bad

What do you call a clever turn of phrase you're not sure how best to use?

A conpundrum.

What do you call a clever turn of phrase with poor interpersonal skills?

Dyspunctional.

Uncomfortable Proof that Your Boss Watches Lots of Lightly-Scripted Porn

So we're doing this marketing thing that's a checklist of everyone you buy presents for over the holidays. Included in the list that my boss spruced up:
* Best friend
* Weird cousin
* The foodie
* The cute delivery guy

Academia

Fact: This study about nurses in the movies is interesting. I wrote away for the full text and will update you with specifics when/if I get it.

$70 Medication Side Effect

Every fourth Tuesday, my sense of smell becomes superhuman. I can smell random people on the street, the two-days old weed in my yoga teacher's hair, someone's lunch three cubes over, whatever.

So yesterday I went outside and smelled lilacs and the scent was so strong, I had to stop and calculate what month it was. The smell kept going for an entire block and I finally realized I was following a woman who must be the source of the lilac smell.

I asked her what fragrance she was wearing (SUPER CREEPY of me, BTW), and she said it was a Jo Malone lotion, so I went to the store and smelled things until I found the lilac smell, which apparently is actually a French lime blossom smell which apparently is actually a linden smell. But hey, it was my front yard and my childhood so I'll call it a lilac smell if I want.

And I didn't even blink at paying $70 for an 8-ounce bottle of lotion (WTF?!) because a) I'm about to live on loans for a year my IRA lost 20% there's no economy we're all doomed anyway and b) it smelled SO GOOD. And I blame the Pill for the hormonal fluctuations that give me my olfactory superpowers.

The end. Now go submit a journal article about that. Lates.

Guess What I Just Changed?

The template of this page, so not EVERYTHING has to be in green bold right on top of everything else.

Guess how I did that?
HTML, people.

Let me know what you think. It's not perfect, but it's better.

And look, I know I've been terrible about posting. But, like my boss, I don't see that -- or ANYTHING -- as a negative. I see it as an opportunity to grow. Specifically, it's a great opportunity for you to slow down and grow some patience. Here's a picture from the esteemed internet as an apology.

Plus, school starts up again in a week -- another internet psychology class. So that's sure to provide plenty of new things for me to rage about that I can't talk about at work.

Absolutely Disgusting

Yesterday I was walking and I could feel the fat around my right femur start to slosh around every time I took a step. I think my body is atrophying.

Idiots Spring Eternal

I went to an information session last week. Even though I'm probably not going to school until Fall 2010, doing that makes it seem sort of real. I went to one at an Ivy League school in January, before I started my first class, just as kind of a first step in actually doing something about this alleged goal of mine. (Am I like the best life coach or what?!)

Anywho, the nice ladies at my alma mater (now my top choice because they pointed out that they have inter-semester study sessions in Italy; I'd forgotten about that resource from my time as an undergrad and didn't even consider that the nursing program could take advantage) spent an hour going over all the admissions and curriculum requirements. I was familiar with all of this from my OCD reading of the website but still, good info.

Then? The Q&A session. Q&A about the specific nursing program, that is.

"You said there's a nursing shortage. Why is that?" Sigh. The lady answered. The questioner shared. "Oh yeah because I went to the hospital once and told the guy I was like going into nursing and he said to please, because it's really really bad there aren't enough people." GOOD QUESTION.

Then another lady raised her hand and asked, "I'm an RN, so what are the opportunities for me here?" Um.... "And there are prerequisites?" Um..... please see first hour of presentation for reference. "And also so how do I apply?" I mean this went on and on and on and had already been answered. She sucked.

Still, it kinda makes me think yes, I should definitely just take out loans and go to an expensive school where at least I'll be with smart-ish people than go to some local school and spend an intense 16 months with the likes of my community college class. Yes? No? Thoughts?

Grounded

So last week I wasn't allowed to watch TV (except for what I'd DVRd, okay) or do work and I suddenly found myself with a lot more time.

