Upsides to Downswings

Sorry to make my blog so insanely personal for a second you know it's not my style but the fact is that for the last two months, I've been alternately super-moony or super-down because of what I'm going to call a Boy Problem (BP). And yeah I'm super embarrassed to admit that.

Still, here is what I've learned, so that you the viewer can take away some valuable lessons:

1. Freud's right. In sociology we learned about his theory of libido -- not as in sex drive but as in a human's energy reserves. They can only really go one place at a time. So the upside is that for a whole two months, as long as I was wrapped up in the BP, I was barely enraged by my job. Miracle! The down/upside is that today for the first time in two months, I felt a little bit of distance from the BP. The up/downside to that is that today, for the first time in two months, I wanted to build a suicide bomb and put my job in it. Jesus god. WTF.*

2. If you love someone, set them free. And also hook up with their coworker to teach them a lesson they'll never find out about. If they come back to you, or if they don't, who really cares, the whole thing is obviously a disaster to start with.

3. I'm a disaster. The good news is that I'm realizing that the same commitmentphobia that keeps me from being with someone is also probably very closely linked to my belief that I have no career future. They are both about having no frame of reference for being good enough to do something the rest of the world totally gets. And filling my time by taking classes and working out (and then drinking when I'm not doing those) serves both of those anxieties so I don't have to think about them. Yay self-medication!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that most of you knew this and never told me. Sometimes I don't know why I go around bullying my friends and giving them tough love if they're never going to return the favor.

4. Question. Do you think I'm pretty enough to be on Tough Love 2? I mean, me neither, but how great would that be? I think Steve is like a mini Dr. Phil. I love them both. That reminds me, I need to read Love Smarts soon. And also all the career books I bought that I have in my room but never look at because if I'm not at work, why on earth would I want to read about it?!

* My favorite thing about my job is the people there and the relationships I've built there (excluding any references in #2). Except all those people are eight years younger than me, which makes me the pathetic old creepy lady I think, so seriously... FAIL.**

** Don't worry I'm a success at some things. I'm very tan now, for one, and BP was like 140 pounds so I lost some damn weight.

(photo credit, WolfS♡ul, Flickr)

Heaven!

This class has reunited me with one of my first loves: Napping!

So I got into a section that runs Fridays from 5:30 to 8 pm and Saturdays from 9 to 11:45 am. I'd been bracing myself for a 7-hours-on-Saturday (or Sunday) course and really dreading it. Why? Because ugh.

Since I work until 7, I'd previously thought I couldn't leave at 5 to get to this section. Because, I suppose, I can't. But now that a memo's gone out that we're not getting any bonuses or raises and 10% of us are getting laid off, well, my loyalty is somewhat less strong. And also, I'm there all the gd time any gd way.

So I chose the F/S section and figure I'll break it to my boss eventually that I'm taking half-days on Fridays. (Also, it's Friday, c'mon.) (Also, if they decide to make me part of that 10% on account of two fewer hours on Fridays, then they can extra b-word [not that b-word] me.)

This felt like a huge relief immediately, since all I like to do on Fridays is go home and go right to sleep anyway. Sure, it sucks to have to get up Saturday am ... BUT waking up at worktime, then going and sitting and taking notes for 2 1/2 hours, then coming home? NAP CITY.

I took the best nap I've had in years. I slept like a baby cat. I've still got the skill! As my life has worn on and my jobs lasted longer, I've had fewer opportunities and a harder time when I did have them to day-sleep. But this is great.

Plus, I sort of do nothing but lie around on weekends, maybe because of depression or laziness or general failure to thrive in society. But this is way more fun than sleeping until noon and then resting. I get something done, and then I get to sleep hard. I am like the Fast and Furious of napping. I live my life one wasted daytime hour at a time.

Also I get to go to Whole Foods at noon and this one is EMPTY. It's so surreal. No lines, no crowds, fully stocked.

College Update

I'd been wrestling with whether to go this semester, since it's 7 hours on a weekend and I might throw up from boredom.

