Counter-Programming

Please direct your attention to channels 213 and 214 to note what merry hijinx those Cinemax pranksters dreamt up.

Yet Another Argument Against Evites

So if you invite, say, me to an event that would require me to, say, leave my borough, and I don't know what types of people will be there? I may well facebook-search the names on your guest list and ascertain whether I want to attend based on whether those people look interesting.

I'm not saying I'd do that, I'm just saying I could. So invite attractive people.

Why I Got Points Off On My Lab

I didn't show my work to explain how I got 100 by subtracting 11 from 111. My bad.

Good Reality Show Pitch

It's like The Real World or Big Brother, only the roommates are half suspected murderers, half undercover cops. And the suspects get sleep deprived and tortured just like they would in Gitmo, or they just get sleep deprived and have to do a bunch of stupid challenges that have the same psychological effect, and because it's a reality show, they signed up for it so it's all legal. And then they confess (or even just reveal details they formerly denied knowing that link them to the crime, not realizing the undercover roommates have any context for what they're talking about) thinking it's how you win the grand prize and then their confession is used as evidence against them. BOOM! You know who's the winner on that reality show? AMERICA.

"Put Your Honey Where Your Mouth Is"

That is a line I came up with today while brainstorming subtitles for a book about kissing. But even though I am a cheesemaker at one of the nation's leading cheese factories, I was too embarrassed by how cheesy that idea is to include it. Still, it's pretty funny.

Business Idea II

So, like, I don't exactly know the specifics of the factors at play, but whatever. My understanding is that if you're even a part Native American, you get a biiiig chunk of your education subsidized. So.

We open a sperm bank, pay Native American dudes way more than the usual amount for their donations, and then charge ladies who want to buy the sperm, like, $10,000 instead of $500 for their dose. The donors win big, the sperm bank wins big, and the overpaying parents win big because they save tens of thousands of dollars on higher education.

JUST SAYING. I'm sure there are absolutely no legal issues hindering the development of this idea.

Things I Thought Were Normal Until I Said Them Out Loud 2

Well, as it turns out, not EVERYONE likes to eat ice cream in the shower.

I do, because it seems obvious to me that when it's cold out, there's nothing better than having a warm shower. Except for ice cream, but you can't do that when it's cold because you get too cold. Unless, of course, your body is being warmed by the shower at the same time that you are eating delicious ice cream.

How is this complicated?

I mention this because, if there's hot water, which hasn't been a given this last week or so, I'm about to do just that.

Overheard at a Shoe Store

"They don't want a woman and they don't want a black so it looks like John McClane is going to be our next president."

Um, I wish.

Awesome Mind-Puzzle (Degree of Difficulty: Speculative)

So you know how when you watch shows like ER or Law & Order, there's always this 30-second PSA hidden inside one of the subplots? Totally unrealistic dialogue that contextualizes whatever malady there is? Like...

Medical Examiner: I'll have to wait for the tox screen to be sure, but it appears that she died of boredom.
Detective: Boredom? You mean like the stuff you get in chemistry class?
Medical Examiner: It's not as unusual as it sounds. In the US alone, 35,000 people die of boredom every minute. And if the current wave of idiots aren't stopped, scientists say we could all contract some form of boredom by the year 2019.
Detective: Wow!

Okay so I read ages ago (and I'm not wikipedia so I don't have to source it for you but trust me on this) that different awareness groups basically lobby TV writers to cover their issues. Like the Society to Prevent Boredom would get that subplot on ER or whatever. Except usually it's for fringe diseases or social causes.

So what I'm wondering is if the mixed martial arts community lobbied for awareness this season, because both Law & Order: SVU and Without a Trace featured plots. (Sidenote: "Naptime" is a really good nickname, not just for Adam Beach but for anyone who likes to sleep.)

Oh and let's not forget this little movie:

Business Idea I

This genius blog name would also be a good name for a mall chain of walk-in OB/GYNs: At Your Cervix.

If it becomes successful, I shall open a sister chain of orthopedist offices called The Bone Corrector.

You know you love it.

The Blog About Human Suffering

Another standard class itinerary.

7:00-7:30 Wait for the teacher to arrive.

7:30-7:40 Brief discussion of whether our test will be next Monday or Wednesday, and whether it will be first or last that day, depending on the day.

7:40-7:50 Lecture

7:50-9:00 Review for test by reading the same list we read last week, then going over homework.*
*SIX basic algebra questions. For ONE hour.

