Overheard at the Gay Card Store

Store guy: "Can I help you?"
50something Superqueen: "God helps those who helps ourselves, honey. I'm looking for a graduation card from grammar school... my lover is graduating."

MacArthur Genius Grant Award to Me, Please

For years I struggled with wanting to eat Pluck U chicken fingers (hot sauce, obviously), but also something chewy. Or a chicken sandwich, but also spicy. All the previous results? Messy.

Then it hit me: chicken fingers on a hot dog bun with blue cheese.

Self, where have I been all my life?

The Call of the Wild

So I was watching Into the Wild last night, and all I could think of during the scenes where it was snowy out and the guy found a school bus to live in is HOW GREAT those conditions would be for napping. Seriously.

Maybe the movie also spoke to me because I also recently went hunting for the first time. It was by accident, really. I went to Food Emporium and asked for a cooked lobster, but the guy said they were old and gross and I didn't want them. He offered me a live one, but I said I was scared, so he said he'd steam one for me if I gave him 12 minutes.

I walked in, the lobster was alive; I walked out, it wasn't. Visceral, like gutting a moose with your bare hands.

I guess if you had to pinpoint the one difference between my story and that of Christopher McCandless, it's that I didn't get maggots in my kill and starve to death. Instead, I went to the ballet, then came home and ate my lobster with some sea salt and vinegar chips, Cherry Garcia, and Diet Dr. Pepper. That's some Jack London shit, son.

Semester End Wrap-Up

A is for Anatomy, friends. ZZ is for my physiology. Ever since class ended, I've been reliving my sleeping glory days -- 12 hours a night on weekends, sometimes followed by a nap. I've still got it!

Also, for all my talk about never having opened my book, I'm lying. I used my book twice: once on a take-home test where I had to look up the names of nerves, and once yesterday because my friend who's planning a baby shower needed disgusting details about childbirth.

That's how you get good grades. Remember it.

It's What You Don't Say That Matters Most

Me: And then I went to a Leonard Cohen concert and [blah blah something happened].

Shrink: Leonard Cohen concert?! He's still alive?

New Fallback Career

Without even realizing it, I have recently become fluent in super-corporate-speak. I'm like a jargon robot!

I discovered this when a friend from high school asked me how to tell her boss why the maternity leave temp shouldn't be hired on permanently.

MyFriend (4:32:56 PM): but a) what do i say that's a professional complaint b/c "she's a lazy whore who's on her call phone all day and leaves for 90 min to go get massages and plays solitaire when she is here" doesn't seem appropriate
TheImaginaryNurse (4:33:13 PM): "i want to see her take more ownership of the projects and step up in her role"
TheImaginaryNurse (4:33:28 PM): "i feel sometimes when given tasks she waits for me instead of considering herself accountable to the client"
MyFriend (4:33:29 PM): haha it's like a translator!
MyFriend (4:33:41 PM): do it again!
MyFriend (4:34:09 PM): she's always working on personal stuff
TheImaginaryNurse (4:34:30 PM): "i feel she has the capacity to take on more responsibilities and i'm frustrated by her lack of proactivity"
MyFriend (4:34:46 PM): genius
TheImaginaryNurse (4:35:00 PM): "she's so talented nad successful when engaged but i'm not sure how best to motivate her, since she's not a self-starter"
MyFriend (4:35:10 PM): you're amazing
TheImaginaryNurse (4:36:15 PM): "she doesn't seem to feel empowered to make requested changes and participate in various meetings and conversations"

Let me know what I can translate for you!

(photo credit: Crystl, Flickr)

Upsides to Downswings

Sorry to make my blog so insanely personal for a second you know it's not my style but the fact is that for the last two months, I've been alternately super-moony or super-down because of what I'm going to call a Boy Problem (BP). And yeah I'm super embarrassed to admit that.