So I immediately devoted all that anxiety and obsessive behavior to researching and re-researching nursing programs and reading nurse blogs. These are my two favorites:

Musings of a Highly Trained Monkey
and
Adventures of GuitarGirl RN
(she used to be an editor and fact-checker and now is a nurse)

Of course, those two are ER/acute-care nurses and reading them raises my blood pressure.

I also found two hospice nurse blogs that didn't exist in January:

DNR/DNI
and
Dethmama Chronicles

Update

Remember this alert?

Well, I found Squooshy. Like this.

Spoiler alert: Face-down in a trash can is NOT where a stuffed platypus is supposed to be.

Quite an accident, huh?

Self-Portrait

Yeah it's bad times, guys. I'm thinking I might have to give up TV, so that I can go to sleep earlier and wake up and exercise. Or at least just go exercise instead of watching garbage like The Locater. (True story.) But I'm so not ready. Only Jeff VanVonderen could convince me that it's time, and HE RELAPSED which brings me to my next point: Why bother? I worked out 4 times a week for two years and it's not like it helped my life.

I'm going running now but if my knees explode, you'll know why. I had to stop doing situps because my muscles couldn't contract around all the stomach that was in the way.

Also my bathroom sink keeps randomly filling up with water and then re-draining, leaving behind what can best be described as bloody mucus. So if you are looking for a renewable source of someone else's bloody mucus, you should totally come by.

Good Morning Indeed!

Here's what the fellow in Duane Reade was buying the other morning:
* Large box of Skyn Condoms
* Generic brand personal lubricant, 8 oz. bottle
* Two boxes enemas
* Cheerios
* Milk

:::MISSING ENDANGERED::: Squooshy Webber

Name:		Squooshy Weber
Classification:		Endangered Missing
Alias / Nickname:		Platty
Date of Birth:		1994
Date Missing:		8/27/08
From City/State:		The Imaginary Nurse's Bed
Missing From (Country):		US
Age at Time of Disappearance:		13
Gender:		Male
Race:		Platypus
Height:		10 inches
Weight:		8 Ounces
Hair Color:		Grey and Teal
Eye Color:		Blue
Identifying Characteristics:		Is a stuffed platypus
Circumstances of Disappearance:		Squooshy was last seen lounging on the bed of The Imaginary Nurse prior to an unannounced visit from her cleaning lady. Past visits have resulted in Squooshy being placed in the hamper, inside rolled-up sheets, in the shoe rack, in the cat toy pile, behind the television, and between couch cushions. Investigators theorize that cleaning lady thinks The Imaginary Nurse is too old to have stuffed animals. (The Imaginary Nurse would like to know how her cleaning lady expects her to hold her chin up while she sleeps if there is no stuffed platypus to wedge beneath her.) Squooshy went missing along with an eye mask that was later found under a pile of boxes in the corner of the room.
Investigating authorities:		FBI, NCIS, TIN
Reward:		Warm, fuzzy feeling (and warm, fuzzy platypus)
Contact:		theimaginarynurse@gmail.com

eGay

Recently I decided to get rid of some crap in my house, so I turned to eBay. I wasn’t out to make money, I just wanted stuff to go to someone who’d want it (or would put more effort into reselling it than I would). I happily sold a factory-sealed DVD box set I’d gotten free at work for $3. Good deal for them, right? I suppose there were early warning signs that my buyer was a micromanager:

8/10
Hi, Just wanted to let you know that I paid through pay pal and would you please mark the package three times with fragile on it. Have a great day. look forward to getting my law and order season 2 bye for now.

I sent the discs, then went on vacation. That’s when the COMPLETE AND UTTER PANIC started.