Sample interaction...
STUDENT: I wasn't here, can I get that homework?
TEACHER: I don't think I have any extra copies, I'm so sorry.
*STUDENT asks classmate to borrow their homework; begins copying it.*
*TEACHER (sloooowly) continues to rifle through her briefcase and desk.*
TEACHER: I didn't come from home today. So I don't have it. Usually I have a folder. It was with me last time. But you missed the class. I'm so sorry. Maybe you can get it from another student, and borrow it.
*STUDENT, five steps ahead, ignores her, continues copying homework.*
TEACHER: You can borrow it from your lab partners. Or if they won't give it to you, that is not good. You need good lab partners. But I don't have it, so maybe get it from another student. Then you can copy it, and get it that way.
*TEACHER continues rifling*
*STUDENT finishes copying, returns worksheet to owner*
OTHER STUDENTS (watching this whole time, unspoken): Kill us.

9:00-9:05 Explanation of how important it is to attend chemistry class. You see, chemistry is not like history, where you can read a book and know the information. You have to come to class to watch it come alive. And if you miss one class, it's like building a house, but you are missing a brick. In short, house of cards, people, house of cards.

9:05-9:15 Lecture

9:15 Students explain to teacher that class is over at 9:30, not 10:00, because today's post-Easter "Classes operate on Monday schedule" means that class not only takes place in the Monday classroom, it takes place at the Monday times. Class dismissed.

Open Letter to Exercise TV on Demand

Greetings,

Re: Abs Cardio Circuit
I may be a moron, but even I know that marching in place is not a freaking ab exercise, no matter how much you suck in your tummy.


Re: AbTrimmer
ONE AND A HALF MINUTES IS NOT A WORKOUT.


Sincerely,
The Imaginary Nurse

Awesome Mind Puzzle (Level of Difficulty: Low)

Which would be worse, having no social plans for two weeks straight, or having to go see a different sort-of-distant friend's experimental play every night for two weeks? I say the latter, easy.

My Civil War

Chalk up another loss for me in The Imaginary Nurse vs. The Cleaning Lady. Another cat dancer is gone. That makes three. After two, I described it and asked that she please not throw it out ever. She assured me that she never would do such a thing. But she came today and the cat dancer that I had last night is gone. Apparently my cats must have walked it to the window and pushed it out on her watch.

Speaking of, check out this packaging. See the price? That's what it should cost. No worries, I'll zoom in. So I'm in Brooklyn recently and decide to pick one up while I'm there, and it is $9.99. Nine. Ninety-nine. That is what they don't tell you about moving to an outer borough. What you save in rent you will spend on cat toys. True story.

Movie Review/Crime Blotter

This evening I saw "Never Back Down," a delightful romp in the vein of "Step Up 2 the Streets." Both feature a kid with a dead parent, a youtube-based sport, an underground tournament publicized through text message, an authority figure who eventually supports their "art," and a third-act showdown in the parking lot of the official event. But on to the interesting stuff.

Walking to the theater, 42nd Street was mobbed as usual, except that everyone on the street was a brightly-dressed teenager. It was like being caught out front when a Broadway musical lets out except the musical was a public high school and the it was apparently an avenue block long. I don't mean a good chunk of kids I mean thousands and thousands and thousands of them. And there were police barricades and cops everywhere. A group of kids across the street started throwing up signs and yelling in unison, kids on our side of the street tipped over the barricades to run across, and cops came at them swinging batons to stay put. My friend and I made it into McDonald's just in time to be locked in as cops flew down the street to the action.

Ten minutes later, literally half of the kids had disappeared, and there were more cops out, telling everyone to keep it moving. With everything calm, I took the opportunity to ask a (SO hot) police officer wtf was going on. Only I phrased it as "Where did those thousands of people come from and what happened and where did they go?" Not wanting to give away any information, he coolly (hotly) replied, "What people?" I said "You know, there were people and then yelling and then police and then we got locked in a store." He asked where my friend and I were from and I explained five blocks away. Then he tried to (hotly) scoff, like, "Oh what, you've never been down here?" and I assured him that yes but it has never been crazy like that ever please explain.

So then he h-o-t-l-y says it is gang initiation night and to make it into a gang, kids have to grab a cop's gun, and it's probably not the best place to be hanging out. Which answers my question but hello I only have so many more!
1. Really?
2. Why tonight? Is this every Easter? Every first Sunday of Spring? Does it change every time? Does it get publicized over text message? Does this have something to do with youtube?
3. Seriously why Times Square and how did they know to pack the street right then? Is it an all-gang mixer? A national expo? I NEED to know these things, and they were NOT listed in Time Out New York.
4. WHERE DID ALL THE KIDS GO after they were told to move? Did they dissolve? Seriously it was astonishing.
5. That cop is hot.