Still, here is what I've learned, so that you the viewer can take away some valuable lessons:

1. Freud's right. In sociology we learned about his theory of libido -- not as in sex drive but as in a human's energy reserves. They can only really go one place at a time. So the upside is that for a whole two months, as long as I was wrapped up in the BP, I was barely enraged by my job. Miracle! The down/upside is that today for the first time in two months, I felt a little bit of distance from the BP. The up/downside to that is that today, for the first time in two months, I wanted to build a suicide bomb and put my job in it. Jesus god. WTF.*

2. If you love someone, set them free. And also hook up with their coworker to teach them a lesson they'll never find out about. If they come back to you, or if they don't, who really cares, the whole thing is obviously a disaster to start with.

3. I'm a disaster. The good news is that I'm realizing that the same commitmentphobia that keeps me from being with someone is also probably very closely linked to my belief that I have no career future. They are both about having no frame of reference for being good enough to do something the rest of the world totally gets. And filling my time by taking classes and working out (and then drinking when I'm not doing those) serves both of those anxieties so I don't have to think about them. Yay self-medication!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that most of you knew this and never told me. Sometimes I don't know why I go around bullying my friends and giving them tough love if they're never going to return the favor.

4. Question. Do you think I'm pretty enough to be on Tough Love 2? I mean, me neither, but how great would that be? I think Steve is like a mini Dr. Phil. I love them both. That reminds me, I need to read Love Smarts soon. And also all the career books I bought that I have in my room but never look at because if I'm not at work, why on earth would I want to read about it?!

* My favorite thing about my job is the people there and the relationships I've built there (excluding any references in #2). Except all those people are eight years younger than me, which makes me the pathetic old creepy lady I think, so seriously... FAIL.**

** Don't worry I'm a success at some things. I'm very tan now, for one, and BP was like 140 pounds so I lost some damn weight.

(photo credit, WolfS♡ul, Flickr)

SNACKS

I don't know if I can tell you enough how much you must try Liberte Mediterranee yogurt if you see it. The Plum and Walnut is hello delicious it tastes like purple and NOW THEY HAVE COCONUT FLAVOR TOO.

Also you are all fired for not telling me sooner about sea salt and vinegar potato chips. They almost make up for my complete lack of reason for being.

Hello, Do You Have Google?

Well then good news -- you too could likely pass this "take-home test." (You can see it bigger if you click.)

Just a reminder -- I get COLLEGE CREDIT for this. COLLEGE. The same stuff people spend 20 years paying off.

Also, someone was asking me what classes I had left and after I listed them I was convinced I was missing one, and that's when it hit me -- after next week, I am halfway done with my prereqs! I can apply this fall and start next damn May if I want.

That's really exciting, and also really scary. I might slow down a bit. I dunno. I'm terrified and confused. But, again, halfway done, so yay for that, you know?

This is a Cow Eye

You Know What Nobody Wants to See on the Train?

A 40something white dude who looks sort of like Francis Dollarhyde from Manhunter, sitting by himself with a Hannah Montana backpack and pin on his jacket and reading this book. Eeeeescchchch.

School Update

I know I haven't written much about classes but there's not a ton to tell you. I go there, I sit still, I leave.

We've had three tests, and I've gotten a 93, 96, and 103 on them. I also haven't read any of the book (why confuse myself?). It is basically a middle-school level anatomy course, and it turns out I'm super-qualified to pass middle school science. (Multiple people have noted that they hope I will never be their nurse.)

The photo to the left is a sheep brain that we dissected Friday with the instructions: "So, dissect that." We didn't have to ID or find or notice anything. We just cut it up for half an hour then went home. True story. Also the week before our teacher asked us to bring gloves if we had them. She played around with the brain with her bare hands. Fact.

Another Vacation Book Roundup, Folks

I'm not giving out palm trees this time because I don't have any sense of scale. All of these books were entertaining and satisfying except for the one I didn't finish. Bought and Deal Breaker were my favorites.

