Upsides to Downswings

Sorry to make my blog so insanely personal for a second you know it's not my style but the fact is that for the last two months, I've been alternately super-moony or super-down because of what I'm going to call a Boy Problem (BP). And yeah I'm super embarrassed to admit that.

Still, here is what I've learned, so that you the viewer can take away some valuable lessons:

1. Freud's right. In sociology we learned about his theory of libido -- not as in sex drive but as in a human's energy reserves. They can only really go one place at a time. So the upside is that for a whole two months, as long as I was wrapped up in the BP, I was barely enraged by my job. Miracle! The down/upside is that today for the first time in two months, I felt a little bit of distance from the BP. The up/downside to that is that today, for the first time in two months, I wanted to build a suicide bomb and put my job in it. Jesus god. WTF.*

2. If you love someone, set them free. And also hook up with their coworker to teach them a lesson they'll never find out about. If they come back to you, or if they don't, who really cares, the whole thing is obviously a disaster to start with.

3. I'm a disaster. The good news is that I'm realizing that the same commitmentphobia that keeps me from being with someone is also probably very closely linked to my belief that I have no career future. They are both about having no frame of reference for being good enough to do something the rest of the world totally gets. And filling my time by taking classes and working out (and then drinking when I'm not doing those) serves both of those anxieties so I don't have to think about them. Yay self-medication!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that most of you knew this and never told me. Sometimes I don't know why I go around bullying my friends and giving them tough love if they're never going to return the favor.

4. Question. Do you think I'm pretty enough to be on Tough Love 2? I mean, me neither, but how great would that be? I think Steve is like a mini Dr. Phil. I love them both. That reminds me, I need to read Love Smarts soon. And also all the career books I bought that I have in my room but never look at because if I'm not at work, why on earth would I want to read about it?!

* My favorite thing about my job is the people there and the relationships I've built there (excluding any references in #2). Except all those people are eight years younger than me, which makes me the pathetic old creepy lady I think, so seriously... FAIL.**

** Don't worry I'm a success at some things. I'm very tan now, for one, and BP was like 140 pounds so I lost some damn weight.

(photo credit, WolfS♡ul, Flickr)

Online College Contd.

Best post yet, in response to a question on ethnic identity.

"I have to say that I think this is funny. I am from upstate New York and I thought that everyone in the US did and said the same things we did and said... I take a vacation to Florida and I find out that soda is actually pop to them. It makes me laugh when ever we take a vacation to see the different little things that we do. By the way. Floridians think we are just as weird for calling Pepsi soda... soda to them is soda water.... :)"

Also the cut-and-paster continues to cut and paste, giving sources such as en.wikipedia.org, books.google.com, and highbeam.com. GOOD JOB, LOSER!

I Thought I'd Left All This Behind

... when I left the sex-book job but yesterday I found myself having to explain to the girl who cries at work that the c-word part of a female's anatomy is not located inside the v-area.

Also this week the company gave out awards to the most "ethical" employees. I think my department is the most ethically-diverse, which has to count for something. ZING!

French Toast Post II

Okay first off, I'm not feeling bad about not cooking anymore, since tonight I decided to make French toast and the ingredients cost me $25. And that wasn't even for the eggnog kind, since it's not eggnog season yet so I couldn't find any.

Does anyone need 10 eggs?

Also I think I might be pregnant with a rage baby. It would explain my incessant craving for French toast and my rage-baby bump. Details about my rage-baby shower TK.

Idiots Spring Eternal

I went to an information session last week. Even though I'm probably not going to school until Fall 2010, doing that makes it seem sort of real. I went to one at an Ivy League school in January, before I started my first class, just as kind of a first step in actually doing something about this alleged goal of mine. (Am I like the best life coach or what?!)

Anywho, the nice ladies at my alma mater (now my top choice because they pointed out that they have inter-semester study sessions in Italy; I'd forgotten about that resource from my time as an undergrad and didn't even consider that the nursing program could take advantage) spent an hour going over all the admissions and curriculum requirements. I was familiar with all of this from my OCD reading of the website but still, good info.

Then? The Q&A session. Q&A about the specific nursing program, that is.

"You said there's a nursing shortage. Why is that?" Sigh. The lady answered. The questioner shared. "Oh yeah because I went to the hospital once and told the guy I was like going into nursing and he said to please, because it's really really bad there aren't enough people." GOOD QUESTION.

