Overheard at the Gay Card Store

Store guy: "Can I help you?"
50something Superqueen: "God helps those who helps ourselves, honey. I'm looking for a graduation card from grammar school... my lover is graduating."

MacArthur Genius Grant Award to Me, Please

For years I struggled with wanting to eat Pluck U chicken fingers (hot sauce, obviously), but also something chewy. Or a chicken sandwich, but also spicy. All the previous results? Messy.

Then it hit me: chicken fingers on a hot dog bun with blue cheese.

Self, where have I been all my life?

The Call of the Wild

So I was watching Into the Wild last night, and all I could think of during the scenes where it was snowy out and the guy found a school bus to live in is HOW GREAT those conditions would be for napping. Seriously.

Maybe the movie also spoke to me because I also recently went hunting for the first time. It was by accident, really. I went to Food Emporium and asked for a cooked lobster, but the guy said they were old and gross and I didn't want them. He offered me a live one, but I said I was scared, so he said he'd steam one for me if I gave him 12 minutes.

I walked in, the lobster was alive; I walked out, it wasn't. Visceral, like gutting a moose with your bare hands.

I guess if you had to pinpoint the one difference between my story and that of Christopher McCandless, it's that I didn't get maggots in my kill and starve to death. Instead, I went to the ballet, then came home and ate my lobster with some sea salt and vinegar chips, Cherry Garcia, and Diet Dr. Pepper. That's some Jack London shit, son.

Semester End Wrap-Up

A is for Anatomy, friends. ZZ is for my physiology. Ever since class ended, I've been reliving my sleeping glory days -- 12 hours a night on weekends, sometimes followed by a nap. I've still got it!

Also, for all my talk about never having opened my book, I'm lying. I used my book twice: once on a take-home test where I had to look up the names of nerves, and once yesterday because my friend who's planning a baby shower needed disgusting details about childbirth.

That's how you get good grades. Remember it.

It's What You Don't Say That Matters Most

Me: And then I went to a Leonard Cohen concert and [blah blah something happened].

Shrink: Leonard Cohen concert?! He's still alive?

New Fallback Career

Without even realizing it, I have recently become fluent in super-corporate-speak. I'm like a jargon robot!

I discovered this when a friend from high school asked me how to tell her boss why the maternity leave temp shouldn't be hired on permanently.

MyFriend (4:32:56 PM): but a) what do i say that's a professional complaint b/c "she's a lazy whore who's on her call phone all day and leaves for 90 min to go get massages and plays solitaire when she is here" doesn't seem appropriate
TheImaginaryNurse (4:33:13 PM): "i want to see her take more ownership of the projects and step up in her role"
TheImaginaryNurse (4:33:28 PM): "i feel sometimes when given tasks she waits for me instead of considering herself accountable to the client"
MyFriend (4:33:29 PM): haha it's like a translator!
MyFriend (4:33:41 PM): do it again!
MyFriend (4:34:09 PM): she's always working on personal stuff
TheImaginaryNurse (4:34:30 PM): "i feel she has the capacity to take on more responsibilities and i'm frustrated by her lack of proactivity"
MyFriend (4:34:46 PM): genius
TheImaginaryNurse (4:35:00 PM): "she's so talented nad successful when engaged but i'm not sure how best to motivate her, since she's not a self-starter"
MyFriend (4:35:10 PM): you're amazing
TheImaginaryNurse (4:36:15 PM): "she doesn't seem to feel empowered to make requested changes and participate in various meetings and conversations"

Let me know what I can translate for you!

(photo credit: Crystl, Flickr)

Upsides to Downswings

Sorry to make my blog so insanely personal for a second you know it's not my style but the fact is that for the last two months, I've been alternately super-moony or super-down because of what I'm going to call a Boy Problem (BP). And yeah I'm super embarrassed to admit that.

Still, here is what I've learned, so that you the viewer can take away some valuable lessons:

1. Freud's right. In sociology we learned about his theory of libido -- not as in sex drive but as in a human's energy reserves. They can only really go one place at a time. So the upside is that for a whole two months, as long as I was wrapped up in the BP, I was barely enraged by my job. Miracle! The down/upside is that today for the first time in two months, I felt a little bit of distance from the BP. The up/downside to that is that today, for the first time in two months, I wanted to build a suicide bomb and put my job in it. Jesus god. WTF.*

2. If you love someone, set them free. And also hook up with their coworker to teach them a lesson they'll never find out about. If they come back to you, or if they don't, who really cares, the whole thing is obviously a disaster to start with.

3. I'm a disaster. The good news is that I'm realizing that the same commitmentphobia that keeps me from being with someone is also probably very closely linked to my belief that I have no career future. They are both about having no frame of reference for being good enough to do something the rest of the world totally gets. And filling my time by taking classes and working out (and then drinking when I'm not doing those) serves both of those anxieties so I don't have to think about them. Yay self-medication!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure that most of you knew this and never told me. Sometimes I don't know why I go around bullying my friends and giving them tough love if they're never going to return the favor.

4. Question. Do you think I'm pretty enough to be on Tough Love 2? I mean, me neither, but how great would that be? I think Steve is like a mini Dr. Phil. I love them both. That reminds me, I need to read Love Smarts soon. And also all the career books I bought that I have in my room but never look at because if I'm not at work, why on earth would I want to read about it?!

* My favorite thing about my job is the people there and the relationships I've built there (excluding any references in #2). Except all those people are eight years younger than me, which makes me the pathetic old creepy lady I think, so seriously... FAIL.**

** Don't worry I'm a success at some things. I'm very tan now, for one, and BP was like 140 pounds so I lost some damn weight.

(photo credit, WolfS♡ul, Flickr)