Bad news, fellow Americans. I have been tanning three times on the suggested regimen and so far there is not much to show for it, just my regular purplish-undertoned pastitude.
Fortunately, I am an optimist, so I choose to view this as validation. I have probably said one thousand times in the last three years that I have a deep, dark olive complexion. Well, it turns out that I do! That's why I'm not tan yet or even burned—because the powerful UV cancer tan rays cannot penetrate my external shell of golden brown. DUH.
However, I have developed a (quite rational, I might add) fear of being trapped in a subterranean upright tanning booth during an earthquake or terrorist attack. So if you're looking for a way to kill me that I do not like, this is your lucky day.
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