PS When we came out of the movie, 42nd street was literally SHUT DOWN. No one was being allowed on the block. That is not normal.

I invite your insights and thank you for your time.

Artist's Rendering of What My Teacher Looks Like

(Click for hi res.) And yes, I'm deeply ashamed that we are two months into the semester and she still has no nickname. She recently told us to bring in a one-page biography, which means we can tell her where we're from, which means she'll tell us where she's from. I trust a suitable name will evolve from there.

One Downside to My Hair Surgery

What if my unidentified skull is found on the side of the road and a forensic sculptor is called in to recreate what I might have looked like? And then he would garner from my bone structure that I had nasty curly hair and build a clay face with curly hair and put it out there to the media under the title "Dead White Lady: Police Seek Leads to Corpse's Identity." But no one would call me in because they'd be like "Well that kinda looks like our old missing friend but not really because her hair was stuh-rayt. I guess we'll probably never know what happened to her that time she got into the van with no windows."

Conversion Factor Needed

Today our teacher tried at great length to explain that you can't add, say, 1.5 feet plus 3 meters and get 4.5 something—you have to convert one unit to the other, obvs. So she took that old saying about apples and oranges and rendered it obsolete.

"Say I have three oranges, and then two apples. What do I have? See, you can't do it!"
"You have 5 pieces of fruit."

Oh yeah. But I guess the point is that you have to convert apples to oranges first. Anyone know what that formula is?

Going Dutch

You know, I often am filled with rage, but it's important to focus on the positive as well. That's why I'd like to take a moment to salute our handsome neighbors to the east. And by that I mean, of course, Holland.

This fine nation creates a steady stream of guys who look like they're from Connecticut minus the date rape gene. They travel in girl-free packs, speak excellent English*, and something about their accent makes them sound like they're being sarcastic 100% of the time, so I always feel that they truly understand me. Don't know what I mean? Just click on this audio file I personally recorded, mastered, and downloaded:

AMSTERDAMESE_WAV.MP3

What? It's not loading for you? Man, when's your computer from, 1923? You must need to download the plug-in. I can't believe you don't have it already. Everyone does, I dunno dude, maybe call your IT department, but don't be surprised if they laugh at you for being so uncool. No, it's fine, I'll sit here and wait. Whatever—you've gotta hear this.

*I took Spanish all through high school and college, yet at no point would I ever be able to say "I work in intake at a prison for the criminally insane" or "I'm a field hockey coach" in another language, and these kids all can just from their basic education. Geniuses!

TV Review: The Sickest Episode of Intervention Ever

"Happy St. Patrick's Day, drunks", was the message of this week's tragidiculous episode of Intervention, featuring alcoholic Lawrence. Now, a friend of mine (in purple, below) had turned the episode off after 10 minutes because her son walked in, but she wanted to know what happened. So I liveblogged it for her over IM while I watched it on DVR, and now I'm kindly reposting below.

Spoiler alert: Not only will reading the following give away the ending, it will also ruin your life. And yeah, I get that this post is super long but I tried to figure out how to make the next part a separate page and it involves hacks and codes and templates and I think someone's stealing my internet cuz it's super slow and every post is taking a year to load and crashing my computer and you're just going to have to cope. Life is a terrible, difficult thing sometimes.

If you haven't seen it, watch the preview first by clicking here and then going to episode 59.

