New Fallback Career

Without even realizing it, I have recently become fluent in super-corporate-speak. I'm like a jargon robot!

I discovered this when a friend from high school asked me how to tell her boss why the maternity leave temp shouldn't be hired on permanently.

MyFriend (4:32:56 PM): but a) what do i say that's a professional complaint b/c "she's a lazy whore who's on her call phone all day and leaves for 90 min to go get massages and plays solitaire when she is here" doesn't seem appropriate
TheImaginaryNurse (4:33:13 PM): "i want to see her take more ownership of the projects and step up in her role"
TheImaginaryNurse (4:33:28 PM): "i feel sometimes when given tasks she waits for me instead of considering herself accountable to the client"
MyFriend (4:33:29 PM): haha it's like a translator!
MyFriend (4:33:41 PM): do it again!
MyFriend (4:34:09 PM): she's always working on personal stuff
TheImaginaryNurse (4:34:30 PM): "i feel she has the capacity to take on more responsibilities and i'm frustrated by her lack of proactivity"
MyFriend (4:34:46 PM): genius
TheImaginaryNurse (4:35:00 PM): "she's so talented nad successful when engaged but i'm not sure how best to motivate her, since she's not a self-starter"
MyFriend (4:35:10 PM): you're amazing
TheImaginaryNurse (4:36:15 PM): "she doesn't seem to feel empowered to make requested changes and participate in various meetings and conversations"

Let me know what I can translate for you!

(photo credit: Crystl, Flickr)

Upsides to Downswings

Sorry to make my blog so insanely personal for a second you know it's not my style but the fact is that for the last two months, I've been alternately super-moony or super-down because of what I'm going to call a Boy Problem (BP). And yeah I'm super embarrassed to admit that.

Still, here is what I've learned, so that you the viewer can take away some valuable lessons:

1. Freud's right. In sociology we learned about his theory of libido -- not as in sex drive but as in a human's energy reserves. They can only really go one place at a time. So the upside is that for a whole two months, as long as I was wrapped up in the BP, I was barely enraged by my job. Miracle! The down/upside is that today for the first time in two months, I felt a little bit of distance from the BP. The up/downside to that is that today, for the first time in two months, I wanted to build a suicide bomb and put my job in it. Jesus god. WTF.*

2. If you love someone, set them free. And also hook up with their coworker to teach them a lesson they'll never find out about. If they come back to you, or if they don't, who really cares, the whole thing is obviously a disaster to start with.

3. I'm a disaster. The good news is that I'm realizing that the same commitmentphobia that keeps me from being with someone is also probably very closely linked to my belief that I have no career future. They are both about having no frame of reference for being good enough to do something the rest of the world totally gets. And filling my time by taking classes and working out (and then drinking when I'm not doing those) serves both of those anxieties so I don't have to think about them. Yay self-medication!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that most of you knew this and never told me. Sometimes I don't know why I go around bullying my friends and giving them tough love if they're never going to return the favor.

4. Question. Do you think I'm pretty enough to be on Tough Love 2? I mean, me neither, but how great would that be? I think Steve is like a mini Dr. Phil. I love them both. That reminds me, I need to read Love Smarts soon. And also all the career books I bought that I have in my room but never look at because if I'm not at work, why on earth would I want to read about it?!

* My favorite thing about my job is the people there and the relationships I've built there (excluding any references in #2). Except all those people are eight years younger than me, which makes me the pathetic old creepy lady I think, so seriously... FAIL.**

** Don't worry I'm a success at some things. I'm very tan now, for one, and BP was like 140 pounds so I lost some damn weight.

(photo credit, WolfS♡ul, Flickr)

Heaven!

This class has reunited me with one of my first loves: Napping!

So I got into a section that runs Fridays from 5:30 to 8 pm and Saturdays from 9 to 11:45 am. I'd been bracing myself for a 7-hours-on-Saturday (or Sunday) course and really dreading it. Why? Because ugh.

Since I work until 7, I'd previously thought I couldn't leave at 5 to get to this section. Because, I suppose, I can't. But now that a memo's gone out that we're not getting any bonuses or raises and 10% of us are getting laid off, well, my loyalty is somewhat less strong. And also, I'm there all the gd time any gd way.

So I chose the F/S section and figure I'll break it to my boss eventually that I'm taking half-days on Fridays. (Also, it's Friday, c'mon.) (Also, if they decide to make me part of that 10% on account of two fewer hours on Fridays, then they can extra b-word [not that b-word] me.)

This felt like a huge relief immediately, since all I like to do on Fridays is go home and go right to sleep anyway. Sure, it sucks to have to get up Saturday am ... BUT waking up at worktime, then going and sitting and taking notes for 2 1/2 hours, then coming home? NAP CITY.

I took the best nap I've had in years. I slept like a baby cat. I've still got the skill! As my life has worn on and my jobs lasted longer, I've had fewer opportunities and a harder time when I did have them to day-sleep. But this is great.

Plus, I sort of do nothing but lie around on weekends, maybe because of depression or laziness or general failure to thrive in society. But this is way more fun than sleeping until noon and then resting. I get something done, and then I get to sleep hard. I am like the Fast and Furious of napping. I live my life one wasted daytime hour at a time.

Also I get to go to Whole Foods at noon and this one is EMPTY. It's so surreal. No lines, no crowds, fully stocked.

Don't Moms Just Say the Darndest Things?

Last night my (bio) mom said, "Your first year at this job is going to be the hardest."

Hahahhhahahahhhhahhhahhahhahahah? Oh still laughing.

