The Truth About Internet Dating

From time to time, people will ask me if I have any "crazy internet dating stories," or respond to one of my tales with, "Have you thought about meeting guys another way than internet dating?"

I'm here to tell you that many of the best and brightest in my galaxy of losers were from real life.

I met the harmonica-playing comic through two friends. He arrived to our third date reeking of alcohol; had an out-loud debate with himself about whether he should have dinner (our plans were for 8 pm on Saturday); pounded Scotch, red wine, tequila, and beer through the course of the evening; took me to a bar where he "happened" to be scheduled to perform; bombed and then refused to get off stage and get into insult-wars with the audience instead; then had a meltdown about "why" I had to see this. He took me home on the subway, because guess what... he had another show to get to, where the same thing happened. The whole time he muttered, "I'm sweet on you" and rested his head on my shoulder. (Great idea for anyone dating a tall chick and hoping to make her feel Amazonian, btw.)

I met the poet at the ice rink where I sometimes skate–you know, doing what I love or whatever. His borderline/narcissistic/Asperger's constellation exploded when he called to cancel the date he'd asked me on, then un-cancel but with the caveat, "Okay, but we should part ways right after dinner," then un-changed his mind and tagged along on the plans I'd made to have a drink with a friend after. Also: vegan restaurant, and that godforsaken Romanian movie about abortion. Way to wow a lady. Oh, then it turns out he just got dumped by his fiance three weeks before we met, which is exactly when he decided to take up hockey at the out-of-the-way rink where she works. When I said it wasn't working for me he yelled that he was fine now, he only freaked out that one day because he was afraid I'd want to sleep with him. (After all his talk of antidepressant-related side effects, how could I not?) So why wouldn't I just give him a chance? I still get his e-mail newsletters.

I met Strawberry Mulroney at a bar—again, doing what I love. We had two dates in September and he continued to leave me 1 AM voice mails at work through the following February. He's the reason I have window guards now.

Just saying.