Vacation Reading Book Reviews

I will be ranking these on a scale from one to five palm trees, because I cannot find the star symbol on blogger.

The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult JJ
A teenager says she gets raped and then there's some intrigue and her dad writes comic books and she runs away to Alaska. My least favorite of her books that I've read. 1. Nobody cares about cutters in 2008. Shut it. 2. Sorry to some selected readers, but I don't really understand graphic novels. This book gets one palm tree because I like Jodi Picoult's other books and another because I really do like stuff with Inuit history and legends. (Related: Read And She Was.) But she is sliding by on a technicality okay?

Beautiful Boy by David Sheff JJ
A memoir from a guy whose son is addicted to meth. I was super-excited to read this and then my mom brought it and yay, right? I really like junkie bios and thought this might be harrowing and hit a few chords from some personal experiences. But really it was just kind of eh. In fact, it was so forgettable that I didn't actually include it when I first did this entry because I didn't remember that I'd read it. Maybe I'm just numb from too many Interventions.

Old Books, Rare Friends by Madeline Stern and Leona Rostenberg JJJ
Nonfiction memoir by two old ladies who grew up in the teens and 20s in NYC and ran a rare books shop. I thought I would break with tradition and actually read one of the books my dad gave me. It was interesting reading about the women going to school and living in New York and traveling. And one of them discovered Louisa May Alcott's secret pulp writings, so that was interesting.

The Bookman's Wake by John Dunning :(
A Denver ex-cop and rare book salesman is hired to track down a previously-unknown copy of The Raven that's gone missing, along with a bail-jumper named Eleanor Rigby. I put it down because I couldn't make it through the pages and pages of background on the printing press that put out the book's copy of The Raven. Sorry, dude. This is the beach. I successfully finished this one once, so if you're curious about the series, start there?

Plum Lovin' by Janet Evanovich JJJ
A bounty hunter can only bring home her target by playing matchmaker for five freakazoids. I actually enjoyed this book and even laughed out loud at one part but I'm so embarrassed I even read it (we'll get to why in a moment) that I can only give it three palms. Three tiny palms, since the huge print (SO EMBARRASSING) means this is a tiny book.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini JJJJ
A guy remembers his glory days before the fall of Afghanistan to Russia and then the Taliban. Yeah okay this book was a quick read but you know why? Because it's Mystic River/The Prince of Tides/Peyton Place but I guess since it's set in Afghanistan liberals feel all intelligent for reading it. Guess what, liberals? I'm on to you! Wanna borrow my Plum Lovin'?

Web of Evil by J.A. Jance JJ
This lady becomes the prime suspect when her soon-to-be-ex-husband is murdered in the back of a trunk left on the railroad and then his knocked-up gf's mom gets killed. Okay look it was fine I'm not proud but a brief memo to the state of Florida, if I may: WTF?! I went into like 5 drugstores and supermarkets and the ratio of gross romance novels to mindless thrillers was like 99.5:1. So Web of Evil was that one. Man. Rough times. And I'll just say it: I don't like books where the heroine's mom gets kidnapped. Makes me uneasy.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro J
Kids in England attend an exclusive boarding school and come to realize the meaning of their shared secret. I suppose I should have done a little more research before I bought this. I'd eyed it when it first came out and went ahead and spoilered it by reading the library of congress keywords. (Spoiler alert: They're clones.) I also bought it because I decided I'd like to write* a melodramatic thriller called Never Let Me Down Again, and this sounded kind of similar. Thing is, I don't really like science fiction, and I definitely don't like things that remind me of my horrible grade and middle school years. So thumbs down. It can have one palm because it turns out it's sort of about a hospice nurse. But also, clones are boring it turns out.

*aka read

Questions

1. Do pelicans ever collide midair, as they're both diving for the same fish? 1A. Do they ever accidentally divebomb a person? 1B. Has anyone ever died from a pelican collision?

2. Do you think I could fit out of an airplane window? I don't. I think even if I made it out halfway I'd get stuck somewhere around the pelvic girdle and then the people behind me inside would panic and try to push me out and they'd break me in two. So I'm probably not going to try it.

3. Do you think that, from the ground, airplanes on the same flight path on different days look closer/farther away? I do. I think it has something to do with the earth's rotation, sun's positioning, weather conditions, and trigonometry, but I'm not smart enough to figure it out by myself.

If you know the answers to any of these, please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Fun Game

So here is a good project to occupy you on road trips and the like. All you do is invent a ridiculous murder, then come up with the corny pun-like line that David Caruso will say when he finds the victim right before the opening credits.

Like maybe there's a shootout at a massage parlor and the ME is telling Horatio that it looks like it might be a front for some other type of business, or maybe it's a body and some bruising is starting to indicate that maybe the person got too hard a massage and hours later their spleen ruptured and they died while on a rollercoaster, and Khandi Alexander goes "Who would do such a thing?" and David Caruso goes, "Ah, there's the rub."

So one I would like to see, and it's not really a pun, but it's a rhyme I learned and I sure would like to hear David Caruso say it, is where there's a body washed up shore, except some pieces are missing (or disheveled or something), probably due to pelican interference. And David Caruso goes, "What a strange bird is the pelican. For its beak [puts on sunglasses] can hold more than its belly can."

Your turn!

Show Idea/Future Career Plans

So there's this supersmeller, see? (Like a supertaster but with her nose?) And she singlehandedly solves all sorts of crimes. She goes into crime scenes and sniffs around and explains what happened (like there's a bunch of blood but no body WHAT HAPPENED? Don't worry she can smell gunpowder in the air) or pretends to be a deputy walking guys in for a lineup but really there's no one behind the glass and she can ID the suspect from his scent. I don't know exactly what it's called but the tagline is definitely about how she can sniff out crime—don't be ridiculous.

FYI? Related ads when you search for supersmeller on NYT.com:

» Fart Noises

» Fart Machine 2

» Fart Sounds

» Farting

» Funny Fart

My Unofficial Party Endorsement

Those of you who know me know that I don't (or rather, shouldn't) get too involved in politics. However I have finally found an organization that sums up everything I stand for and want from my nation. Join with me and let's make a difference!

Where Exactly is the New Location?

I took this picture in Times Square, which is located at about forth-fixth and Broadway.

Here's a Good Sympathy Card to Give

..if you are a total dick.











Click to read yourself but in essence
Front: Sorry to hear about your unimaginable loss.


Inside: It's all about me.