:::MISSING ENDANGERED::: Squooshy Webber

Name:		Squooshy Weber
Classification:		Endangered Missing
Alias / Nickname:		Platty
Date of Birth:		1994
Date Missing:		8/27/08
From City/State:		The Imaginary Nurse's Bed
Missing From (Country):		US
Age at Time of Disappearance:		13
Gender:		Male
Race:		Platypus
Height:		10 inches
Weight:		8 Ounces
Hair Color:		Grey and Teal
Eye Color:		Blue
Identifying Characteristics:		Is a stuffed platypus
Circumstances of Disappearance:		Squooshy was last seen lounging on the bed of The Imaginary Nurse prior to an unannounced visit from her cleaning lady. Past visits have resulted in Squooshy being placed in the hamper, inside rolled-up sheets, in the shoe rack, in the cat toy pile, behind the television, and between couch cushions. Investigators theorize that cleaning lady thinks The Imaginary Nurse is too old to have stuffed animals. (The Imaginary Nurse would like to know how her cleaning lady expects her to hold her chin up while she sleeps if there is no stuffed platypus to wedge beneath her.) Squooshy went missing along with an eye mask that was later found under a pile of boxes in the corner of the room.
Investigating authorities:		FBI, NCIS, TIN
Reward:		Warm, fuzzy feeling (and warm, fuzzy platypus)
Contact:		theimaginarynurse@gmail.com

eGay

Recently I decided to get rid of some crap in my house, so I turned to eBay. I wasn’t out to make money, I just wanted stuff to go to someone who’d want it (or would put more effort into reselling it than I would). I happily sold a factory-sealed DVD box set I’d gotten free at work for $3. Good deal for them, right? I suppose there were early warning signs that my buyer was a micromanager:

8/10
Hi, Just wanted to let you know that I paid through pay pal and would you please mark the package three times with fragile on it. Have a great day. look forward to getting my law and order season 2 bye for now.

I sent the discs, then went on vacation. That’s when the COMPLETE AND UTTER PANIC started.

8/17
Hi I am realy said that I have to write to you. I got the Law and order second year a couple of days ago and last night we watched it for the first time. It arrived in great shape your shipping and packaging was first class. Episode one was great and then on the second show. the DVD player just jammed. and I cleaned teh dvd and tried again and the show jamed at the same spot. My player works great I watched dvds before and after i tried the law and order. so I am sorry but I think I need to get a full refund. I would like your address so I can send this back to you. I know you are just starting out in Ebay and I am sorry to bring you this problem. Have a great day.

Annoying, sure, but I’m on vacation and don’t care if someone feels they deserve a refund for their THREE DOLLARS. So I push the button to refund the money with a note to throw the discs away. (FYI, somehow the most appalling part of this to me is the implication that I'm "starting out" on eBay as some sort of income thing. I mean, three dollars people.)

8/19
Dear Seller<>

I mean. Just resell the discs already this is too much work to go through, especially since the tale reeks of either BS or OCD. Regardless, I send an email to the address listed saying it’s fine to throw the “defective disc” away.

8/21
dear seller this is my third email to you. once again thank you for the refund. I want to know waht you want me to do I can either mail law and order second season back to you or trash it. If you want me to mail it back i need your address if you want me to trash it I will. If i do not hear from you in the next two day I will just throw it away. have a great day.

8/22
Dear Seller: I just got off the phone with paypal and I can not just throw the dvd away I need a olay form you through the EMail or you can send me your address. Either way I can do I just want to resolve this. It is starting to be a problem. I just want to do right by you. So please an email saying throw season two law and order away or please give your address so I can send it back. Please respond to me. I was just going to throw the dvd away but I call paypl to make sure i could and they said I need writen instruction from you since it is your dvds. by for now.

This time I respond with “I have written you two times to say it’s fine to throw the discs away.” But don’t worry! My penpalship isn’t over yet! (Sidenote: Really? You called paypal to ask if you could throw away a DVD some stranger sent you?)

