Things I Thought Were Normal Until I Said Them Out Loud 3

Subtitle: The reason I always have way more laundry than anyone else in the laundromat.

So it has come to my attention that the average human has 25-45 pairs of thunderpants max. I clock in around 75. That is all.

Overheard at My Job

This was classic.

Girl on the phone with a restaurant: "I have a reservation tonight for 8, but there will be 9 of us now. Is that okay? No? But we can squeeze in, seriously, we're all really small. Nobody's over 100 pounds!"

Fortune Favors The Imaginary Nurse

Some people might think that I am very unlucky as of late. There was a fire in my building, I had to get stitches, I got in my first car accident, I struggle to retain cat dancers. However, I must point out a few facts:

1. The day of the fire, I went to the grocery store and found TWO bags of Easter-shaped SweetTarts for half-price, even though all the drug stores I'd searched the week before were totally out.
1A. Perhaps because Easter fell so early this year, the SweeTarts were extra-powdery and fresh. Could someone please research whether the production schedule is affected by the date upon which a holiday falls? Thanks!

2. I have two cats, and sometimes they sit like people!












3. My hair is straight.

So in light of that evidence, now who is unlucky? That's right, it's you. :(!

What's That You Say?

You don't understand why anyone would want to be a nurse?


Well I guess I just gave you about eight dozen good reasons. Now let's get this show on the road, shall we?

PS: Thanks again, America. You are awesome.

Hot Hot Hot! Spring Cleaning Tip

Soooooo yesterday there was a fire in my building and I learned a hot new organizational tool for getting rid of clutter.

When you're trying to decide whether to trash/donate/keep a certain item, perhaps you could ask yourself:

1. Do I really need this?

If no, get rid of it. If you say "Well, I miiiiiiight," then ask yourself:

2. How will I feel if my apartment catches fire and firefighters throw this thing out the window, so it gets stuck in a tree for everyone to see...


...or if it winds up strewn across the street for the general public to peruse...


...or if it becomes part of a large pile being inspected by a pack of fire marshal types?


If the answer to any of those is, "Retarded," then you can afford to get rid of the item.

Well Here is Something

Here is the first/best scene from the Australian junkie movie "Candy." It really sets you up for a heady film that doesn't actually follow. I am not the most youtubey lady around but I do watch this regularly because I haven't found this version of the song available to download.

Cruel Chemistress

Class tonight was boring. I made fun of someone (white, obvs) who asked me which numbers to subtract when the formula was right in front of her. Then my lab partners had this conversation.

Lab partner 1: Man, if I didn't know you [The Imaginary Nurse], I would think you are so sarcastic.
Lab partner 2: Well, I do know her [The Imaginary Nurse], and I still think she's sarcastic.
Lab partner 1: Right. But I mean I'd think what a sarcastic bitch.

Sure ladies, but just to be clear, I'm not just a sarcastic bitch. I am the sarcastic bitch who got ANOTHER 100 on her test and is ruining your curve/GPA/chances of getting into some school/future/life.