You Heard It Here First: The Wolverine Test

There's a small chance that I might do an anonymous dating advice column for a friend's new site. I will certainly keep you posted, but in the meantime, in case it happens, I want to share one thing. It's possibly the most genius piece of dating insight ever and I want to put it here first so that—in case things sour with this new website after they steal my idea—the Nobel Prize people know that they should in fact send the award to me.

Women subconsciously judge men's suitability by how they perform on The Wolverine Test. Imagine walking down the street with your partner and your baby when you are confronted by an angry wolverine. On a hardwired, evolutionary, subprimal level, women want a guy who will react protectively in the event of a wolverine vs. family unit battle: A guy who will reflexively stand between the baby and the wolverine, or be a quick thinker who yells out instructions for how to escape, or maybe even lunge at the animal.
No woman wants a guy who runs away, or who looks to her with an ironic just-kidding-only-I'm-not “Whaddo we do now?” face, or who pushes her in front of the wolverine to distract it. So when you show signs of wussitude early on—by texting her instead of calling, by sharing your poetry, by not making a move on her even though you're on a freaking date, or by asking for her permission on stuff she could not care less about she does not even know you man up and get a hold of yourself buddy—she is getting the feeling that you are not going to be much help in the event of a wolverine. A few of those and next thing you know, she's just not that into you.
In summation: Sending text messages is the same as feeding your baby to a wolverine. Pass it on.

(Wikipedia says this picture is public domain so a) it's obviously true and b) I can use it, right?)