The Reader by Bernhard Schlink
I liked this because it was about someone I can relate to, a Nazi pedophile lady who never talked about her feelings. The first part was great, the years-later stuff got kind of boring because there wasn't much going on besides a white guy's guilt. Still, overall, a good time.

Never Tell A Lie, by Hallie Ephron
This was a pretty good mix of chick lit (in that there was someone my age in it) and thriller, where a pregnant lady's husband is accused of killing a high school pal. There was one thread about a former owner of their home and that sort of went nowhere, which was disappointing. Also once I read one of the quotes on the back, about revenge and grudges, I pretty much guessed the ending, which is always a bad sign since I'm easily taken for a ride by even the most base of reality programs.

Remains to Be Seen, by Jim Ingraham
This was by a local author (and it had a pun in the title) so I got it as my idiot tax for reading so many bad books all the time. It's about a Maine college president who is found strung up and murdered, maybe by his wife or some college jocks or some pro-choicers or some corrupt local politicians scandal scandal intrigue etc. It wasn't as heavily Maine-ish as I would have liked but it moved along pleasantly.

Bought, by Anna David
This was the funnest easiest read in a while -- I mean. It's about girls in LA who aren't outright whores but who hang out with guys in exchange for rent and purses and shoes and other fancy things. Juicy and dirty and based on research Anna really did with these girls.

Deal Breaker, by Harlan Coben
So whenever I go on vacation I'm always super depressed for the first few days because I'm faced with empty days to fill with the realization that I'm an utter failure. And then eventually I read a fun book and regain my will to live. This was my vacation turnaround book. It's about a sports agent who is looking into why his ex-girlfriend's missing sister is showing up in nudie mags and contacting people. Good thriller, but more importantly, the main character is funny, which makes it like reading a Dennis Lehane mystery -- even better! Also I just realized this guy wrote the book that "Tell No One" (French thriller mystery movie thingy) was based on, so that's exciting.

Just One Look, by Harlan Coben
Then I got greedy and got another Harlan Coben book, this one about a woman who gets some pictures developed and finds one in the roll of her husband and some random people from decades ago. That night her husband disappears, and she has to track down who the other people in the picture are and figure out what happened to them all and why they're dying. Good mystery but not funny like Deal Breaker. Still, book trend for this trip is clearly mistaken identities and fake dead people.

The Rainmaker, by John Grisham
Obviously I don't think I'm too good for John Grisham, but I'm not gonna lie to you, I only read half of this. It was 3,000 pages and probably would have made a good L&O:CI (reminder: new season on USA -- thanks, DVR!), but if you can't give me one interesting character or subplot or build intrigue in the first 1,500 pages, look, it's vacation. Sad face!

Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates
Mini-trend -- Kate Winslet movie books. This was an entertaining look at suppressed suburban malaise, but having seen the movie it was hard to imagine the characters as anything but Kate and Leo and awesome Michael Shannon.

Fail

I know I'm the worst poster ever but um I work all the time and then work out so I have no time and also nothing interesting to post when I do have time. Seriously. Name one thing. That's right, nothing.

Anyway I get my 2nd test back Friday and then I should be able to give you a better picture of this semester but um yeah it's boring going to school Fridays 5:30 to 8 and Saturdays 9 to 12, that is what I can tell you for sure.

I'm terrible at picture taking so this sucks and maybe later this semester I'll get a good shot but this is the best part about school:



God I suck at pictures and everything else.

Heaven!

This class has reunited me with one of my first loves: Napping!

So I got into a section that runs Fridays from 5:30 to 8 pm and Saturdays from 9 to 11:45 am. I'd been bracing myself for a 7-hours-on-Saturday (or Sunday) course and really dreading it. Why? Because ugh.

Since I work until 7, I'd previously thought I couldn't leave at 5 to get to this section. Because, I suppose, I can't. But now that a memo's gone out that we're not getting any bonuses or raises and 10% of us are getting laid off, well, my loyalty is somewhat less strong. And also, I'm there all the gd time any gd way.