8/17
Hi I am realy said that I have to write to you. I got the Law and order second year a couple of days ago and last night we watched it for the first time. It arrived in great shape your shipping and packaging was first class. Episode one was great and then on the second show. the DVD player just jammed. and I cleaned teh dvd and tried again and the show jamed at the same spot. My player works great I watched dvds before and after i tried the law and order. so I am sorry but I think I need to get a full refund. I would like your address so I can send this back to you. I know you are just starting out in Ebay and I am sorry to bring you this problem. Have a great day.

Annoying, sure, but I’m on vacation and don’t care if someone feels they deserve a refund for their THREE DOLLARS. So I push the button to refund the money with a note to throw the discs away. (FYI, somehow the most appalling part of this to me is the implication that I'm "starting out" on eBay as some sort of income thing. I mean, three dollars people.)

8/19
Dear Seller<>

I mean. Just resell the discs already this is too much work to go through, especially since the tale reeks of either BS or OCD. Regardless, I send an email to the address listed saying it’s fine to throw the “defective disc” away.

8/21
dear seller this is my third email to you. once again thank you for the refund. I want to know waht you want me to do I can either mail law and order second season back to you or trash it. If you want me to mail it back i need your address if you want me to trash it I will. If i do not hear from you in the next two day I will just throw it away. have a great day.

8/22
Dear Seller: I just got off the phone with paypal and I can not just throw the dvd away I need a olay form you through the EMail or you can send me your address. Either way I can do I just want to resolve this. It is starting to be a problem. I just want to do right by you. So please an email saying throw season two law and order away or please give your address so I can send it back. Please respond to me. I was just going to throw the dvd away but I call paypl to make sure i could and they said I need writen instruction from you since it is your dvds. by for now.

This time I respond with “I have written you two times to say it’s fine to throw the discs away.” But don’t worry! My penpalship isn’t over yet! (Sidenote: Really? You called paypal to ask if you could throw away a DVD some stranger sent you?)

8/23
Thanks you that was so cool. I just got to see the email on Yahoo mail. It is all my bad and thank you again for the refund and the understanding . No more email from me I promise and thanks again.

I'm starting to see why I uncharacteristically liked the sci-fi book my brother sent me. People like this buyer and my boss make being eaten by zombies sound like sweet, sweet relief.

UPDATE
8/25
Imagine my delight to get an email with the subject line: "Please connect with me :)" with (what I pray is) a Reunion.com form letter that says:

I looked for you on Reunion.com, but you weren't there.

Please connect with me so we can keep in touch.

Vacation Reading Book Reviews 2

This time around I will be ranking these on a scale from one to five beach umbrellas.

Lush Life by Richard Price IIII
This book tells the story of a hum-drum killing in the Lower East Side (prolly inspired by this story). The narration jumps between the frustrated artist-waiter initially accused of the murder, the itchy teens who did it, and the cop leading the investigation. It's kind of like a thriller, only with "literature" cred. It seems to speak of the banality of most crime, and the anticlimactic way in which many cases are solved.

Mercy by Jodi Picout II
Some dude loves his cancer-ridden wife so much that when she asks him to, he smothers her to death. Some lady loves her husband so much that she accidentally smothers him emotionally and he has an affair. They're all related to one another and to some heroic Scottish warriors. Blah blah blah questions of love loyalty forgiveness selflessness family ho hum standard issue not bad not super

The Chris Farley Show by Tom Farley and Tanner Colby III 1/2
Oral history of the life of the now-legend. Very easy read, both engaging and insightful even though we all know the story already. I personally would have liked a few more of the ugly details about when things got bad, but the book still gives you the whole picture.

To the Power of Three by Laura Lippman I
This author wrote a book called What the Dead Know that's an Imaginary Nurse five-umbrella/tree mystery. This book, however, is lame-o. There's a school shooting in the first chapter--some girl shoots her one-time best friends and herself. But there's more to the story, obvs. Then the other chapters are just people doing stuff in the aftermath while wondering if there's more to the story. Then in the last chapter it tells you what more there is to the story. Suhnore. The suspense doesn't really build, it just wallows. Next.