omg this intervention is so sad he's so young!
how young? the vodka guy? Wish it were on now
34!
did you see the bruises???? what's that about?
on the preview
just the cirrhosis it hink!
how would you get bruises from that?
you can't heal
and you're so drunk that you bump into things all the time
'When the liver slows or stops production of the proteins needed for blood clotting, a person will bruise or bleed easily. The palms of the hands may be reddish and blotchy with palmar erythema.'
so scary. wait till you see how much this guy drinks. yikes. so so so sad. And his childhood...i turned off just as the horrors were unfolding
oh right now his mom just left them all because her husband was beating them all too hard
9:15 PM
i turned off before then!!
"Cirrhosis is the twelfth leading cause of death by disease, killing about 26,000 people each year.'"
his mom went bankrupt so he dropped out of colleg (he got a 3.9 in hs) and got custody of his brothers when he was 20.
9:20 PM
when did the drinking begin, do you know, and how'd it get so bad?
OH and last year he got cancer and hasn't done chemo or radiation since the tumor was removed
so in the 90s he was a bodybuilder adn took ghb.
and then in 2000 it became illegal so he switched to vodka
oh no. death wish. Why doesn't he feel his brothers need him anymore?
he's so thin and weqrs a hat he is reminding me of elsie's ex boyfriend looks now.
i now have to assume that he too has untreated cancer and crippling alcoholism
so his caretaker lady, she's only known him 7 months.
codependent personality much?
9:25 PM
he can't even cut his own food
who is the caretaker lady, what is her connexion to him?
the caretake was hired at one ofhis salons
and started coming by to hang out
so he promoted her to manager
and now she hangs out with him all the time. OH AND she's married.
what's in it for her? is that the one people on the boards said he was sorta abusive to does he have slurred speech all the time, all the time?
yeah and tremors, like, palsy arms and stuff.
she's just codependent.
she loves this.
ooh, they said early on he'd had grand mal -- why?
most likely from withdrawal
she wants to save his life
you know i don't know anyone in late stages alcoholism but he's got that sunken cancer look about him in a serious way
i wonder if he died of that
i think the BSOJ doesn't tell you what he died of, according to the boards
bsoj=black screen of judgment
bc sometimes it comes on to undermine whatever lie the addict is telling
like "gabe refuses to admit that his parents sold 3 of their houses to bail him out"
and now his mom is saying that god is going to put the smack downa dn he can't come back from death
ooh, BSOJ. How to use that in conversation?
and now his (hot) brother raoul says "i have emotionally prepared myself for my brother's death"
he so doesn't look hispanic, he's so pale
wendy's bottom line is "i won't talk to you anymore and i'll get all my stuff back from the house"
oh man and it's only 36 minutes in and the intervention is starting.
usually those only take up 10 or 15 minutes.
you need to tell me what happens in the intervention
oh i'm right here.
liveblogging
wendy's going to pick him up for the intervention
but there's blood on the floor.
why??
haven't said yet
but it is in a puke shaped trajectory, i can say from experience
wait, bloody puke? or just blood?
just blood, but it's in a blood shape
he'sin his bed
she didn't even check there until she'd gone all around the house
closeups of bruises
9:40 PM
he's apologizing to the interventionist for having a cold hand because he's holding a glass of ice water.
so that's defintiely not an overexplanation.
wendyt says you're ruining my life
he tells her he only has one or two drinks a day, and not even every day.
his brother cries, he says he wont' get help, he doesn't need help. "snoboarding? golf? we can play that any time, any time of day. so quit crying."
interventionist says "yhou don't look like the person in this picture." lawrence says "that's because i have hair now"
??? is he totally off his nut, then?
brother says "if you don't get help, i'll not associate myself with you"
lawrence says "so? i raised your ass."
9:45 PM
it seems like he doesn't want help bc he's never had to get help, he's the one who helps them.
nowhe's left theintervention
earlier said "any weakness is a weakness and you should never show it."
now he's having a 1 on 1 with jeff the interventionist.
9:50 PM
so he doesn't think he needs help and doesn't want help/ yes?
he claims the former.
but then jeff got him to say "but if all these people say i do then maybe i do"
so he's agreed to go in one week
and they'res aying they can't wait a week.
hoo boy
then they beg him and he agrees to go
closing credits are starting
wait, after he agreed to go?
he'st elling the rehab he only has 1-2 drinks a day every few days.
yeah they're going over the last scenes.
he says he doesn't know whaat they're going to treat.
last shot is interveiwing going "do you not think you have an alcohol problem?
he goes "no, i don't think i have an alcohol problem."
bsoj
After 30 days, lawrence was asked to leave treatment for refusing to focus on his recovery.
jwhat does that mean?
he wouldn't admit he had a problem probably
refusing to focus? eesh
he returned to las vegas and was sober for three weeks before relapsing.
ok...
sad music
bsoj?
two months later, lawrence developed esophagal bleeding, a common result of cirrhosis.
he passed away in his home on february 23, 2008.
ouch. do we know how long that was after the esophagal blleding, do they give a timeline?
hm not really.
but a lot of the ones that were airing right now started shooting in the late summer or fall
so we're talking about a matter ofmonths
and it shows ihf ull name lawrence gary ryan so you can google him.
his mother posts their phone nujbers in the online memorial
i will go do that, yikes! found his obit and people leaving their regards
they had a bunch of new ones at once and then there was a lag
there's the phone @ phone #
i WONDER if they knew he was likely going to die and wanted to see what happened before they aired it and got peoples' hopes up
i also wonder if they would have edited it differently if he had lived.
they like to show the alcoholics being total jerks.
10:05 PM
would be really interesting to know the timing, for sure.
I hate to admit this but...
I think I am going to watch the Real Housewives of NY.