Then another lady raised her hand and asked, "I'm an RN, so what are the opportunities for me here?" Um.... "And there are prerequisites?" Um..... please see first hour of presentation for reference. "And also so how do I apply?" I mean this went on and on and on and had already been answered. She sucked.

Still, it kinda makes me think yes, I should definitely just take out loans and go to an expensive school where at least I'll be with smart-ish people than go to some local school and spend an intense 16 months with the likes of my community college class. Yes? No? Thoughts?

eGay

Recently I decided to get rid of some crap in my house, so I turned to eBay. I wasn’t out to make money, I just wanted stuff to go to someone who’d want it (or would put more effort into reselling it than I would). I happily sold a factory-sealed DVD box set I’d gotten free at work for $3. Good deal for them, right? I suppose there were early warning signs that my buyer was a micromanager:

8/10
Hi, Just wanted to let you know that I paid through pay pal and would you please mark the package three times with fragile on it. Have a great day. look forward to getting my law and order season 2 bye for now.

I sent the discs, then went on vacation. That’s when the COMPLETE AND UTTER PANIC started.

8/17
Hi I am realy said that I have to write to you. I got the Law and order second year a couple of days ago and last night we watched it for the first time. It arrived in great shape your shipping and packaging was first class. Episode one was great and then on the second show. the DVD player just jammed. and I cleaned teh dvd and tried again and the show jamed at the same spot. My player works great I watched dvds before and after i tried the law and order. so I am sorry but I think I need to get a full refund. I would like your address so I can send this back to you. I know you are just starting out in Ebay and I am sorry to bring you this problem. Have a great day.

Annoying, sure, but I’m on vacation and don’t care if someone feels they deserve a refund for their THREE DOLLARS. So I push the button to refund the money with a note to throw the discs away. (FYI, somehow the most appalling part of this to me is the implication that I'm "starting out" on eBay as some sort of income thing. I mean, three dollars people.)

8/19
Dear Seller<>

I mean. Just resell the discs already this is too much work to go through, especially since the tale reeks of either BS or OCD. Regardless, I send an email to the address listed saying it’s fine to throw the “defective disc” away.

8/21
dear seller this is my third email to you. once again thank you for the refund. I want to know waht you want me to do I can either mail law and order second season back to you or trash it. If you want me to mail it back i need your address if you want me to trash it I will. If i do not hear from you in the next two day I will just throw it away. have a great day.

8/22
Dear Seller: I just got off the phone with paypal and I can not just throw the dvd away I need a olay form you through the EMail or you can send me your address. Either way I can do I just want to resolve this. It is starting to be a problem. I just want to do right by you. So please an email saying throw season two law and order away or please give your address so I can send it back. Please respond to me. I was just going to throw the dvd away but I call paypl to make sure i could and they said I need writen instruction from you since it is your dvds. by for now.

This time I respond with “I have written you two times to say it’s fine to throw the discs away.” But don’t worry! My penpalship isn’t over yet! (Sidenote: Really? You called paypal to ask if you could throw away a DVD some stranger sent you?)

8/23
Thanks you that was so cool. I just got to see the email on Yahoo mail. It is all my bad and thank you again for the refund and the understanding . No more email from me I promise and thanks again.

I'm starting to see why I uncharacteristically liked the sci-fi book my brother sent me. People like this buyer and my boss make being eaten by zombies sound like sweet, sweet relief.

UPDATE
8/25
Imagine my delight to get an email with the subject line: "Please connect with me :)" with (what I pray is) a Reunion.com form letter that says:

I looked for you on Reunion.com, but you weren't there.

Please connect with me so we can keep in touch.

Internet Rage

So I haven't written that much about my internet psychology class. That's not because I'm not taking it, but because it's so painful as to not even be funny. Here's what we do each week:

* Read four chapters of a textbook
* Post four answers on ONE narrow topic plucked at random from one of those four chapters
* Write a chapter summary. (Italics indicate disbelief.) Minimum word count is 600. I got a C on one I did that was 1800 words because it needed "more detail."
* Write a 600-word minimum essay on a topic from one of the chapters. So far the only feedback I've gotten is "longer and more detail would improve score."

Here's the actual question posed by the professor this week, and a sample answer--from him, so you know it's supposed to make sense.