World War Z by Max Brooks IIII
Were you to go on and read the subtitle, you'd know this is an oral history of the Zombie War, which is when the world is almost overtaken by zombies. I don't usually like science fiction but my brother gave this to me so I tried to power through and I would up really liking it. It's told in interviews with people all over the world who had very different experiences with the zombies, so you don't have to focus very hard on anything.

I know this is fewer books than I shuld have come back with, but you have to remember that the Olympics were on.

Where Would You Find a Book About Living in Zero-Gravity?

In the non-friction section!!!

Meet the Future Mr. And Mr. Imaginary Nurse

So this weekend I was doing what everyone does from time to time, shopping for kids online. (Since I'm now too fat to ever be marketable dating-wise, I decided I should skip to the next phase of my adult development.)

ANYWAY that's how I met these wonderful boys and I really wish I were a grown-up and/or a nurse who could find work in Alaska and/or a squillionaire. Because then I could adopt them and we could all live in a cone-shaped house with a fake polar bear rug in the middle of the floor and sleep in single beds shaped like sleighs (each one relative to our height) and have Easter egg hunts and oh my god.

I am thinking of asking my mom, the Actual Nurse, to adopt them and then I'll just come get them in a couple of years when I can support them. I'm her favorite, so it just might work. And she wants grandkids so this is perfect, she can just get them started for me.

Two New Lows

Last week I turned off Intervention before the first commercial. A whiny bulimic boozer dude? Snore.

Then tonight I started walking to the gym and then was so tired I turned around before I was halfway down the block. But don't worry, I ate two dinners to make up for it.

I bet if I died I'd look like the Montauk Monster.

So Last Week I'm On The Phone

And some guy who wants to do partner content (with my real job, not this amazing piece of bloggery) says that we share a lot of the same ideaspace. So in the future, when you hear that I've died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the ideaspace, you will know where I got the term.

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

This dystopian docudrama follows, in real time, six days in the lives of two rival criminals as they engage in prankster brinkmanship.

Along the way, they reference 9/11 and the Oklahoma City bombing as a means of proving that President Bush was the real hero for staying the course. Because you may lose a few men, but you don't negotiate with lunatic thugs—you hang them.

As a bonus, the movie is so long and boring and bleak that your mind wanders to what happens when the next terrorists hit and you have to leave the city on foot and try to figure out the best way to kill your cats so that they don't suffer when you abandon them, and then you hope you die. The end. John McCain 2008.

And speaking of movies that America loves I will tell you what other movie was boring. The George Clooney Tilda Swinton lawyer movie that was all the rage. Michael Clayton I think it might have been called. The whole g-d movie was about a memo that, if the dude was so tortured about having, he could have just faxed anonymously. I mean the end. Why all the talky talk and the alleged acty-act? The Dark Knight forced me to relive this rage all over again.

Style Consult, Please

I'm a big enough man (literally, so fat) to admit when I need help. Like now. I need someone to help me understand Ed Hardy clothing. Three months ago I feel like I'd never heard of him/it. First I started seeing it on the gays, and I did not think anything of it, for I was not a gay. Then I started seeing it on the Euros, and still I did not think anything of it, for I was not a Euro. And now I'm seeing it on the urban youth, and I am thinking something of it. I'm thinking, "What exactly does this label culturally signify?!?" I'm not evolved enough to admit there may be a type of clothing that appeals to people across the board. I need to know what subculture I'm looking at. So please, someone explain.

But also the Ed Hardy bathing suits at Macy's were like the best ones there.

Photo Library Findings

Do you like this? Can you do a better caption? Then go vote for it here so it can be on icanhascheezburger please.


moar funny pictures

From Bad to Worse

That reality TV problem I mentioned a few days ago? Got uglier when I found myself staying up to watch (a rerun) of "Step it Up and Dance." Help.

And it turns out that breaking a fork with my snout mouth was only the beginning. The day after I typed that, I was eating so voraciously that I bit my tongue. Hard. As in, so hard I almost started crying. and then 20 minutes later looked and saw that I'd sliced off a flap of skin and was still bleeding. Photo below may be disturbing to some viewers. Especially those sensitive to tongue lesions.