But I finally decided to suck it up, so last month I re-registered at school. And then I couldn't get into any of the sections. At all. They were all full. And then registration closed. A seat in Anatomy & Physiology is the community college equivalent of a Leonard Cohen ticket, apparently.

But now I think I've bullied my way into getting approved by the department head to register. But then that means I will have to go. So there are pluses and minuses.

In the meantime, I've made my job manageable, but I'm not sure that makes up for the fact that the industry is dying and there is no career longevity in it. So, you know, nursing. Onward and Saturdayward.

PS I got an A in internet psychology for idiots.

Since You're Going to Ask Anyway

I want wine glasses for Christmas. I'm only posting it so I don't forget.

I Might Be About to Hit Bottom

The good news is, I got a sweater today. It's pink (to replace the one that I ruined three years ago by storing it in my washing machine off-season; washing machine then filled up with water so over the course of many weeks the dye in nearby sweaters bled -- who'd have guessed?) and it's not made of wool (I'm part autistic and can't wear itchy fabrics).

The bad part is that it's from Ann Taylor. So it might just be easier to give up.

On Obesity

I just wanted to let you know that since I've gotten big (I won't say put on weight, since the scale is telling me that I've simply "softened up"), I have not had any of my violent hangovers. So there is a silver lining -- I told you I'm a hopeless optimist!

Speaking of my last post, it's become clear to me that you think I'm making an exaggerated statement for emphasis, so let me state facts: I went on a date with an Irish construction worker whose birthday is May 25th. Two years ago, I went on a date with an Irish construction worker whose birthday is May 25th. They are not the same people. Twist ending! Whatever. You shut up.

(photo and omg what a photo: nutmeg66, Flickr)

What Happens When You Are Old and Join Facebook

So this Cool Older Guy I had the MOST GINORMOUS CRUSH EVER on in junior high (which is to say, I heard he liked The Cure) friended me on Facebook. And I have not felt this validated in years.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news is that I'm about 50 pounds short of the weight requirement for someone my height to start taking alli, (the only FDA approved, over-the-counter weight loss product).

The good news is that means I get to put on 50 pounds, and then start losing weight for real.

$70 Medication Side Effect

Every fourth Tuesday, my sense of smell becomes superhuman. I can smell random people on the street, the two-days old weed in my yoga teacher's hair, someone's lunch three cubes over, whatever.

So yesterday I went outside and smelled lilacs and the scent was so strong, I had to stop and calculate what month it was. The smell kept going for an entire block and I finally realized I was following a woman who must be the source of the lilac smell.

I asked her what fragrance she was wearing (SUPER CREEPY of me, BTW), and she said it was a Jo Malone lotion, so I went to the store and smelled things until I found the lilac smell, which apparently is actually a French lime blossom smell which apparently is actually a linden smell. But hey, it was my front yard and my childhood so I'll call it a lilac smell if I want.

And I didn't even blink at paying $70 for an 8-ounce bottle of lotion (WTF?!) because a) I'm about to live on loans for a year my IRA lost 20% there's no economy we're all doomed anyway and b) it smelled SO GOOD. And I blame the Pill for the hormonal fluctuations that give me my olfactory superpowers.

The end. Now go submit a journal article about that. Lates.

Absolutely Disgusting

Yesterday I was walking and I could feel the fat around my right femur start to slosh around every time I took a step. I think my body is atrophying.

Self-Portrait

Yeah it's bad times, guys. I'm thinking I might have to give up TV, so that I can go to sleep earlier and wake up and exercise. Or at least just go exercise instead of watching garbage like The Locater. (True story.) But I'm so not ready. Only Jeff VanVonderen could convince me that it's time, and HE RELAPSED which brings me to my next point: Why bother? I worked out 4 times a week for two years and it's not like it helped my life.

I'm going running now but if my knees explode, you'll know why. I had to stop doing situps because my muscles couldn't contract around all the stomach that was in the way.

Also my bathroom sink keeps randomly filling up with water and then re-draining, leaving behind what can best be described as bloody mucus. So if you are looking for a renewable source of someone else's bloody mucus, you should totally come by.