QUESTION: 535 members of the U.S. Congress pass laws which sometimes affect small parts of the population and in some instatnces the entire population of 300 million. What factors discussed in chapter 15 might help explain how a mere .00018 % of the population can dictate the rules for the other 99.99982 % of the population?

ANSWER: There are many factors that determine why so few can dictate to so many. Suggestibility shows that people are willing to conform to what others say they should or should not do. It is a subtle type of conformity-pg 546. Being part of a group may allow us access to valuable information. "When influence supports our opinion we approve, we applaud those who are sensitive enough to be responsive".--pg 547. "Obedience was highest when---the person giving the orders was perceived to be a legitimate authority figure.-pg548. Social loafing might be seen when a group of people work together to obtain a common goal. In some instances these individuals will show less effort as there is a lack of individual accountability relative to the outcome of their efforts.-pg550.

If you think that makes no sense, I really can't even get into my "classmates'" answers. It's too mind-bottling, you guys.

Facts for Americans: Issue 2

If you are sitting in row 2 of a plane, and spend the entire flight talking to a person in row 1, and I move back so I'm in row 4, and I can still hear EVERY GD WORD YOU ARE SAYING for the entire flight and I'm sitting next to a PROPELLER?

Then I don't really care that you were up until 5 am bc your boyfriend, who lives in Lynchburg, his mother is dying this week, and you found this flight for $300, and he's coming in from Chicago, and also your ex-boyfriend goes to U of Chicago, and you used to have this great T-shirt from there, and anyway he went back to college to major in mathematics and lives in the dorm, and there's no money available for adult students, and you are a freelance writer and you've been doing a lot about healthcare education and you have to pitch stories and your editors are only nice to you when you have a connection they want; and similarly, I don't think the guy at Hertz cares that you got this flight at 5 am, and your bf is coming from Chicago and you both have cars and is it a straight shot to drive to Lynchburg, and what if instead of giving you two small cars can they give you one big car, and what is a Le Sabre exactly, and does he think you should take the car now and go there, you're staying at the Holiday Inn, or should you wait for your boyfriend who's coming in and oh my that flight is delayed how long, and what do you think I should do? I don't care because my point is that YOU TALK TOO LOUDLY.

Things That Might Not, in Retrospect, Be Normal

True story: Last winter I went on a holiday vacation to the ski house of some friends. There were about seven of us there for several days, a mix of couples and not, and a good blend of people who'd met before and who hadn't. And it was really fun, and after I got back, I marveled at the fact that there wasn't that one person who everyone found annoying, because there always is in any group, right?

But then I realized that if I didn't think any particular person was loathsome, that must mean that I was the person everyone hated. So I got REALLY MAD at all my friends and the jerks in the house. How dare they all look down on me and make fun of me every time I leave the room?! I'm way awesome and don't deserve to be thought of that way I was just trying to have a good time you're not so much better than me either you know. I don't have to sit here and listen to you patronize me. What effers.

I think this might be a symptom of a mental disorder, but you know what I call that mental disorder? Reality, people.

My Complete and Unabridged Thoughts on SATC

1. Carrie is not cute.

2. I am definitely a Miranda, like, for sure. Even though my job is Carrielike, my tolerance for talking about the s-word is Charlottian, and my appreciation for young blond men is Samanthaish, SO WHAT.
Obvs I'm a Miranda. And that is 100% awesome with me. But you know what is not? The sad, sinking realization that it means I'm going to wind up with a Steve: A short, sensitive, "I'm trying here!" guy with a nasally voice who I hate SO MUCH that I won't even let him live with me after I have his stupid kid. Gee dee it all.

BLECK.

Oh, and in case your browser doesn't support these photos, let me do a quick sketch for you.

Miranda ----------------> :) :( <------------ Steve

Dear Date,

I suppose if I had to list my top three concerns with your comment, "I have a pair of purple Pumas. I mean, no one has purple Pumas," said concerns would be these:

a) You are bragging about fashion sense vs. demonstrating it.

b) I have two different pairs of purple Pumas, rendering your boast impotent.

c) You are a straight man with no corresponding team or gang affiliation talking about purple shoes.

Thank you for your time.

