3 Lists

(Because lists do really well on digg, didn't you know?)

1. Things I have lost in my apartment in the last two weeks:

• $250 gift card
• my camera
• a cinnamon roll while I was eating it

2. Things my mom bought for me while she was visiting (not including meals & entertainment):

• groceries (including 5 liters of Diet Coke)
• flowers
• lipstick and eyeshadow
  
• a candy thermometer, a coffee spoon, and a dishtowel with a hilarious catticism on it
• a purple yoga top
• 9 pairs of socks, 1 pair of leggings, 10 pairs of thunderpants
• 3 shirts
• 168 pounds of cat litter

3. Things she brought in her suitcase:

• cinnamon roll ingredients
• toffee, chocolate-pb rice krispie bars
• 6 steaks (for my brother)
• 12-pack cat food
• 4-pack toilet paper (used to help keep things in place)
  

Don't Moms Just Say the Darndest Things?

Last night my (bio) mom said, "Your first year at this job is going to be the hardest."

Hahahhhahahahhhhahhhahhahhahahah? Oh still laughing.

Update

Remember this alert?

Well, I found Squooshy. Like this.

Spoiler alert: Face-down in a trash can is NOT where a stuffed platypus is supposed to be.

Quite an accident, huh?

Meet the Future Mr. And Mr. Imaginary Nurse

So this weekend I was doing what everyone does from time to time, shopping for kids online. (Since I'm now too fat to ever be marketable dating-wise, I decided I should skip to the next phase of my adult development.)

ANYWAY that's how I met these wonderful boys and I really wish I were a grown-up and/or a nurse who could find work in Alaska and/or a squillionaire. Because then I could adopt them and we could all live in a cone-shaped house with a fake polar bear rug in the middle of the floor and sleep in single beds shaped like sleighs (each one relative to our height) and have Easter egg hunts and oh my god.

I am thinking of asking my mom, the Actual Nurse, to adopt them and then I'll just come get them in a couple of years when I can support them. I'm her favorite, so it just might work. And she wants grandkids so this is perfect, she can just get them started for me.

This One's for All the Super-tan Haters

So this weekend I've been in another state visiting my DYING* grandmother, who is confined to a hospital bed. And she looks at me on not one but two separate occasions and says, "You need to get a suntan on those legs."

So for everyone who would lecture me about the dangers of tanning booths, I ask you: Would you have me defy my dying* grandmother?! Is that who you are? Because that's not who I am! I'm a wonderful grandchild. And I'm tan(ning)!

*We all are. Act accordingly.

Important Announcements

1. I am seven tans in and seriously getting INCREDIBLY golden brown. On the downside, my brain sort of started melting during my first nine-minute session. How do people do this for like 12 minutes? Your tips welcome. Also it's a stand-up booth and my arms get tired because I feel like I have to hold them up or my armpits might not get tan. Confusing stuff.

2. As both of my readers now know, I may be changing my job. This is very scary, but alas, it's hard to argue that your job is wonderful and satisfying when you have been voluntarily attending a remedial CHEMISTRY CLASS two nights a week. That is like saying your kidneys are totes fine and that you simply get dialysis "just in case." The good news is I'll be constantly stealing corporate secrets and insights about how to drive ever more traffic to the amazing Second Degree website. Seriously I think I can top 10 unique visitors a month, and then it's just a matter of hours before Google acquires me.

3. I got the first issue in my subscription to Positive Thinking magazine today. If you don't believe me, eff you. I love it! Read it if you want.

4. I'm really scared about a new job. I haven't had a regular commute since 2005.
4a. Fortunately I located an accelerated nursing program within driving distance of my parents' house. With an absolute worst case scenario backup plan in place, I think I can make the move.

Late-Expressing Genetic Link

So after our final on Monday, a few of us went out for several drinks. The four of us who had all gotten BAs already were talking about the decision to start taking classes and eventually leave our jobs (two of us work in publishing/media, one is a "refurbishing specialist" or somesuch at a big Fifth Avenue store, and another works for a city health nonprofit). What we all have in common is that we're taking prerequisites so we can get into a second-degree BSN program... and our mothers are all nurses!

What I'm thinking is that if scientists can locate the exact nursing gene, they can reproduce it and graft it into regular people and stop the nursing shortage ASAP. Actually, what am I saying, "scientists"? I've had one semester of community college chemistry, I'm pretty sure I can take it from here.

PS This picture really is of my mom. She's super pretty. We look nothing alike sadly.

Seasons' Greetings

Great news! The trend regarding correspondence from my mother continues unabated
Here we've got an Easter greeting, not just one but TWO birthday cards (one from her, one from her cats, don't be stupid), and then one "hello."

But you know who else has gotten in on my fun? My hilarious two "best friends." Although they live in different cities on different ends of the country and did not consult about this, they both sent me birthday cards from the exact same line. Same card, different cat, right down to the inside greeting—and total coincidence (no, really). Thanks, smart alecks! Who's laughing now? Oh right, EVERYONE.

Fact: Greeting Cards From My Mother...

...tend to follow a certain theme. Can you guess what it is?


Clockwise from top left: Easter, Valentine's, birthday, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day (yes), another Valentine's Day, and... wait for it... Mother's Day, sent to me on behalf of my cat.