Facts for Americans: Issue 1

A new feature in which I offer easy, informative tips that help you help me.

1. FACT If I can smell your perfume, you're wearing too much of it. Also, you are gross and no one really likes you!

2. FACT If you can't be bothered to put the date of your event in the Evite subject line, I can't be bothered to click once for reference, then look again later, then RSVP, then go back to write down where it is, then attend. Also, you are insecure or you would be confident that a simple, one-click email would be alluring enough to your viewers.

3. FACT If you ask what celebrity you look like, and then reply to the person's blank stare* with, "Just don't tell me I look like Matt Damon"? You don't look like Matt Damon.

* Afterward: The celebrity I was thinking of but couldn't remember at the time was a sneetch. Seriously, in profile, it was uncanny. Far cry from Sexiest Man Alive, thank you very much.