That is called being a pig, people.

Okay Okay Okay

Here is a new post. Thing is, I have a job now, so I have to take all my good ideas and throw them on a list to use there. Don't worry, once the site actually launches and I discover that there are "limits" as to what I can write, I'll put all the good stuff back here.

But even though I have a very glamorous, very important new job in which I am changing lives EVERY SINGLE SECOND, I still have problems, you know? I'm not untouchable. Here are a few things I'm grappling with this summer:

• Although I still work out, I work in a very cupcake-heavy environment, and I have put on 73 pounds in just four weeks.
• I can't figure out how to walk the four blocks from the new icy place to my apartment without eating the entire thing on the way. FYI: cantaloupe, lychee, black cherry, and regular cherry (well, technically it's called FDNY Cherry but I don't recognize FDNY as a sovereign adjective) are all delicious. Pink grapefruit was surprisingly bland.
• I have some issue with my frontal lobe that makes me unable to stop my impulse to watch any competitive reality show ever made. I've watched Design Star, Shear Genius, America's Best Dance Crew, and the Legally Blonde show in the last week, and tomorrow I re-board the Project Runway bus. What a loser!!!!
• I can't decide whether to eat pizza, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, or burritos for dinner.

Today I was so hungry that I bit a tine off my fork. True story.

Internet Rage

So I haven't written that much about my internet psychology class. That's not because I'm not taking it, but because it's so painful as to not even be funny. Here's what we do each week:

* Read four chapters of a textbook
* Post four answers on ONE narrow topic plucked at random from one of those four chapters
* Write a chapter summary. (Italics indicate disbelief.) Minimum word count is 600. I got a C on one I did that was 1800 words because it needed "more detail."
* Write a 600-word minimum essay on a topic from one of the chapters. So far the only feedback I've gotten is "longer and more detail would improve score."

Here's the actual question posed by the professor this week, and a sample answer--from him, so you know it's supposed to make sense.

QUESTION: 535 members of the U.S. Congress pass laws which sometimes affect small parts of the population and in some instatnces the entire population of 300 million. What factors discussed in chapter 15 might help explain how a mere .00018 % of the population can dictate the rules for the other 99.99982 % of the population?

ANSWER: There are many factors that determine why so few can dictate to so many. Suggestibility shows that people are willing to conform to what others say they should or should not do. It is a subtle type of conformity-pg 546. Being part of a group may allow us access to valuable information. "When influence supports our opinion we approve, we applaud those who are sensitive enough to be responsive".--pg 547. "Obedience was highest when---the person giving the orders was perceived to be a legitimate authority figure.-pg548. Social loafing might be seen when a group of people work together to obtain a common goal. In some instances these individuals will show less effort as there is a lack of individual accountability relative to the outcome of their efforts.-pg550.

If you think that makes no sense, I really can't even get into my "classmates'" answers. It's too mind-bottling, you guys.

And One More Thing!

I might buy this dress. You know why? Cuz it's a free country. Look it up.

Speaking of our great nation, could ANYONE win against a McCain/H. Clinton ticket? I'm no pundit, I'm just saying...

Helmet Time!

I know you guys get excited when I say that because it means I'm about to blow your MINDS. So let me get right to the point: I just bought some high-waisted pants. And they are awesome, because they have a really long inseam. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that from waist to hem these pants are FORTY SEVEN INCHES LONG. Just think about it. That is almost four feet of pantsdom. Seriously, go measure your pants and get back to me once you've absorbed it all. OMG I'm going to be so tall!

PS: Shopping report: What is up with suit skirts that go down to your knees? That is disgusting.

Photo credit: I took this Keira pic from rubyglam, which apparently is a website that exists.

