Overheard at the Gay Card Store

Store guy: "Can I help you?"
50something Superqueen: "God helps those who helps ourselves, honey. I'm looking for a graduation card from grammar school... my lover is graduating."

Q: What is the Diagnosis for Someone Who Pretends Her Weenie Dog is Sick So She Can Get Veterinary Attention?

A: Munchausen's by doxy.

OMG, I Just Designed Another Million-Dollar T-Shirt Idea

Go ahead, order one up. And seriously, happy holidays to you, too.

Don't Moms Just Say the Darndest Things?

Last night my (bio) mom said, "Your first year at this job is going to be the hardest."

Hahahhhahahahhhhahhhahhahhahahah? Oh still laughing.

I Thought I'd Left All This Behind

... when I left the sex-book job but yesterday I found myself having to explain to the girl who cries at work that the c-word part of a female's anatomy is not located inside the v-area.

Also this week the company gave out awards to the most "ethical" employees. I think my department is the most ethically-diverse, which has to count for something. ZING!

David Loves These Jokes So Bad

What do you call a clever turn of phrase you're not sure how best to use?

A conpundrum.

What do you call a clever turn of phrase with poor interpersonal skills?

Dyspunctional.

Where Would You Find a Book About Living in Zero-Gravity?

In the non-friction section!!!

I Can't Even Believe This Was a CNN Headline

This was on cnn.com last night, true story. The one about the Air Force, see? (Since I know you're busy, just FYI it says "In-suit device solves Air Force's No. 1 problem," or click to enlarge for proof.) Anyway the article is about a new device that allows pilots to go pee while they're flying. So how is that the Air Force's top priority? Because they're going number one. GET IT?!?

If you're wondering why I clicked on a story about the Air Force, the truth is that I mistakenly read "In-suit device" as "Insult device" so obviously I had to look.

Seasons' Greetings

Great news! The trend regarding correspondence from my mother continues unabated
Here we've got an Easter greeting, not just one but TWO birthday cards (one from her, one from her cats, don't be stupid), and then one "hello."

But you know who else has gotten in on my fun? My hilarious two "best friends." Although they live in different cities on different ends of the country and did not consult about this, they both sent me birthday cards from the exact same line. Same card, different cat, right down to the inside greeting—and total coincidence (no, really). Thanks, smart alecks! Who's laughing now? Oh right, EVERYONE.

You Know What People Don't Say Enough

about GI-related problems, or when someone acts like a jerk? "Encountering turdulence."

I'm going to do my part to fix that, and I hope you will, too.

Fun Game

So here is a good project to occupy you on road trips and the like. All you do is invent a ridiculous murder, then come up with the corny pun-like line that David Caruso will say when he finds the victim right before the opening credits.

Like maybe there's a shootout at a massage parlor and the ME is telling Horatio that it looks like it might be a front for some other type of business, or maybe it's a body and some bruising is starting to indicate that maybe the person got too hard a massage and hours later their spleen ruptured and they died while on a rollercoaster, and Khandi Alexander goes "Who would do such a thing?" and David Caruso goes, "Ah, there's the rub."

So one I would like to see, and it's not really a pun, but it's a rhyme I learned and I sure would like to hear David Caruso say it, is where there's a body washed up shore, except some pieces are missing (or disheveled or something), probably due to pelican interference. And David Caruso goes, "What a strange bird is the pelican. For its beak [puts on sunglasses] can hold more than its belly can."

Your turn!

Here's a Good Sympathy Card to Give

..if you are a total dick.











Click to read yourself but in essence
Front: Sorry to hear about your unimaginable loss.


Inside: It's all about me.

"Put Your Honey Where Your Mouth Is"

That is a line I came up with today while brainstorming subtitles for a book about kissing. But even though I am a cheesemaker at one of the nation's leading cheese factories, I was too embarrassed by how cheesy that idea is to include it. Still, it's pretty funny.

Business Idea I

This genius blog name would also be a good name for a mall chain of walk-in OB/GYNs: At Your Cervix.

If it becomes successful, I shall open a sister chain of orthopedist offices called The Bone Corrector.

You know you love it.

What Do You Call an Egyptian Back Doctor?

A Cairo-practor.

What Do You Call a Sea Bird Who's Good At Phonics?

A smellican.

Science Comes Alive!

Enjoy this joke from my teacher, who wants to help us really remember stuff:

A proton walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours him one and says "That'll be five dollars." A neutron walks in and orders a beer. The bartender pours him one and the nuetron gets out his wallet to pay. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

GET IT?!?!