Secrets of Free Cone Day

Because I'm an out-of-the-closet ice cream fan and overall disgusting hog, I got a lot of emails from people asking if I was going to Ben & Jerry's annual free cone day. So I'd like to break it down for you using something I like to call math. An ice cream cone the rest of the year costs like, what, $5, max? Seriously.

Step one: Divide the amount you make annually by (the number of hours you work each week times the number of weeks per year you go to work). That's your hourly wage.

Step two: Multiply the number of hours you'd spend finding, getting to, and standing in line at a free cone locations by the number you found in step one. Is that number more than the $5 paying for you cone would cost? If so, you just lost money on the deal. Especially if you then factor in the square root of standing in line with a bunch of tourist families and wacky college students.

This is actually some advice I took from consumer advocate Ron Burley, who says to stop fighting a retail dispute if the value of the time you've spent arguing your side threatens to become greater than the amount you stand to gain. It's also the argument I use when I want to justify not doing my own laundry.

By that token, btw, community college is a bit more expensive than it seems, because you have to go there in person during business hours to have someone sign a piece of paper saying you can take a class... then return in person during business hours to be allowed into a room where you use a public internet connection to sign up yourself up for said class... thanks, school!

You Heard It Here First: The Wolverine Test

There's a small chance that I might do an anonymous dating advice column for a friend's new site. I will certainly keep you posted, but in the meantime, in case it happens, I want to share one thing. It's possibly the most genius piece of dating insight ever and I want to put it here first so that—in case things sour with this new website after they steal my idea—the Nobel Prize people know that they should in fact send the award to me.

Women subconsciously judge men's suitability by how they perform on The Wolverine Test. Imagine walking down the street with your partner and your baby when you are confronted by an angry wolverine. On a hardwired, evolutionary, subprimal level, women want a guy who will react protectively in the event of a wolverine vs. family unit battle: A guy who will reflexively stand between the baby and the wolverine, or be a quick thinker who yells out instructions for how to escape, or maybe even lunge at the animal.
No woman wants a guy who runs away, or who looks to her with an ironic just-kidding-only-I'm-not “Whaddo we do now?” face, or who pushes her in front of the wolverine to distract it. So when you show signs of wussitude early on—by texting her instead of calling, by sharing your poetry, by not making a move on her even though you're on a freaking date, or by asking for her permission on stuff she could not care less about she does not even know you man up and get a hold of yourself buddy—she is getting the feeling that you are not going to be much help in the event of a wolverine. A few of those and next thing you know, she's just not that into you.
In summation: Sending text messages is the same as feeding your baby to a wolverine. Pass it on.

(Wikipedia says this picture is public domain so a) it's obviously true and b) I can use it, right?)

Almost. Over.

Only 4 more classes and a final in stupid stupid chemistry. For most of the programs I'll be applying for, I have to take the following classes.
* Stupid, stupid chemistry
* Anatomy & Physiology (2 semesters)
* Microbiology
* Psych/Developmental Psych
* Nutrition
* Stats

I decided to take chemistry first because, not in spite of, my utter disinterest in it. (Well, that and because it's a prerequisite for the other required science courses.) But mostly I wanted to weed myself out and quit as soon as possible if it turned out I wasn't really gonna do this. So this was my warm-up semester—stupid chemistry two nights a week. Certainly if anything would make me quit, it's that.

I chose my "school" because it's the only place in the city I could find that offers evening classes after 7 pm—most others are 5:30 or 6 or still require a mid-day lecture that I could never make. But even they don't offer A&P in the late nights, which means that in the fall I'll be spending 7 hours on either Saturday or Sunday learning. Oh yeah, and I hate this stuff, so I refuse to spend $1000 a credit for it at a good school.

I'd certainly far rather do online classes, but you need a lab component for the science courses and online labs seem sketchy at best. But this summer I'm doing the psychology courses online, and in the winter or next summer I'll do nutrition. Maybe even stats, depending on how self-reliant I'm feeling.

If you are wondering about online classes, here's a discovery I made a few months into my research. University of Phoenix is the one you see advertised, but it's a for-profit (note: somebody please fact-check that) org and classes are $500 a credit—so like $1500 or 2 grand a class. Boo! But there are a couple of what I guess you call "learning networks" that show you all the online classes you can take in a certain family of two-year schools. It compiles all the distance education options into one catalog and it's super-cheap, like $120 a credit. So if you ever need or want to take a class in something, the range of options is pretty super:
SUNY classes
Kansas classes
Since these exist, I have to assume that others do in other areas. If you know of another, let me know and I'll add it.

I think that's all the boring educational exposition I have for today, so I'll leave you with this factoid: I have a weird rash. I hope I'm not dying, but if I do, look at the bright side: No more chemistry!

Spring Break!

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I've been on Spring Break. Woo hoo! Tomorrow it's back to this magic, with a test on Wednesday. Love it! I've also been hating my job for the last week, which strengthens my theory that I must always be working on an exit strategy or my commitmentphobia to work takes over.