Facts for Americans: Issue 2

If you are sitting in row 2 of a plane, and spend the entire flight talking to a person in row 1, and I move back so I'm in row 4, and I can still hear EVERY GD WORD YOU ARE SAYING for the entire flight and I'm sitting next to a PROPELLER?

Then I don't really care that you were up until 5 am bc your boyfriend, who lives in Lynchburg, his mother is dying this week, and you found this flight for $300, and he's coming in from Chicago, and also your ex-boyfriend goes to U of Chicago, and you used to have this great T-shirt from there, and anyway he went back to college to major in mathematics and lives in the dorm, and there's no money available for adult students, and you are a freelance writer and you've been doing a lot about healthcare education and you have to pitch stories and your editors are only nice to you when you have a connection they want; and similarly, I don't think the guy at Hertz cares that you got this flight at 5 am, and your bf is coming from Chicago and you both have cars and is it a straight shot to drive to Lynchburg, and what if instead of giving you two small cars can they give you one big car, and what is a Le Sabre exactly, and does he think you should take the car now and go there, you're staying at the Holiday Inn, or should you wait for your boyfriend who's coming in and oh my that flight is delayed how long, and what do you think I should do? I don't care because my point is that YOU TALK TOO LOUDLY.

This One's for All the Super-tan Haters

So this weekend I've been in another state visiting my DYING* grandmother, who is confined to a hospital bed. And she looks at me on not one but two separate occasions and says, "You need to get a suntan on those legs."

So for everyone who would lecture me about the dangers of tanning booths, I ask you: Would you have me defy my dying* grandmother?! Is that who you are? Because that's not who I am! I'm a wonderful grandchild. And I'm tan(ning)!

*We all are. Act accordingly.

Important Announcements

1. I am seven tans in and seriously getting INCREDIBLY golden brown. On the downside, my brain sort of started melting during my first nine-minute session. How do people do this for like 12 minutes? Your tips welcome. Also it's a stand-up booth and my arms get tired because I feel like I have to hold them up or my armpits might not get tan. Confusing stuff.

2. As both of my readers now know, I may be changing my job. This is very scary, but alas, it's hard to argue that your job is wonderful and satisfying when you have been voluntarily attending a remedial CHEMISTRY CLASS two nights a week. That is like saying your kidneys are totes fine and that you simply get dialysis "just in case." The good news is I'll be constantly stealing corporate secrets and insights about how to drive ever more traffic to the amazing Second Degree website. Seriously I think I can top 10 unique visitors a month, and then it's just a matter of hours before Google acquires me.

3. I got the first issue in my subscription to Positive Thinking magazine today. If you don't believe me, eff you. I love it! Read it if you want.

4. I'm really scared about a new job. I haven't had a regular commute since 2005.
4a. Fortunately I located an accelerated nursing program within driving distance of my parents' house. With an absolute worst case scenario backup plan in place, I think I can make the move.

Post-Fire Update

In my line of work as an estate attorney, I'm frequently asked about how one's possessions will be handled post-passage. Something I hear probably six or seven times a month is, "What happens if I die in a fire?"

Well, here are the basics. First, all your burnt stuff goes into trash bags (toward the right of the frame in the pic below). This is taken from above so it's tough to capture the real scale but basically there's a gigantic hill of bags. Then the fire marshals come dig through it for your bed frame (over on the left) and reassemble it to try to track down the origin of the fire. Click if you want a sense of just what a mess this is.

That sits around for a few weeks until all the insurance stuff is dealt with, and then finally a crew comes and hauls all your stuff into a two-car-long Dumpster.
Said Dumpster is then filled to overflowing, emptied out, and then filled to the brim again, this time with all the burnt debris from your apartment, which now looks like this when you walk in the front door.

In terms of both legacy planning and general horribleness, this is not advisable. So please, don't die in a fire.