For Gentleman—The Truth About Your Quirky Date Idea

Something about my awesomitude inspires men go above and beyond and really try to impress me with their fun, unexpected, outside-of-the-box date ideas. What that boils down to is that four of the last five guys I've dated have asked me to go bowling. Real friggin original, fellas.

And just FYI, knowing that you think of me as "quirky" is about as complimentary as telling a girl she has a "great personality" or a "pretty face." When will they invent an emoticon for flipping the bird? Cuz it goes right here.

Though maybe they only ask me this because I wear the outfit in the picture to the right.

Here's a Good Sympathy Card to Give

..if you are a total dick.











Click to read yourself but in essence
Front: Sorry to hear about your unimaginable loss.


Inside: It's all about me.

The Blog About Human Suffering

Another standard class itinerary.

7:00-7:30 Wait for the teacher to arrive.

7:30-7:40 Brief discussion of whether our test will be next Monday or Wednesday, and whether it will be first or last that day, depending on the day.

7:40-7:50 Lecture

7:50-9:00 Review for test by reading the same list we read last week, then going over homework.*
*SIX basic algebra questions. For ONE hour.

Sample interaction...
STUDENT: I wasn't here, can I get that homework?
TEACHER: I don't think I have any extra copies, I'm so sorry.
*STUDENT asks classmate to borrow their homework; begins copying it.*
*TEACHER (sloooowly) continues to rifle through her briefcase and desk.*
TEACHER: I didn't come from home today. So I don't have it. Usually I have a folder. It was with me last time. But you missed the class. I'm so sorry. Maybe you can get it from another student, and borrow it.
*STUDENT, five steps ahead, ignores her, continues copying homework.*
TEACHER: You can borrow it from your lab partners. Or if they won't give it to you, that is not good. You need good lab partners. But I don't have it, so maybe get it from another student. Then you can copy it, and get it that way.
*TEACHER continues rifling*
*STUDENT finishes copying, returns worksheet to owner*
OTHER STUDENTS (watching this whole time, unspoken): Kill us.

9:00-9:05 Explanation of how important it is to attend chemistry class. You see, chemistry is not like history, where you can read a book and know the information. You have to come to class to watch it come alive. And if you miss one class, it's like building a house, but you are missing a brick. In short, house of cards, people, house of cards.

9:05-9:15 Lecture

9:15 Students explain to teacher that class is over at 9:30, not 10:00, because today's post-Easter "Classes operate on Monday schedule" means that class not only takes place in the Monday classroom, it takes place at the Monday times. Class dismissed.

Open Letter to Exercise TV on Demand

Greetings,

Re: Abs Cardio Circuit
I may be a moron, but even I know that marching in place is not a freaking ab exercise, no matter how much you suck in your tummy.


Re: AbTrimmer
ONE AND A HALF MINUTES IS NOT A WORKOUT.


Sincerely,
The Imaginary Nurse

My Civil War

Chalk up another loss for me in The Imaginary Nurse vs. The Cleaning Lady. Another cat dancer is gone. That makes three. After two, I described it and asked that she please not throw it out ever. She assured me that she never would do such a thing. But she came today and the cat dancer that I had last night is gone. Apparently my cats must have walked it to the window and pushed it out on her watch.

Speaking of, check out this packaging. See the price? That's what it should cost. No worries, I'll zoom in. So I'm in Brooklyn recently and decide to pick one up while I'm there, and it is $9.99. Nine. Ninety-nine. That is what they don't tell you about moving to an outer borough. What you save in rent you will spend on cat toys. True story.

Stuff White People Hate

I believe there is a time and a place for every power struggle but when it comes to my relationship with my cleaning lady, I should have the upper hand.

It's true. I'm entitled. Still. First there was the scheduling conflict. I get up at 8:30, she insisted on coming over at 8, because that's when's good for her. Then the throwing-away of the cat toys. The constant hiding of the stuffed marsupail, presumably because I'm too old FTS.

Now it's reorganizing my shelves. I made one teeny tiny attempt at decorating, as inspired by a special someone: Books get organized by the color of their spine, knick knacks are placed accordingly. But no, I come home, the picture with me in a pink dress is by the black-spined books. The blue toy is by the red white and black books; the blue bottle on the orange/brown shelf. What?!? I know! It's madness, I tell you.

The internet: Catch the reference.

Roy G. FMe

Tonight we got our tests back. No, not the sheet with the questions on them. The Scantron sheets. Yes, we got a grid back with nothing to compare it to. Genius.