I Thought I'd Left All This Behind

... when I left the sex-book job but yesterday I found myself having to explain to the girl who cries at work that the c-word part of a female's anatomy is not located inside the v-area.

Also this week the company gave out awards to the most "ethical" employees. I think my department is the most ethically-diverse, which has to count for something. ZING!

Uncomfortable Proof that Your Boss Watches Lots of Lightly-Scripted Porn

So we're doing this marketing thing that's a checklist of everyone you buy presents for over the holidays. Included in the list that my boss spruced up:
* Best friend
* Weird cousin
* The foodie
* The cute delivery guy

Academia

Fact: This study about nurses in the movies is interesting. I wrote away for the full text and will update you with specifics when/if I get it.

So Last Week I'm On The Phone

And some guy who wants to do partner content (with my real job, not this amazing piece of bloggery) says that we share a lot of the same ideaspace. So in the future, when you hear that I've died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the ideaspace, you will know where I got the term.

Okay Okay Okay

Here is a new post. Thing is, I have a job now, so I have to take all my good ideas and throw them on a list to use there. Don't worry, once the site actually launches and I discover that there are "limits" as to what I can write, I'll put all the good stuff back here.

But even though I have a very glamorous, very important new job in which I am changing lives EVERY SINGLE SECOND, I still have problems, you know? I'm not untouchable. Here are a few things I'm grappling with this summer:

• Although I still work out, I work in a very cupcake-heavy environment, and I have put on 73 pounds in just four weeks.
• I can't figure out how to walk the four blocks from the new icy place to my apartment without eating the entire thing on the way. FYI: cantaloupe, lychee, black cherry, and regular cherry (well, technically it's called FDNY Cherry but I don't recognize FDNY as a sovereign adjective) are all delicious. Pink grapefruit was surprisingly bland.
• I have some issue with my frontal lobe that makes me unable to stop my impulse to watch any competitive reality show ever made. I've watched Design Star, Shear Genius, America's Best Dance Crew, and the Legally Blonde show in the last week, and tomorrow I re-board the Project Runway bus. What a loser!!!!
• I can't decide whether to eat pizza, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, or burritos for dinner.

Today I was so hungry that I bit a tine off my fork. True story.

Important Announcements

1. I am seven tans in and seriously getting INCREDIBLY golden brown. On the downside, my brain sort of started melting during my first nine-minute session. How do people do this for like 12 minutes? Your tips welcome. Also it's a stand-up booth and my arms get tired because I feel like I have to hold them up or my armpits might not get tan. Confusing stuff.

2. As both of my readers now know, I may be changing my job. This is very scary, but alas, it's hard to argue that your job is wonderful and satisfying when you have been voluntarily attending a remedial CHEMISTRY CLASS two nights a week. That is like saying your kidneys are totes fine and that you simply get dialysis "just in case." The good news is I'll be constantly stealing corporate secrets and insights about how to drive ever more traffic to the amazing Second Degree website. Seriously I think I can top 10 unique visitors a month, and then it's just a matter of hours before Google acquires me.

3. I got the first issue in my subscription to Positive Thinking magazine today. If you don't believe me, eff you. I love it! Read it if you want.

4. I'm really scared about a new job. I haven't had a regular commute since 2005.
4a. Fortunately I located an accelerated nursing program within driving distance of my parents' house. With an absolute worst case scenario backup plan in place, I think I can make the move.

What Are You Doing (Mondays and Wednesdays) the Rest of Your Life?

Let me know, because I will not be in class! WHOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO SUMMER.

PS to all those who were concerned by my decision to not study seriously for the final, it paid off timewise, as all the stuff I tried to cram on the subway ride down to school? Not on the test.

Also, in scientific prerequisite terms, I am 25% on my way to nursing school. Internet college starts Wednesday but still. I can't believe I went to college for an entire semester of boring chemistry. Remind me to tell you tomorrow about the breakthrough genetic discovery we made on the last day of class.

Spring Break!

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I've been on Spring Break. Woo hoo! Tomorrow it's back to this magic, with a test on Wednesday. Love it! I've also been hating my job for the last week, which strengthens my theory that I must always be working on an exit strategy or my commitmentphobia to work takes over.

Show Idea/Future Career Plans

So there's this supersmeller, see? (Like a supertaster but with her nose?) And she singlehandedly solves all sorts of crimes. She goes into crime scenes and sniffs around and explains what happened (like there's a bunch of blood but no body WHAT HAPPENED? Don't worry she can smell gunpowder in the air) or pretends to be a deputy walking guys in for a lineup but really there's no one behind the glass and she can ID the suspect from his scent. I don't know exactly what it's called but the tagline is definitely about how she can sniff out crime—don't be ridiculous.

FYI? Related ads when you search for supersmeller on NYT.com:

» Fart Noises

» Fart Machine 2

» Fart Sounds

» Farting

» Funny Fart

Overheard at My Job

This was classic.

Girl on the phone with a restaurant: "I have a reservation tonight for 8, but there will be 9 of us now. Is that okay? No? But we can squeeze in, seriously, we're all really small. Nobody's over 100 pounds!"

What's That You Say?

You don't understand why anyone would want to be a nurse?


Well I guess I just gave you about eight dozen good reasons. Now let's get this show on the road, shall we?

PS: Thanks again, America. You are awesome.

"Put Your Honey Where Your Mouth Is"

That is a line I came up with today while brainstorming subtitles for a book about kissing. But even though I am a cheesemaker at one of the nation's leading cheese factories, I was too embarrassed by how cheesy that idea is to include it. Still, it's pretty funny.