Idea for Saving Money

So I have a hard time with financial goals, mainly because I'm a loser, but I think I came up with a solution. All I have to do is sue myself for overspending (on charges of gross negligence or somesuch), and I'll lose, and the judge will mandate that I have to follow a budget or else I go to jail or have my wages garnished or something else that will really whip me into shape. I mean sure it might be a burden on our government's resources but c'mon, it'd work! So let me know if you know any lawyers who'd want to take on this groundbreaking case.

PS I'm actually such a loser than when I first wrote "saving money," I actually typed "saving Monday," because the former is so foreign to me that my fingers can barely tap it out.

Vacation Reading Book Reviews

I will be ranking these on a scale from one to five palm trees, because I cannot find the star symbol on blogger.

The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult JJ
A teenager says she gets raped and then there's some intrigue and her dad writes comic books and she runs away to Alaska. My least favorite of her books that I've read. 1. Nobody cares about cutters in 2008. Shut it. 2. Sorry to some selected readers, but I don't really understand graphic novels. This book gets one palm tree because I like Jodi Picoult's other books and another because I really do like stuff with Inuit history and legends. (Related: Read And She Was.) But she is sliding by on a technicality okay?

Beautiful Boy by David Sheff JJ
A memoir from a guy whose son is addicted to meth. I was super-excited to read this and then my mom brought it and yay, right? I really like junkie bios and thought this might be harrowing and hit a few chords from some personal experiences. But really it was just kind of eh. In fact, it was so forgettable that I didn't actually include it when I first did this entry because I didn't remember that I'd read it. Maybe I'm just numb from too many Interventions.

Old Books, Rare Friends by Madeline Stern and Leona Rostenberg JJJ
Nonfiction memoir by two old ladies who grew up in the teens and 20s in NYC and ran a rare books shop. I thought I would break with tradition and actually read one of the books my dad gave me. It was interesting reading about the women going to school and living in New York and traveling. And one of them discovered Louisa May Alcott's secret pulp writings, so that was interesting.

The Bookman's Wake by John Dunning :(
A Denver ex-cop and rare book salesman is hired to track down a previously-unknown copy of The Raven that's gone missing, along with a bail-jumper named Eleanor Rigby. I put it down because I couldn't make it through the pages and pages of background on the printing press that put out the book's copy of The Raven. Sorry, dude. This is the beach. I successfully finished this one once, so if you're curious about the series, start there?

Plum Lovin' by Janet Evanovich JJJ
A bounty hunter can only bring home her target by playing matchmaker for five freakazoids. I actually enjoyed this book and even laughed out loud at one part but I'm so embarrassed I even read it (we'll get to why in a moment) that I can only give it three palms. Three tiny palms, since the huge print (SO EMBARRASSING) means this is a tiny book.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini JJJJ
A guy remembers his glory days before the fall of Afghanistan to Russia and then the Taliban. Yeah okay this book was a quick read but you know why? Because it's Mystic River/The Prince of Tides/Peyton Place but I guess since it's set in Afghanistan liberals feel all intelligent for reading it. Guess what, liberals? I'm on to you! Wanna borrow my Plum Lovin'?

Web of Evil by J.A. Jance JJ
This lady becomes the prime suspect when her soon-to-be-ex-husband is murdered in the back of a trunk left on the railroad and then his knocked-up gf's mom gets killed. Okay look it was fine I'm not proud but a brief memo to the state of Florida, if I may: WTF?! I went into like 5 drugstores and supermarkets and the ratio of gross romance novels to mindless thrillers was like 99.5:1. So Web of Evil was that one. Man. Rough times. And I'll just say it: I don't like books where the heroine's mom gets kidnapped. Makes me uneasy.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro J
Kids in England attend an exclusive boarding school and come to realize the meaning of their shared secret. I suppose I should have done a little more research before I bought this. I'd eyed it when it first came out and went ahead and spoilered it by reading the library of congress keywords. (Spoiler alert: They're clones.) I also bought it because I decided I'd like to write* a melodramatic thriller called Never Let Me Down Again, and this sounded kind of similar. Thing is, I don't really like science fiction, and I definitely don't like things that remind me of my horrible grade and middle school years. So thumbs down. It can have one palm because it turns out it's sort of about a hospice nurse. But also, clones are boring it turns out.

*aka read

Questions

1. Do pelicans ever collide midair, as they're both diving for the same fish? 1A. Do they ever accidentally divebomb a person? 1B. Has anyone ever died from a pelican collision?

2. Do you think I could fit out of an airplane window? I don't. I think even if I made it out halfway I'd get stuck somewhere around the pelvic girdle and then the people behind me inside would panic and try to push me out and they'd break me in two. So I'm probably not going to try it.

3. Do you think that, from the ground, airplanes on the same flight path on different days look closer/farther away? I do. I think it has something to do with the earth's rotation, sun's positioning, weather conditions, and trigonometry, but I'm not smart enough to figure it out by myself.