Okay Okay Okay

Here is a new post. Thing is, I have a job now, so I have to take all my good ideas and throw them on a list to use there. Don't worry, once the site actually launches and I discover that there are "limits" as to what I can write, I'll put all the good stuff back here.

But even though I have a very glamorous, very important new job in which I am changing lives EVERY SINGLE SECOND, I still have problems, you know? I'm not untouchable. Here are a few things I'm grappling with this summer:

• Although I still work out, I work in a very cupcake-heavy environment, and I have put on 73 pounds in just four weeks.
• I can't figure out how to walk the four blocks from the new icy place to my apartment without eating the entire thing on the way. FYI: cantaloupe, lychee, black cherry, and regular cherry (well, technically it's called FDNY Cherry but I don't recognize FDNY as a sovereign adjective) are all delicious. Pink grapefruit was surprisingly bland.
• I have some issue with my frontal lobe that makes me unable to stop my impulse to watch any competitive reality show ever made. I've watched Design Star, Shear Genius, America's Best Dance Crew, and the Legally Blonde show in the last week, and tomorrow I re-board the Project Runway bus. What a loser!!!!
• I can't decide whether to eat pizza, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, or burritos for dinner.

Today I was so hungry that I bit a tine off my fork. True story.

And One More Thing!

I might buy this dress. You know why? Cuz it's a free country. Look it up.

Speaking of our great nation, could ANYONE win against a McCain/H. Clinton ticket? I'm no pundit, I'm just saying...

Helmet Time!

I know you guys get excited when I say that because it means I'm about to blow your MINDS. So let me get right to the point: I just bought some high-waisted pants. And they are awesome, because they have a really long inseam. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that from waist to hem these pants are FORTY SEVEN INCHES LONG. Just think about it. That is almost four feet of pantsdom. Seriously, go measure your pants and get back to me once you've absorbed it all. OMG I'm going to be so tall!

PS: Shopping report: What is up with suit skirts that go down to your knees? That is disgusting.

Photo credit: I took this Keira pic from rubyglam, which apparently is a website that exists.

This One's for All the Super-tan Haters

So this weekend I've been in another state visiting my DYING* grandmother, who is confined to a hospital bed. And she looks at me on not one but two separate occasions and says, "You need to get a suntan on those legs."

So for everyone who would lecture me about the dangers of tanning booths, I ask you: Would you have me defy my dying* grandmother?! Is that who you are? Because that's not who I am! I'm a wonderful grandchild. And I'm tan(ning)!

*We all are. Act accordingly.

Important Announcements

1. I am seven tans in and seriously getting INCREDIBLY golden brown. On the downside, my brain sort of started melting during my first nine-minute session. How do people do this for like 12 minutes? Your tips welcome. Also it's a stand-up booth and my arms get tired because I feel like I have to hold them up or my armpits might not get tan. Confusing stuff.

2. As both of my readers now know, I may be changing my job. This is very scary, but alas, it's hard to argue that your job is wonderful and satisfying when you have been voluntarily attending a remedial CHEMISTRY CLASS two nights a week. That is like saying your kidneys are totes fine and that you simply get dialysis "just in case." The good news is I'll be constantly stealing corporate secrets and insights about how to drive ever more traffic to the amazing Second Degree website. Seriously I think I can top 10 unique visitors a month, and then it's just a matter of hours before Google acquires me.

3. I got the first issue in my subscription to Positive Thinking magazine today. If you don't believe me, eff you. I love it! Read it if you want.

4. I'm really scared about a new job. I haven't had a regular commute since 2005.
4a. Fortunately I located an accelerated nursing program within driving distance of my parents' house. With an absolute worst case scenario backup plan in place, I think I can make the move.

Status Report: FAIL

Bad news, fellow Americans. I have been tanning three times on the suggested regimen and so far there is not much to show for it, just my regular purplish-undertoned pastitude.

Fortunately, I am an optimist, so I choose to view this as validation. I have probably said one thousand times in the last three years that I have a deep, dark olive complexion. Well, it turns out that I do! That's why I'm not tan yet or even burned—because the powerful UV cancer tan rays cannot penetrate my external shell of golden brown. DUH.

