Post-Fire Update

In my line of work as an estate attorney, I'm frequently asked about how one's possessions will be handled post-passage. Something I hear probably six or seven times a month is, "What happens if I die in a fire?"

Well, here are the basics. First, all your burnt stuff goes into trash bags (toward the right of the frame in the pic below). This is taken from above so it's tough to capture the real scale but basically there's a gigantic hill of bags. Then the fire marshals come dig through it for your bed frame (over on the left) and reassemble it to try to track down the origin of the fire. Click if you want a sense of just what a mess this is.

That sits around for a few weeks until all the insurance stuff is dealt with, and then finally a crew comes and hauls all your stuff into a two-car-long Dumpster.
Said Dumpster is then filled to overflowing, emptied out, and then filled to the brim again, this time with all the burnt debris from your apartment, which now looks like this when you walk in the front door.

In terms of both legacy planning and general horribleness, this is not advisable. So please, don't die in a fire.

Late-Expressing Genetic Link

So after our final on Monday, a few of us went out for several drinks. The four of us who had all gotten BAs already were talking about the decision to start taking classes and eventually leave our jobs (two of us work in publishing/media, one is a "refurbishing specialist" or somesuch at a big Fifth Avenue store, and another works for a city health nonprofit). What we all have in common is that we're taking prerequisites so we can get into a second-degree BSN program... and our mothers are all nurses!

What I'm thinking is that if scientists can locate the exact nursing gene, they can reproduce it and graft it into regular people and stop the nursing shortage ASAP. Actually, what am I saying, "scientists"? I've had one semester of community college chemistry, I'm pretty sure I can take it from here.

PS This picture really is of my mom. She's super pretty. We look nothing alike sadly.

FAQ: Don't Be Ridiculous

What Are You Doing (Mondays and Wednesdays) the Rest of Your Life?

Let me know, because I will not be in class! WHOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO SUMMER.

PS to all those who were concerned by my decision to not study seriously for the final, it paid off timewise, as all the stuff I tried to cram on the subway ride down to school? Not on the test.

Also, in scientific prerequisite terms, I am 25% on my way to nursing school. Internet college starts Wednesday but still. I can't believe I went to college for an entire semester of boring chemistry. Remind me to tell you tomorrow about the breakthrough genetic discovery we made on the last day of class.

Status Report: FAIL

Bad news, fellow Americans. I have been tanning three times on the suggested regimen and so far there is not much to show for it, just my regular purplish-undertoned pastitude.

Fortunately, I am an optimist, so I choose to view this as validation. I have probably said one thousand times in the last three years that I have a deep, dark olive complexion. Well, it turns out that I do! That's why I'm not tan yet or even burned—because the powerful UV cancer tan rays cannot penetrate my external shell of golden brown. DUH.

However, I have developed a (quite rational, I might add) fear of being trapped in a subterranean upright tanning booth during an earthquake or terrorist attack. So if you're looking for a way to kill me that I do not like, this is your lucky day.

I Can't Even Believe This Was a CNN Headline

This was on cnn.com last night, true story. The one about the Air Force, see? (Since I know you're busy, just FYI it says "In-suit device solves Air Force's No. 1 problem," or click to enlarge for proof.) Anyway the article is about a new device that allows pilots to go pee while they're flying. So how is that the Air Force's top priority? Because they're going number one. GET IT?!?

If you're wondering why I clicked on a story about the Air Force, the truth is that I mistakenly read "In-suit device" as "Insult device" so obviously I had to look.

Fair Warning

I just wanted to do the fair thing and give my friends a heads-up that I won't be able to hang out with them very much this summer. Not because of classes—though internet Intro to Psychology does start on Thursday—but because I've decided to get a tan this summer, and at 3 sessions a week I'd imagine it's going to cut into my free time significantly.

Listen I know I've tried before and I've always failed, because I am a failure. But this time I'm approaching it with a renewed sense of optimism and dedication. This time I'm going to become the olive-hued Puerto Rican that I am inside. "But you can't tan!" people say. But I can, that is what I'm trying to tell you. "But you're beautiful the way you are!" people (might possibly) say (if questioned). But I'm not! That's the same thing they said about why I shouldn't exercise or straighten my hair. And it turns out they were LYING.

I tried last year but my heart just wasn't in it. I got a 10-pass to a tanning place and only managed to use 8 before it expired after three months. But so far I'm three visits in and it's only been five days (you're supposed to go 3 times a week for the first month). I AM ON A PATH TO VICTORY, and I cannot be stopped. Deep, dark, olive, chestnut-skin complexion.

See you in the fall!