Upsides to Downswings

Sorry to make my blog so insanely personal for a second you know it's not my style but the fact is that for the last two months, I've been alternately super-moony or super-down because of what I'm going to call a Boy Problem (BP). And yeah I'm super embarrassed to admit that.

Still, here is what I've learned, so that you the viewer can take away some valuable lessons:

1. Freud's right. In sociology we learned about his theory of libido -- not as in sex drive but as in a human's energy reserves. They can only really go one place at a time. So the upside is that for a whole two months, as long as I was wrapped up in the BP, I was barely enraged by my job. Miracle! The down/upside is that today for the first time in two months, I felt a little bit of distance from the BP. The up/downside to that is that today, for the first time in two months, I wanted to build a suicide bomb and put my job in it. Jesus god. WTF.*

2. If you love someone, set them free. And also hook up with their coworker to teach them a lesson they'll never find out about. If they come back to you, or if they don't, who really cares, the whole thing is obviously a disaster to start with.

3. I'm a disaster. The good news is that I'm realizing that the same commitmentphobia that keeps me from being with someone is also probably very closely linked to my belief that I have no career future. They are both about having no frame of reference for being good enough to do something the rest of the world totally gets. And filling my time by taking classes and working out (and then drinking when I'm not doing those) serves both of those anxieties so I don't have to think about them. Yay self-medication!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that most of you knew this and never told me. Sometimes I don't know why I go around bullying my friends and giving them tough love if they're never going to return the favor.

4. Question. Do you think I'm pretty enough to be on Tough Love 2? I mean, me neither, but how great would that be? I think Steve is like a mini Dr. Phil. I love them both. That reminds me, I need to read Love Smarts soon. And also all the career books I bought that I have in my room but never look at because if I'm not at work, why on earth would I want to read about it?!

* My favorite thing about my job is the people there and the relationships I've built there (excluding any references in #2). Except all those people are eight years younger than me, which makes me the pathetic old creepy lady I think, so seriously... FAIL.**

** Don't worry I'm a success at some things. I'm very tan now, for one, and BP was like 140 pounds so I lost some damn weight.

(photo credit, WolfS♡ul, Flickr)

Applied Learning

Here's some good news I got from my college reading. 2/3 of people who get divorced get remarried. That means if I can just find one husband and get divorced, I have a 66% chance of getting married. Those sound like better odds than what I have right now.

Most People Would Have Just Given Up By Now

Some people would have said, "Oh, there's no black president, so this year won't be any different, why bother?"

These same people might have said, "Oh, you know, I've already dated six guys named Robert, nothing's come of it, this won't be any different, why bother?"

Maybe they'd also think, "You know, I already dated an Irish construction worker whose birthday is May 25th, this won't be any different, why bother?"

But no, what we've all learned this year is that "you never know." Optimism: It's the number-one reason people keep comparing me to Obama.

Style Consult, Please

I'm a big enough man (literally, so fat) to admit when I need help. Like now. I need someone to help me understand Ed Hardy clothing. Three months ago I feel like I'd never heard of him/it. First I started seeing it on the gays, and I did not think anything of it, for I was not a gay. Then I started seeing it on the Euros, and still I did not think anything of it, for I was not a Euro. And now I'm seeing it on the urban youth, and I am thinking something of it. I'm thinking, "What exactly does this label culturally signify?!?" I'm not evolved enough to admit there may be a type of clothing that appeals to people across the board. I need to know what subculture I'm looking at. So please, someone explain.

But also the Ed Hardy bathing suits at Macy's were like the best ones there.

Status Report: FAIL

Bad news, fellow Americans. I have been tanning three times on the suggested regimen and so far there is not much to show for it, just my regular purplish-undertoned pastitude.

Fortunately, I am an optimist, so I choose to view this as validation. I have probably said one thousand times in the last three years that I have a deep, dark olive complexion. Well, it turns out that I do! That's why I'm not tan yet or even burned—because the powerful UV cancer tan rays cannot penetrate my external shell of golden brown. DUH.

However, I have developed a (quite rational, I might add) fear of being trapped in a subterranean upright tanning booth during an earthquake or terrorist attack. So if you're looking for a way to kill me that I do not like, this is your lucky day.