However, I have developed a (quite rational, I might add) fear of being trapped in a subterranean upright tanning booth during an earthquake or terrorist attack. So if you're looking for a way to kill me that I do not like, this is your lucky day.

Fair Warning

I just wanted to do the fair thing and give my friends a heads-up that I won't be able to hang out with them very much this summer. Not because of classes—though internet Intro to Psychology does start on Thursday—but because I've decided to get a tan this summer, and at 3 sessions a week I'd imagine it's going to cut into my free time significantly.

Listen I know I've tried before and I've always failed, because I am a failure. But this time I'm approaching it with a renewed sense of optimism and dedication. This time I'm going to become the olive-hued Puerto Rican that I am inside. "But you can't tan!" people say. But I can, that is what I'm trying to tell you. "But you're beautiful the way you are!" people (might possibly) say (if questioned). But I'm not! That's the same thing they said about why I shouldn't exercise or straighten my hair. And it turns out they were LYING.

I tried last year but my heart just wasn't in it. I got a 10-pass to a tanning place and only managed to use 8 before it expired after three months. But so far I'm three visits in and it's only been five days (you're supposed to go 3 times a week for the first month). I AM ON A PATH TO VICTORY, and I cannot be stopped. Deep, dark, olive, chestnut-skin complexion.

See you in the fall!

Things That Might Not, in Retrospect, Be Normal

True story: Last winter I went on a holiday vacation to the ski house of some friends. There were about seven of us there for several days, a mix of couples and not, and a good blend of people who'd met before and who hadn't. And it was really fun, and after I got back, I marveled at the fact that there wasn't that one person who everyone found annoying, because there always is in any group, right?

But then I realized that if I didn't think any particular person was loathsome, that must mean that I was the person everyone hated. So I got REALLY MAD at all my friends and the jerks in the house. How dare they all look down on me and make fun of me every time I leave the room?! I'm way awesome and don't deserve to be thought of that way I was just trying to have a good time you're not so much better than me either you know. I don't have to sit here and listen to you patronize me. What effers.

I think this might be a symptom of a mental disorder, but you know what I call that mental disorder? Reality, people.

Almost. Over.

Only 4 more classes and a final in stupid stupid chemistry. For most of the programs I'll be applying for, I have to take the following classes.
* Stupid, stupid chemistry
* Anatomy & Physiology (2 semesters)
* Microbiology
* Psych/Developmental Psych
* Nutrition
* Stats

I decided to take chemistry first because, not in spite of, my utter disinterest in it. (Well, that and because it's a prerequisite for the other required science courses.) But mostly I wanted to weed myself out and quit as soon as possible if it turned out I wasn't really gonna do this. So this was my warm-up semester—stupid chemistry two nights a week. Certainly if anything would make me quit, it's that.

I chose my "school" because it's the only place in the city I could find that offers evening classes after 7 pm—most others are 5:30 or 6 or still require a mid-day lecture that I could never make. But even they don't offer A&P in the late nights, which means that in the fall I'll be spending 7 hours on either Saturday or Sunday learning. Oh yeah, and I hate this stuff, so I refuse to spend $1000 a credit for it at a good school.

I'd certainly far rather do online classes, but you need a lab component for the science courses and online labs seem sketchy at best. But this summer I'm doing the psychology courses online, and in the winter or next summer I'll do nutrition. Maybe even stats, depending on how self-reliant I'm feeling.

If you are wondering about online classes, here's a discovery I made a few months into my research. University of Phoenix is the one you see advertised, but it's a for-profit (note: somebody please fact-check that) org and classes are $500 a credit—so like $1500 or 2 grand a class. Boo! But there are a couple of what I guess you call "learning networks" that show you all the online classes you can take in a certain family of two-year schools. It compiles all the distance education options into one catalog and it's super-cheap, like $120 a credit. So if you ever need or want to take a class in something, the range of options is pretty super:
SUNY classes
Kansas classes
Since these exist, I have to assume that others do in other areas. If you know of another, let me know and I'll add it.

I think that's all the boring educational exposition I have for today, so I'll leave you with this factoid: I have a weird rash. I hope I'm not dying, but if I do, look at the bright side: No more chemistry!