Late-Expressing Genetic Link

So after our final on Monday, a few of us went out for several drinks. The four of us who had all gotten BAs already were talking about the decision to start taking classes and eventually leave our jobs (two of us work in publishing/media, one is a "refurbishing specialist" or somesuch at a big Fifth Avenue store, and another works for a city health nonprofit). What we all have in common is that we're taking prerequisites so we can get into a second-degree BSN program... and our mothers are all nurses!

What I'm thinking is that if scientists can locate the exact nursing gene, they can reproduce it and graft it into regular people and stop the nursing shortage ASAP. Actually, what am I saying, "scientists"? I've had one semester of community college chemistry, I'm pretty sure I can take it from here.

PS This picture really is of my mom. She's super pretty. We look nothing alike sadly.

FAQ: Don't Be Ridiculous

What Are You Doing (Mondays and Wednesdays) the Rest of Your Life?

Let me know, because I will not be in class! WHOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO SUMMER.

PS to all those who were concerned by my decision to not study seriously for the final, it paid off timewise, as all the stuff I tried to cram on the subway ride down to school? Not on the test.

Also, in scientific prerequisite terms, I am 25% on my way to nursing school. Internet college starts Wednesday but still. I can't believe I went to college for an entire semester of boring chemistry. Remind me to tell you tomorrow about the breakthrough genetic discovery we made on the last day of class.

Status Report: FAIL

Bad news, fellow Americans. I have been tanning three times on the suggested regimen and so far there is not much to show for it, just my regular purplish-undertoned pastitude.

Fortunately, I am an optimist, so I choose to view this as validation. I have probably said one thousand times in the last three years that I have a deep, dark olive complexion. Well, it turns out that I do! That's why I'm not tan yet or even burned—because the powerful UV cancer tan rays cannot penetrate my external shell of golden brown. DUH.

However, I have developed a (quite rational, I might add) fear of being trapped in a subterranean upright tanning booth during an earthquake or terrorist attack. So if you're looking for a way to kill me that I do not like, this is your lucky day.

I Can't Even Believe This Was a CNN Headline

This was on cnn.com last night, true story. The one about the Air Force, see? (Since I know you're busy, just FYI it says "In-suit device solves Air Force's No. 1 problem," or click to enlarge for proof.) Anyway the article is about a new device that allows pilots to go pee while they're flying. So how is that the Air Force's top priority? Because they're going number one. GET IT?!?

If you're wondering why I clicked on a story about the Air Force, the truth is that I mistakenly read "In-suit device" as "Insult device" so obviously I had to look.

Fair Warning

I just wanted to do the fair thing and give my friends a heads-up that I won't be able to hang out with them very much this summer. Not because of classes—though internet Intro to Psychology does start on Thursday—but because I've decided to get a tan this summer, and at 3 sessions a week I'd imagine it's going to cut into my free time significantly.

Listen I know I've tried before and I've always failed, because I am a failure. But this time I'm approaching it with a renewed sense of optimism and dedication. This time I'm going to become the olive-hued Puerto Rican that I am inside. "But you can't tan!" people say. But I can, that is what I'm trying to tell you. "But you're beautiful the way you are!" people (might possibly) say (if questioned). But I'm not! That's the same thing they said about why I shouldn't exercise or straighten my hair. And it turns out they were LYING.

I tried last year but my heart just wasn't in it. I got a 10-pass to a tanning place and only managed to use 8 before it expired after three months. But so far I'm three visits in and it's only been five days (you're supposed to go 3 times a week for the first month). I AM ON A PATH TO VICTORY, and I cannot be stopped. Deep, dark, olive, chestnut-skin complexion.

See you in the fall!

Things That Might Not, in Retrospect, Be Normal

True story: Last winter I went on a holiday vacation to the ski house of some friends. There were about seven of us there for several days, a mix of couples and not, and a good blend of people who'd met before and who hadn't. And it was really fun, and after I got back, I marveled at the fact that there wasn't that one person who everyone found annoying, because there always is in any group, right?