Two Types of People Who Freak Me Out

Just for your files:

1. Ladies with long torsos. They look like snakes to me. I wonder how it is possible that they can have the same number of backbones as I do. I think that each vertebra must be the size of a coffee cup. I can't stop staring.

2. People who don't move their arms when they walk. Sounds random but TRY IT and you will know exactly who I mean. Why do they walk that way and what are they trying to hide?!?!?

You Know What People Don't Say Enough

about GI-related problems, or when someone acts like a jerk? "Encountering turdulence."

I'm going to do my part to fix that, and I hope you will, too.

Hot Hot Hot! Spring Cleaning Tip

Soooooo yesterday there was a fire in my building and I learned a hot new organizational tool for getting rid of clutter.

When you're trying to decide whether to trash/donate/keep a certain item, perhaps you could ask yourself:

1. Do I really need this?

If no, get rid of it. If you say "Well, I miiiiiiight," then ask yourself:

2. How will I feel if my apartment catches fire and firefighters throw this thing out the window, so it gets stuck in a tree for everyone to see...


...or if it winds up strewn across the street for the general public to peruse...


...or if it becomes part of a large pile being inspected by a pack of fire marshal types?


If the answer to any of those is, "Retarded," then you can afford to get rid of the item.

Yet Another Argument Against Evites

So if you invite, say, me to an event that would require me to, say, leave my borough, and I don't know what types of people will be there? I may well facebook-search the names on your guest list and ascertain whether I want to attend based on whether those people look interesting.

I'm not saying I'd do that, I'm just saying I could. So invite attractive people.

Business Idea II

So, like, I don't exactly know the specifics of the factors at play, but whatever. My understanding is that if you're even a part Native American, you get a biiiig chunk of your education subsidized. So.

We open a sperm bank, pay Native American dudes way more than the usual amount for their donations, and then charge ladies who want to buy the sperm, like, $10,000 instead of $500 for their dose. The donors win big, the sperm bank wins big, and the overpaying parents win big because they save tens of thousands of dollars on higher education.

JUST SAYING. I'm sure there are absolutely no legal issues hindering the development of this idea.

Things I Thought Were Normal Until I Said Them Out Loud 2

Well, as it turns out, not EVERYONE likes to eat ice cream in the shower.

I do, because it seems obvious to me that when it's cold out, there's nothing better than having a warm shower. Except for ice cream, but you can't do that when it's cold because you get too cold. Unless, of course, your body is being warmed by the shower at the same time that you are eating delicious ice cream.

How is this complicated?

I mention this because, if there's hot water, which hasn't been a given this last week or so, I'm about to do just that.

Awesome Mind-Puzzle (Degree of Difficulty: Speculative)

So you know how when you watch shows like ER or Law & Order, there's always this 30-second PSA hidden inside one of the subplots? Totally unrealistic dialogue that contextualizes whatever malady there is? Like...

Medical Examiner: I'll have to wait for the tox screen to be sure, but it appears that she died of boredom.
Detective: Boredom? You mean like the stuff you get in chemistry class?
Medical Examiner: It's not as unusual as it sounds. In the US alone, 35,000 people die of boredom every minute. And if the current wave of idiots aren't stopped, scientists say we could all contract some form of boredom by the year 2019.
Detective: Wow!

Okay so I read ages ago (and I'm not wikipedia so I don't have to source it for you but trust me on this) that different awareness groups basically lobby TV writers to cover their issues. Like the Society to Prevent Boredom would get that subplot on ER or whatever. Except usually it's for fringe diseases or social causes.

So what I'm wondering is if the mixed martial arts community lobbied for awareness this season, because both Law & Order: SVU and Without a Trace featured plots. (Sidenote: "Naptime" is a really good nickname, not just for Adam Beach but for anyone who likes to sleep.)

Oh and let's not forget this little movie:

Business Idea I

This genius blog name would also be a good name for a mall chain of walk-in OB/GYNs: At Your Cervix.

If it becomes successful, I shall open a sister chain of orthopedist offices called The Bone Corrector.

You know you love it.