So I chose the F/S section and figure I'll break it to my boss eventually that I'm taking half-days on Fridays. (Also, it's Friday, c'mon.) (Also, if they decide to make me part of that 10% on account of two fewer hours on Fridays, then they can extra b-word [not that b-word] me.)

This felt like a huge relief immediately, since all I like to do on Fridays is go home and go right to sleep anyway. Sure, it sucks to have to get up Saturday am ... BUT waking up at worktime, then going and sitting and taking notes for 2 1/2 hours, then coming home? NAP CITY.

I took the best nap I've had in years. I slept like a baby cat. I've still got the skill! As my life has worn on and my jobs lasted longer, I've had fewer opportunities and a harder time when I did have them to day-sleep. But this is great.

Plus, I sort of do nothing but lie around on weekends, maybe because of depression or laziness or general failure to thrive in society. But this is way more fun than sleeping until noon and then resting. I get something done, and then I get to sleep hard. I am like the Fast and Furious of napping. I live my life one wasted daytime hour at a time.

Also I get to go to Whole Foods at noon and this one is EMPTY. It's so surreal. No lines, no crowds, fully stocked.

Notes From the First Night of Class

* Ameoba look like Funfetti under a microscope!!

* Applied learning, direct from the professor:
"A good way, if you wanna do someone in -- and I'm blanking on the poison name here -- is to do something that'll keep oxygen from getting into the mitochondria."

* There is now a Whole Foods one block away from the school, and since the class gets out Saturdays at noon, brunch just got a whole lot more carrot cakey. Hooray!

* Our assignment was to look at the letter 'e' under a microscope. Since the class is made up of pretty high-functioning people, we all managed to do this in about 3 minutes. Then our teacher said "I have to go get some more notes to give you guys since you're hot shots and did that so quickly." So look forward to me using the phrase "hot shots" at every available opportunity for the next year or so.

* Overheard!
White person at community college: Yeah, I just have a lot of class rage because of how I was raised.
Other student: You have a lot of what?
WPACC: Class rage. I just don't think anyone should be paid that amount.

More class rage sure to follow -- right here on The Second Degree internet website!

(image from Two Novice Chefs...)

College Update

I'd been wrestling with whether to go this semester, since it's 7 hours on a weekend and I might throw up from boredom.

But I finally decided to suck it up, so last month I re-registered at school. And then I couldn't get into any of the sections. At all. They were all full. And then registration closed. A seat in Anatomy & Physiology is the community college equivalent of a Leonard Cohen ticket, apparently.

But now I think I've bullied my way into getting approved by the department head to register. But then that means I will have to go. So there are pluses and minuses.

In the meantime, I've made my job manageable, but I'm not sure that makes up for the fact that the industry is dying and there is no career longevity in it. So, you know, nursing. Onward and Saturdayward.

PS I got an A in internet psychology for idiots.

3 Lists

(Because lists do really well on digg, didn't you know?)

1. Things I have lost in my apartment in the last two weeks:

• $250 gift card
• my camera
• a cinnamon roll while I was eating it

2. Things my mom bought for me while she was visiting (not including meals & entertainment):

• groceries (including 5 liters of Diet Coke)
• flowers
• lipstick and eyeshadow
  
• a candy thermometer, a coffee spoon, and a dishtowel with a hilarious catticism on it
• a purple yoga top
• 9 pairs of socks, 1 pair of leggings, 10 pairs of thunderpants
• 3 shirts
• 168 pounds of cat litter

3. Things she brought in her suitcase:

• cinnamon roll ingredients
• toffee, chocolate-pb rice krispie bars
• 6 steaks (for my brother)
• 12-pack cat food
• 4-pack toilet paper (used to help keep things in place)
  

Hoomigod I'm Back. With Book Reviews!!!

Sorry gang. I know you have been dying to know what I read on my recent vacation. The good news is that the eggsellent place where I stayed had a book swap bookshelf, so I got to read all sorts of thrillers without having to buy them. Heaven!!!