If you know the answers to any of these, please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Fun Game

So here is a good project to occupy you on road trips and the like. All you do is invent a ridiculous murder, then come up with the corny pun-like line that David Caruso will say when he finds the victim right before the opening credits.

Like maybe there's a shootout at a massage parlor and the ME is telling Horatio that it looks like it might be a front for some other type of business, or maybe it's a body and some bruising is starting to indicate that maybe the person got too hard a massage and hours later their spleen ruptured and they died while on a rollercoaster, and Khandi Alexander goes "Who would do such a thing?" and David Caruso goes, "Ah, there's the rub."

So one I would like to see, and it's not really a pun, but it's a rhyme I learned and I sure would like to hear David Caruso say it, is where there's a body washed up shore, except some pieces are missing (or disheveled or something), probably due to pelican interference. And David Caruso goes, "What a strange bird is the pelican. For its beak [puts on sunglasses] can hold more than its belly can."

Your turn!

Show Idea/Future Career Plans

So there's this supersmeller, see? (Like a supertaster but with her nose?) And she singlehandedly solves all sorts of crimes. She goes into crime scenes and sniffs around and explains what happened (like there's a bunch of blood but no body WHAT HAPPENED? Don't worry she can smell gunpowder in the air) or pretends to be a deputy walking guys in for a lineup but really there's no one behind the glass and she can ID the suspect from his scent. I don't know exactly what it's called but the tagline is definitely about how she can sniff out crime—don't be ridiculous.

FYI? Related ads when you search for supersmeller on NYT.com:

» Fart Noises

» Fart Machine 2

» Fart Sounds

» Farting

» Funny Fart

My Unofficial Party Endorsement

Those of you who know me know that I don't (or rather, shouldn't) get too involved in politics. However I have finally found an organization that sums up everything I stand for and want from my nation. Join with me and let's make a difference!

Where Exactly is the New Location?

I took this picture in Times Square, which is located at about forth-fixth and Broadway.

Here's a Good Sympathy Card to Give

..if you are a total dick.











Click to read yourself but in essence
Front: Sorry to hear about your unimaginable loss.


Inside: It's all about me.

Things I Thought Were Normal Until I Said Them Out Loud 3

Subtitle: The reason I always have way more laundry than anyone else in the laundromat.

So it has come to my attention that the average human has 25-45 pairs of thunderpants max. I clock in around 75. That is all.

Overheard at My Job

This was classic.

Girl on the phone with a restaurant: "I have a reservation tonight for 8, but there will be 9 of us now. Is that okay? No? But we can squeeze in, seriously, we're all really small. Nobody's over 100 pounds!"

Fortune Favors The Imaginary Nurse

Some people might think that I am very unlucky as of late. There was a fire in my building, I had to get stitches, I got in my first car accident, I struggle to retain cat dancers. However, I must point out a few facts:

1. The day of the fire, I went to the grocery store and found TWO bags of Easter-shaped SweetTarts for half-price, even though all the drug stores I'd searched the week before were totally out.
1A. Perhaps because Easter fell so early this year, the SweeTarts were extra-powdery and fresh. Could someone please research whether the production schedule is affected by the date upon which a holiday falls? Thanks!

2. I have two cats, and sometimes they sit like people!












3. My hair is straight.

So in light of that evidence, now who is unlucky? That's right, it's you. :(!

What's That You Say?

You don't understand why anyone would want to be a nurse?


Well I guess I just gave you about eight dozen good reasons. Now let's get this show on the road, shall we?

PS: Thanks again, America. You are awesome.

Hot Hot Hot! Spring Cleaning Tip

Soooooo yesterday there was a fire in my building and I learned a hot new organizational tool for getting rid of clutter.

When you're trying to decide whether to trash/donate/keep a certain item, perhaps you could ask yourself:

1. Do I really need this?

If no, get rid of it. If you say "Well, I miiiiiiight," then ask yourself:

2. How will I feel if my apartment catches fire and firefighters throw this thing out the window, so it gets stuck in a tree for everyone to see...


...or if it winds up strewn across the street for the general public to peruse...


...or if it becomes part of a large pile being inspected by a pack of fire marshal types?


If the answer to any of those is, "Retarded," then you can afford to get rid of the item.

Well Here is Something

Here is the first/best scene from the Australian junkie movie "Candy." It really sets you up for a heady film that doesn't actually follow. I am not the most youtubey lady around but I do watch this regularly because I haven't found this version of the song available to download.

Cruel Chemistress

Class tonight was boring. I made fun of someone (white, obvs) who asked me which numbers to subtract when the formula was right in front of her. Then my lab partners had this conversation.

Lab partner 1: Man, if I didn't know you [The Imaginary Nurse], I would think you are so sarcastic.
Lab partner 2: Well, I do know her [The Imaginary Nurse], and I still think she's sarcastic.
Lab partner 1: Right. But I mean I'd think what a sarcastic bitch.

Sure ladies, but just to be clear, I'm not just a sarcastic bitch. I am the sarcastic bitch who got ANOTHER 100 on her test and is ruining your curve/GPA/chances of getting into some school/future/life.