Awesome Mind Puzzle (Level of Difficulty: Low)

Which would be worse, having no social plans for two weeks straight, or having to go see a different sort-of-distant friend's experimental play every night for two weeks? I say the latter, easy.

One Downside to My Hair Surgery

What if my unidentified skull is found on the side of the road and a forensic sculptor is called in to recreate what I might have looked like? And then he would garner from my bone structure that I had nasty curly hair and build a clay face with curly hair and put it out there to the media under the title "Dead White Lady: Police Seek Leads to Corpse's Identity." But no one would call me in because they'd be like "Well that kinda looks like our old missing friend but not really because her hair was stuh-rayt. I guess we'll probably never know what happened to her that time she got into the van with no windows."

Going Dutch

You know, I often am filled with rage, but it's important to focus on the positive as well. That's why I'd like to take a moment to salute our handsome neighbors to the east. And by that I mean, of course, Holland.

This fine nation creates a steady stream of guys who look like they're from Connecticut minus the date rape gene. They travel in girl-free packs, speak excellent English*, and something about their accent makes them sound like they're being sarcastic 100% of the time, so I always feel that they truly understand me. Don't know what I mean? Just click on this audio file I personally recorded, mastered, and downloaded:

AMSTERDAMESE_WAV.MP3

What? It's not loading for you? Man, when's your computer from, 1923? You must need to download the plug-in. I can't believe you don't have it already. Everyone does, I dunno dude, maybe call your IT department, but don't be surprised if they laugh at you for being so uncool. No, it's fine, I'll sit here and wait. Whatever—you've gotta hear this.

*I took Spanish all through high school and college, yet at no point would I ever be able to say "I work in intake at a prison for the criminally insane" or "I'm a field hockey coach" in another language, and these kids all can just from their basic education. Geniuses!

Things I Thought Were Normal Until I Said Them Out Loud, Vol. 1

So whenever I go to a Yankee Candle store (which is like all the time or at least one time per three years anyway), I will not buy anything until I have gone in a circle around the store and smelled the different flavors. All of them. I really feel like there's no way I can be certain I like a particular scent if I haven't tested it against the others.

FAQ
Q Why don't you just smell the things you generally like, autist?
A Because what if I like French Vanilla better than Sparkling Vanilla or Vanilla Cupcakes or Vera Cruz Vanilla? How do I know what a Wedding Day or Home Sweet Home smells like? Or a Midnight Cove?

Q What is a cove?
A I don't even know! I think dolphins live there. That's why I have to smell it!

Q What is your wedding day going to smell like?
A Cherry Chip Cake and second guesses.

Interpersonal Chemistry

As I've recently been reminded, atoms are attracted to atoms with the opposite electron configuration. In chemistry class, however, the atoms are drawn to those with an outer shell most similar to their own. God I'm deep.

What I'm trying to say is that, obviously, everyone in class comes to our lab group with questions, because we are awesome. (Oh, and asking the teacher for help usually results in "Read your book," "That's not on the test," or "Let me think about it for a while.") But it's not random who in our group gets approached. The random white girl? She comes to me for clarification. Anyone black goes to Hope, our Af-Am rep. The 40something Indian lady? Hello to you know who. And the Latino kids are SOL, I'm afraid.

Worst Goal Ever

Maybe it's just my autism speaking, but this seems like a horrible idea, primarily on account of this.

Pardon me while I sympathy vomit.

Facts for Americans: Issue 1

A new feature in which I offer easy, informative tips that help you help me.

1. FACT If I can smell your perfume, you're wearing too much of it. Also, you are gross and no one really likes you!

2. FACT If you can't be bothered to put the date of your event in the Evite subject line, I can't be bothered to click once for reference, then look again later, then RSVP, then go back to write down where it is, then attend. Also, you are insecure or you would be confident that a simple, one-click email would be alluring enough to your viewers.

3. FACT If you ask what celebrity you look like, and then reply to the person's blank stare* with, "Just don't tell me I look like Matt Damon"? You don't look like Matt Damon.

* Afterward: The celebrity I was thinking of but couldn't remember at the time was a sneetch. Seriously, in profile, it was uncanny. Far cry from Sexiest Man Alive, thank you very much.