8/23
Thanks you that was so cool. I just got to see the email on Yahoo mail. It is all my bad and thank you again for the refund and the understanding . No more email from me I promise and thanks again.

I'm starting to see why I uncharacteristically liked the sci-fi book my brother sent me. People like this buyer and my boss make being eaten by zombies sound like sweet, sweet relief.

UPDATE
8/25
Imagine my delight to get an email with the subject line: "Please connect with me :)" with (what I pray is) a Reunion.com form letter that says:

I looked for you on Reunion.com, but you weren't there.

Please connect with me so we can keep in touch.

Vacation Reading Book Reviews 2

This time around I will be ranking these on a scale from one to five beach umbrellas.

Lush Life by Richard Price IIII
This book tells the story of a hum-drum killing in the Lower East Side (prolly inspired by this story). The narration jumps between the frustrated artist-waiter initially accused of the murder, the itchy teens who did it, and the cop leading the investigation. It's kind of like a thriller, only with "literature" cred. It seems to speak of the banality of most crime, and the anticlimactic way in which many cases are solved.

Mercy by Jodi Picout II
Some dude loves his cancer-ridden wife so much that when she asks him to, he smothers her to death. Some lady loves her husband so much that she accidentally smothers him emotionally and he has an affair. They're all related to one another and to some heroic Scottish warriors. Blah blah blah questions of love loyalty forgiveness selflessness family ho hum standard issue not bad not super

The Chris Farley Show by Tom Farley and Tanner Colby III 1/2
Oral history of the life of the now-legend. Very easy read, both engaging and insightful even though we all know the story already. I personally would have liked a few more of the ugly details about when things got bad, but the book still gives you the whole picture.

To the Power of Three by Laura Lippman I
This author wrote a book called What the Dead Know that's an Imaginary Nurse five-umbrella/tree mystery. This book, however, is lame-o. There's a school shooting in the first chapter--some girl shoots her one-time best friends and herself. But there's more to the story, obvs. Then the other chapters are just people doing stuff in the aftermath while wondering if there's more to the story. Then in the last chapter it tells you what more there is to the story. Suhnore. The suspense doesn't really build, it just wallows. Next.

World War Z by Max Brooks IIII
Were you to go on and read the subtitle, you'd know this is an oral history of the Zombie War, which is when the world is almost overtaken by zombies. I don't usually like science fiction but my brother gave this to me so I tried to power through and I would up really liking it. It's told in interviews with people all over the world who had very different experiences with the zombies, so you don't have to focus very hard on anything.

I know this is fewer books than I shuld have come back with, but you have to remember that the Olympics were on.

Where Would You Find a Book About Living in Zero-Gravity?

In the non-friction section!!!

Meet the Future Mr. And Mr. Imaginary Nurse

So this weekend I was doing what everyone does from time to time, shopping for kids online. (Since I'm now too fat to ever be marketable dating-wise, I decided I should skip to the next phase of my adult development.)

ANYWAY that's how I met these wonderful boys and I really wish I were a grown-up and/or a nurse who could find work in Alaska and/or a squillionaire. Because then I could adopt them and we could all live in a cone-shaped house with a fake polar bear rug in the middle of the floor and sleep in single beds shaped like sleighs (each one relative to our height) and have Easter egg hunts and oh my god.

I am thinking of asking my mom, the Actual Nurse, to adopt them and then I'll just come get them in a couple of years when I can support them. I'm her favorite, so it just might work. And she wants grandkids so this is perfect, she can just get them started for me.

Two New Lows

Last week I turned off Intervention before the first commercial. A whiny bulimic boozer dude? Snore.

Then tonight I started walking to the gym and then was so tired I turned around before I was halfway down the block. But don't worry, I ate two dinners to make up for it.

I bet if I died I'd look like the Montauk Monster.