So Last Week I'm On The Phone

And some guy who wants to do partner content (with my real job, not this amazing piece of bloggery) says that we share a lot of the same ideaspace. So in the future, when you hear that I've died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the ideaspace, you will know where I got the term.

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

This dystopian docudrama follows, in real time, six days in the lives of two rival criminals as they engage in prankster brinkmanship.

Along the way, they reference 9/11 and the Oklahoma City bombing as a means of proving that President Bush was the real hero for staying the course. Because you may lose a few men, but you don't negotiate with lunatic thugs—you hang them.

As a bonus, the movie is so long and boring and bleak that your mind wanders to what happens when the next terrorists hit and you have to leave the city on foot and try to figure out the best way to kill your cats so that they don't suffer when you abandon them, and then you hope you die. The end. John McCain 2008.

And speaking of movies that America loves I will tell you what other movie was boring. The George Clooney Tilda Swinton lawyer movie that was all the rage. Michael Clayton I think it might have been called. The whole g-d movie was about a memo that, if the dude was so tortured about having, he could have just faxed anonymously. I mean the end. Why all the talky talk and the alleged acty-act? The Dark Knight forced me to relive this rage all over again.

Style Consult, Please

I'm a big enough man (literally, so fat) to admit when I need help. Like now. I need someone to help me understand Ed Hardy clothing. Three months ago I feel like I'd never heard of him/it. First I started seeing it on the gays, and I did not think anything of it, for I was not a gay. Then I started seeing it on the Euros, and still I did not think anything of it, for I was not a Euro. And now I'm seeing it on the urban youth, and I am thinking something of it. I'm thinking, "What exactly does this label culturally signify?!?" I'm not evolved enough to admit there may be a type of clothing that appeals to people across the board. I need to know what subculture I'm looking at. So please, someone explain.

But also the Ed Hardy bathing suits at Macy's were like the best ones there.

Photo Library Findings

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moar funny pictures

From Bad to Worse

That reality TV problem I mentioned a few days ago? Got uglier when I found myself staying up to watch (a rerun) of "Step it Up and Dance." Help.

And it turns out that breaking a fork with my snout mouth was only the beginning. The day after I typed that, I was eating so voraciously that I bit my tongue. Hard. As in, so hard I almost started crying. and then 20 minutes later looked and saw that I'd sliced off a flap of skin and was still bleeding. Photo below may be disturbing to some viewers. Especially those sensitive to tongue lesions.

That is called being a pig, people.

Okay Okay Okay

Here is a new post. Thing is, I have a job now, so I have to take all my good ideas and throw them on a list to use there. Don't worry, once the site actually launches and I discover that there are "limits" as to what I can write, I'll put all the good stuff back here.

But even though I have a very glamorous, very important new job in which I am changing lives EVERY SINGLE SECOND, I still have problems, you know? I'm not untouchable. Here are a few things I'm grappling with this summer:

• Although I still work out, I work in a very cupcake-heavy environment, and I have put on 73 pounds in just four weeks.
• I can't figure out how to walk the four blocks from the new icy place to my apartment without eating the entire thing on the way. FYI: cantaloupe, lychee, black cherry, and regular cherry (well, technically it's called FDNY Cherry but I don't recognize FDNY as a sovereign adjective) are all delicious. Pink grapefruit was surprisingly bland.
• I have some issue with my frontal lobe that makes me unable to stop my impulse to watch any competitive reality show ever made. I've watched Design Star, Shear Genius, America's Best Dance Crew, and the Legally Blonde show in the last week, and tomorrow I re-board the Project Runway bus. What a loser!!!!
• I can't decide whether to eat pizza, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, or burritos for dinner.

Today I was so hungry that I bit a tine off my fork. True story.