Suggested Professional Guidelines

We're now 7 sessions into chemistry and preparing for our first test. Let me be clearer: A 27-question, multiple choice test.

Class works like this: Our teacher displays her notes on an overhead projector. She reads them one sentence at a time. Before she is done, someone screams "Wait, what??!!" She begins repeating herself, and then another student yells "Huh?" Let me build you a word picture.

Teacher (insert thick Eastern European accent of your choosing): Now we are going to talk about the properties of metals. 1. They are malleable, which means...
Student: They are what??!
Teacher: Malleable, meaning they can be hammered into sheets.
Student: Into what?!
Teacher: Thin sheets.
Student: Tin sheets?
Teacher: Thin sheets.
Student: Wait, what's that word up there?
Teacher: Sheets.
Student: Wait, what can be hammered into sheets?
Teacher: Metals.

Note: This is not exaggerated for comedic effect.

This continues until every two minutes or so we've covered a one-sentence concept that's both on the projector and in our reading. Obviously we've covered very little ground, so there's little to panic about regarding our upcoming test. That said, there's a free test review study session on Sunday from 4 to 6 that most students are planning to attend. And students frequently exchange stories about how many times they went to tutoring that week. For THIS shit. (FTS is going to be my new WTF. Enjoy.)

Most of the class is pre-nursing and while I usually (aka never) believe that anyone can do what they put their mind to, here I'm forced to put my foot down. If you need tutoring three times a week FTS, you should not be in healthcare, nor in any other field. Turn in your human being license. Your work here is done.

I'm talking to you, grown white lady with Candy Finnegan hair! Seriously, if you are dedicated to grasping the concepts behind our simple lessons, study sessions like this are not going to help. Go to Harvard or something. How loveless is your marriage if you're seeking validation by being the most participatory student in a high-school-level chemistry class at a community college PLEASE?

I would be far more annoyed right now were it not for my new blood pressure meds. Who'd have figured me for a candidate for those?!