Two months ago I wasn't sure of the difference between a class at a real school that costs $1100 per credit and this one for $150. Turns out that extra $950 buys you one thing: context. It's like if there were a whole class on light, spectral colors, and the refractive index. $1100 per credit gives you an explanation of all the factors and how the whole system functions. The bargain-basement teacher strolls in and gives you nothing more or less than "Roy G Biv."

When students ask questions, our teacher frequently responds with some variation of, "You don't got to know that, just write this down, figure it out later." I loathe chemistry and am hardly in the mood for a challenge, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty disappointing if I, say, wanted a functional understanding of the subject matter.

Wednesday I asked a question and the conversation went like this:
Me: Can you help me do these electron configurations? I got most of them but this one has an odd number of electrons and I'm having trouble.
Teacher: Oh, I didn't teach you how to do that.
Me: I know, but I read the chapter and learned to do them, but I can't figure this one out.
Teacher: Oh, that's wonderful! What did you get on your test?
Me: 100. (Psh.)
Teacher: How great! You make me feel like I'm doing something right.

SEE PREVIOUS.

Suggested Professional Guidelines

We're now 7 sessions into chemistry and preparing for our first test. Let me be clearer: A 27-question, multiple choice test.

Class works like this: Our teacher displays her notes on an overhead projector. She reads them one sentence at a time. Before she is done, someone screams "Wait, what??!!" She begins repeating herself, and then another student yells "Huh?" Let me build you a word picture.

Teacher (insert thick Eastern European accent of your choosing): Now we are going to talk about the properties of metals. 1. They are malleable, which means...
Student: They are what??!
Teacher: Malleable, meaning they can be hammered into sheets.
Student: Into what?!
Teacher: Thin sheets.
Student: Tin sheets?
Teacher: Thin sheets.
Student: Wait, what's that word up there?
Teacher: Sheets.
Student: Wait, what can be hammered into sheets?
Teacher: Metals.

Note: This is not exaggerated for comedic effect.

This continues until every two minutes or so we've covered a one-sentence concept that's both on the projector and in our reading. Obviously we've covered very little ground, so there's little to panic about regarding our upcoming test. That said, there's a free test review study session on Sunday from 4 to 6 that most students are planning to attend. And students frequently exchange stories about how many times they went to tutoring that week. For THIS shit. (FTS is going to be my new WTF. Enjoy.)

Most of the class is pre-nursing and while I usually (aka never) believe that anyone can do what they put their mind to, here I'm forced to put my foot down. If you need tutoring three times a week FTS, you should not be in healthcare, nor in any other field. Turn in your human being license. Your work here is done.

I'm talking to you, grown white lady with Candy Finnegan hair! Seriously, if you are dedicated to grasping the concepts behind our simple lessons, study sessions like this are not going to help. Go to Harvard or something. How loveless is your marriage if you're seeking validation by being the most participatory student in a high-school-level chemistry class at a community college PLEASE?

I would be far more annoyed right now were it not for my new blood pressure meds. Who'd have figured me for a candidate for those?!

Deep Breaths

So this is late because I had to spend precious me time "breaking up" with someone I met three weeks ago. Along with enrolling in college, I apparently signed up for college-era problems. Retarded.

Lab this week was more than I ever could have imagined as far as how mind-numbing it would be to be in school again—and it lived down to all my expectations for community college. I began doing the lab project assigned in the book. Halfway through, our teacher modified it. Let me let the project speak for itself:

We were supposed to dump an unknown amount of water in three different cylinders and measure it, with the resulting measurements varying based on how precisely each cylinder was marked. Okay? Great. By the end, our assignment was to:
1. Pour 100 mL of water into a cylinder
2. Measure how much water is now in the cylinder
The end.

Obviously there were not the correct amount of spaces for anything on our worksheets, because the assignment made no sense. And we supposedly get marked down if we cross any answers off on our worksheet (no word on what happens if we leave parts blank because they don't match the instructions). But as it'd be more complicated to explain that and risk making everyone in class re-do the actual experiment, I tried to breathe deeply and practice patience for the greater good. See how caring I am?? I'm going to be an amazing nurse!

Also she took attendance out loud. True story. Oh, and the Russian girl in class is named Svetlana, obviously.