Things I Thought Were Normal Until I Said Them Out Loud, Vol. 1

So whenever I go to a Yankee Candle store (which is like all the time or at least one time per three years anyway), I will not buy anything until I have gone in a circle around the store and smelled the different flavors. All of them. I really feel like there's no way I can be certain I like a particular scent if I haven't tested it against the others.

FAQ
Q Why don't you just smell the things you generally like, autist?
A Because what if I like French Vanilla better than Sparkling Vanilla or Vanilla Cupcakes or Vera Cruz Vanilla? How do I know what a Wedding Day or Home Sweet Home smells like? Or a Midnight Cove?

Q What is a cove?
A I don't even know! I think dolphins live there. That's why I have to smell it!

Q What is your wedding day going to smell like?
A Cherry Chip Cake and second guesses.

Fact: Greeting Cards From My Mother...

...tend to follow a certain theme. Can you guess what it is?


Clockwise from top left: Easter, Valentine's, birthday, Christmas, St. Patrick's Day (yes), another Valentine's Day, and... wait for it... Mother's Day, sent to me on behalf of my cat.

Best Questions Asked of Us in Tonight's Lab

Winner: "How do you know how much 3 milliliters is?"

See? I mocked this class for spending two weeks on measurements but even that wasn't enough to imprint on someone's mind that you fill the thingy up to the "3."

Runner up [to our group of three people handling chemicals with our bare hands]: "Where did you guys get the gloves?"

Interpersonal Chemistry

As I've recently been reminded, atoms are attracted to atoms with the opposite electron configuration. In chemistry class, however, the atoms are drawn to those with an outer shell most similar to their own. God I'm deep.

What I'm trying to say is that, obviously, everyone in class comes to our lab group with questions, because we are awesome. (Oh, and asking the teacher for help usually results in "Read your book," "That's not on the test," or "Let me think about it for a while.") But it's not random who in our group gets approached. The random white girl? She comes to me for clarification. Anyone black goes to Hope, our Af-Am rep. The 40something Indian lady? Hello to you know who. And the Latino kids are SOL, I'm afraid.

Worst Goal Ever

Maybe it's just my autism speaking, but this seems like a horrible idea, primarily on account of this.

Pardon me while I sympathy vomit.

Journal Article: New Malady!

I read an intern resume today from someone who wrote in her cover letter that when she thinks of our company, her "stomach literally fills with butterflies." Paging Discovery Health!

Awesome Mind Puzzle/TV Review

What is even more boring, grueling, and annoying than going on a rilly long bike ride and having to sleep outdoors with all the females you know?

Watching a show about it. New low, ladykins!

Facts for Americans: Issue 1

A new feature in which I offer easy, informative tips that help you help me.

1. FACT If I can smell your perfume, you're wearing too much of it. Also, you are gross and no one really likes you!

2. FACT If you can't be bothered to put the date of your event in the Evite subject line, I can't be bothered to click once for reference, then look again later, then RSVP, then go back to write down where it is, then attend. Also, you are insecure or you would be confident that a simple, one-click email would be alluring enough to your viewers.

3. FACT If you ask what celebrity you look like, and then reply to the person's blank stare* with, "Just don't tell me I look like Matt Damon"? You don't look like Matt Damon.

* Afterward: The celebrity I was thinking of but couldn't remember at the time was a sneetch. Seriously, in profile, it was uncanny. Far cry from Sexiest Man Alive, thank you very much.

Rage Buster

Okay, okay, time for a breather:

Aaaaaah.

Stuff White People Hate

I believe there is a time and a place for every power struggle but when it comes to my relationship with my cleaning lady, I should have the upper hand.

It's true. I'm entitled. Still. First there was the scheduling conflict. I get up at 8:30, she insisted on coming over at 8, because that's when's good for her. Then the throwing-away of the cat toys. The constant hiding of the stuffed marsupail, presumably because I'm too old FTS.