Dead Connection by Alafair Burke JJJ
I love Alafair Burke and have a hard time finding her books when I'm impulse shopping and had an even harder time waiting five days to read this since I bought it a week before I left town. But I resisted. This is about a murderer who preys on online daters in NYC. The lure is obvious. Yay mysteries and thrillers and reading books and vacations and not working!!!

The Ruins by Scott Smith JJJ
More good times ... a bunch of college-aged kids on vacation in Mexico decide to go check out an archaeological dig ... but it's alive!!! Or at least the vines are that grow under their skin and eat them and mimic their voices. An important lesson about the danger of leaving resorts and venturing into untouched nature. Ew.

Erased: Missing Women, Murdered Wives by Marilee Strong JJJJ
This is a nonfiction book about what Strong calls "Eraser killers" -- a so-far unclassified type of wife-killer. While most domestic murders occur after years of escalating violence, some men are sociopaths and perfectionists and want everything to appear hunky-dory. So when their wives want to split, they simply "erase" the women. (Think Scott Peterson or Charles Stuart or Mark Hacking.) In many cases, the murders aren't even classified as such because they're made to look like accidents or voluntary disappearances. Lots and lots of true cases make this fun to read.

But it's maybe not the best thing to read the day you go get lost and then the sun goes down and you're by yourself near a bunch of like industrial parks and wild dogs are everywhere. Just keep that in mind.

Ice Trap by Kitty Sewell JJ
This is about a disgraced UK doctor who served a couple of years in the Arctic North. Years later he's contacted by a woman who he worked with who says she had his kids -- but he doesn't remember ever sleeping with her. I like books about Canada and Alaska and Inuit love stories and evil tricky mind-effy women, as you should well know by now, but this was mostly just okay. When I can see the "twist" coming it's pretty obvious, since I'm basically my mom.

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby JJJJ
One from the book swap, I had always assumed this would annoy me and be about a self-indulgent douchebag feeling sorry for himself. And it sort of was, but it was also about how he's sad and realizing his life is empty and he's a commitmentphobe. And it was really funny, too. And then I realized it was really about me which annoyed me a little too but mostly it was awesome.

And then I decided since I'm too poor to adopt those kids I want from Alaska I should just have my own so I have something to live for. But that passed, mostly since they don't sell Eskimo sperm online.

Pop Goes the Weasel by James Patterson JJ
This was about some online role-playing guy (conveniently called "The Weasel" for the title's sake) and magic black-person/DC detective Alex Cross who hunts him down. Literary equivalent of an episode of CSI. Acceptable!

Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult JJ
Obviously it's vacation so I read a Jodi Picoult book, duh. This one is about a guy on death row who murdered a cop and his step-daughter, and the people who fight for his right to donate his organs post-death to the daughter of the cop he killed whose heart is failing. Oh and some people think he's Jesus. It was fine and all, but it took longer to read than most of her stuff. Because basically that premise is sent up on the back cover, and then there are 500 pages of, well, just illustrating that.

The Partner by John Grisham JJJ
A lawyer is caught in Brazil after faking his own death and making off with about 47 bajillion dollars that his sleazy partners were about to make. And then it's about his attempts to get out of trouble. It involves the government and legal conspiracies and some fraudulent contracting stuff and is delightfully thrillery. And then there's a twist ending.

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
Okay I know you're all smart and fancy and think I read boring bs and I do but I tried to read this and I hated it so bad I couldn't even finish. Seriously, it's like Gabriel Garcia Marquez' stuff where there are 34,000 characters and fascinating colorful incidents and blah dee bloo but there's no entry point that you actually care about, just some intersex dude with no personality, so it's all authory showboating and then it talks down to you like "In other words, this was a symbol for all the times my grandparents had ... " and "Let's skip ahead to hours later, when ..." and it's like listening to jazz on a page. So I say sorry Oprah and my smart friends and people who care about things -- I'll take my vacation book swap thrillers any day.