But then I realized that if I didn't think any particular person was loathsome, that must mean that I was the person everyone hated. So I got REALLY MAD at all my friends and the jerks in the house. How dare they all look down on me and make fun of me every time I leave the room?! I'm way awesome and don't deserve to be thought of that way I was just trying to have a good time you're not so much better than me either you know. I don't have to sit here and listen to you patronize me. What effers.

I think this might be a symptom of a mental disorder, but you know what I call that mental disorder? Reality, people.

My Complete and Unabridged Thoughts on SATC

1. Carrie is not cute.

2. I am definitely a Miranda, like, for sure. Even though my job is Carrielike, my tolerance for talking about the s-word is Charlottian, and my appreciation for young blond men is Samanthaish, SO WHAT.
Obvs I'm a Miranda. And that is 100% awesome with me. But you know what is not? The sad, sinking realization that it means I'm going to wind up with a Steve: A short, sensitive, "I'm trying here!" guy with a nasally voice who I hate SO MUCH that I won't even let him live with me after I have his stupid kid. Gee dee it all.

BLECK.

Oh, and in case your browser doesn't support these photos, let me do a quick sketch for you.

Miranda ----------------> :) :( <------------ Steve

Seasons' Greetings

Great news! The trend regarding correspondence from my mother continues unabated
Here we've got an Easter greeting, not just one but TWO birthday cards (one from her, one from her cats, don't be stupid), and then one "hello."

But you know who else has gotten in on my fun? My hilarious two "best friends." Although they live in different cities on different ends of the country and did not consult about this, they both sent me birthday cards from the exact same line. Same card, different cat, right down to the inside greeting—and total coincidence (no, really). Thanks, smart alecks! Who's laughing now? Oh right, EVERYONE.

Two Types of People Who Freak Me Out

Just for your files:

1. Ladies with long torsos. They look like snakes to me. I wonder how it is possible that they can have the same number of backbones as I do. I think that each vertebra must be the size of a coffee cup. I can't stop staring.

2. People who don't move their arms when they walk. Sounds random but TRY IT and you will know exactly who I mean. Why do they walk that way and what are they trying to hide?!?!?

Dear Date,

I suppose if I had to list my top three concerns with your comment, "I have a pair of purple Pumas. I mean, no one has purple Pumas," said concerns would be these:

a) You are bragging about fashion sense vs. demonstrating it.

b) I have two different pairs of purple Pumas, rendering your boast impotent.

c) You are a straight man with no corresponding team or gang affiliation talking about purple shoes.

Thank you for your time.

For Gentleman—The Truth About Your Quirky Date Idea

Something about my awesomitude inspires men go above and beyond and really try to impress me with their fun, unexpected, outside-of-the-box date ideas. What that boils down to is that four of the last five guys I've dated have asked me to go bowling. Real friggin original, fellas.

And just FYI, knowing that you think of me as "quirky" is about as complimentary as telling a girl she has a "great personality" or a "pretty face." When will they invent an emoticon for flipping the bird? Cuz it goes right here.

Though maybe they only ask me this because I wear the outfit in the picture to the right.

Happy Handsome Birthday

Dear Dwayne The Rock Johnson,

Happy birthday today! I know we haven't really been in touch ever since you un-friended me on MySpace. Maybe it's because Disney closed the account when they got done promoting The Game Plan. Is that it, The Rock? Maybe.

But I also realize that maybe it's because you were afraid of how close we'd gotten. It's true that we have an unbelievable amount in common—you're scared of spiders, I'm scared of roaches; you are tall, I am tall; we both regularly eat entire cheese pizzas. we both have tattoos. It's fate, really. And I suppose with your separation so fresh in your past, you may be wary of the idea that you could love again so quickly.

Anyway, I want you to know that I wish you the best. Maybe for this birthday I'll go stand by myself and stare creepily at the wax figurine of you in front of Madame Tussauds in Times Square. And I have a very special gift for you, so I guess I'll just hang on to it until we meet. (Hint: It's my virginity!)

Your friend,
Love,
The Imaginary Nurse