Now it's reorganizing my shelves. I made one teeny tiny attempt at decorating, as inspired by a special someone: Books get organized by the color of their spine, knick knacks are placed accordingly. But no, I come home, the picture with me in a pink dress is by the black-spined books. The blue toy is by the red white and black books; the blue bottle on the orange/brown shelf. What?!? I know! It's madness, I tell you.

The internet: Catch the reference.

Roy G. FMe

Tonight we got our tests back. No, not the sheet with the questions on them. The Scantron sheets. Yes, we got a grid back with nothing to compare it to. Genius.

Two months ago I wasn't sure of the difference between a class at a real school that costs $1100 per credit and this one for $150. Turns out that extra $950 buys you one thing: context. It's like if there were a whole class on light, spectral colors, and the refractive index. $1100 per credit gives you an explanation of all the factors and how the whole system functions. The bargain-basement teacher strolls in and gives you nothing more or less than "Roy G Biv."

When students ask questions, our teacher frequently responds with some variation of, "You don't got to know that, just write this down, figure it out later." I loathe chemistry and am hardly in the mood for a challenge, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty disappointing if I, say, wanted a functional understanding of the subject matter.

Wednesday I asked a question and the conversation went like this:
Me: Can you help me do these electron configurations? I got most of them but this one has an odd number of electrons and I'm having trouble.
Teacher: Oh, I didn't teach you how to do that.
Me: I know, but I read the chapter and learned to do them, but I can't figure this one out.
Teacher: Oh, that's wonderful! What did you get on your test?
Me: 100. (Psh.)
Teacher: How great! You make me feel like I'm doing something right.

SEE PREVIOUS.

Transfollies Explained

So one topic that's starting to get a little media play but is still very hard for many people to understand, much less accept, is that of transfollicularism. And if you must know, I'm a CTS (curly-to-straight)-female. That means I'm a straight-haired person trapped in the body of a curly-haired individual. Growing up, this was very hard on my mom. As a bio-straight, she tried to teach me to accept my curly self, all the while sending the message that straight hair was pretty.

After spending the last three years of my life attempting to grow my stupid dog-throwup-looking curly hair long for once to see if that helped the situation (far vomity left), I finally broke up with my hair for good. For serious, on a good day I looked like a boring immigrant. So I got "top surgery"—magic secret thermal Japanese hair straightening. Sure it was boring and took six hours BUT now I look like the love child of Tom Petty and Katherine Moennig that I've always known I was inside (see likable picture above right).

Seriously, sticks are coming up to me on the street asking how to get hair this straight. It is great. It is my hope that with a few more documentaries on Sundance, people will eventually come to understand this complex subject. Maybe one day us transfolls will even get represented on The Real World!

I Have Many Passions

Besides just my love of education. For example, I greatly enjoy spaghetti, other pasta, pizza, ice cream, cheese, candy, and other edible items. From time to time I might discuss some of them. Also, I promise to start putting up pictures. SIGH.

Anyway, here is a new yogurt I am obsessed with. Especially the grapefruit lychee situation. It is not flavorfully any better than the Emmi Swiss pink grapefruit kind. But guess what? It has other exciting words attached. They aren't even flavors, they're just things I want! Flavor flavor verb flower? Don't mind if I do! God I love marketing:What I am saying is that I would buy Tomato Yum Rage Spaghetti Love sauce so fast it hurts.

What I Learned About Geiger Counters

So for last week's lab, I arrived to find that most of my group was there early, so they'd gotten started. There were seven or so people (at least three of whom are college graduates, FYI) crowded around a Geiger counter. What's that? It measures radioactivity. How's it work? You basically point a microphone at something, press "start," wait a minute, and then a machine that the microphonish thingy is attached to gives you a number. With me?

Anywho, my group had been working for about half an hour. But they kept getting the same number, no matter what substance they were trying to gauge and what sorts of radioactive shields they put in front of the substance. Dangit! Something must be wrong with the machine! Eventually I took a look at the directions in the lab book, compared it against the setup on our table, and came to a conclusion: The microphone-type part should be pointed at the item you're trying to get a reading for. Our microphone was standing upright, sensor-end pointing straight down. We'd successfully taken eight different readings of the radioactivity level of the desk.

The end!

I'm Changing My Major to Chemastery

Cuz I got a 100 on my test. Mmmhmm that's right and without tutoring even!

But let's get serious for a moment. The bad news is that only one other person got a 100. Memo to the other 20+ people in class*: SERIOUSLY?!

*Does not apply to ESL students. Svetlana is cool with me no matter what.