Overheard at the Gay Card Store

Store guy: "Can I help you?"
50something Superqueen: "God helps those who helps ourselves, honey. I'm looking for a graduation card from grammar school... my lover is graduating."

MacArthur Genius Grant Award to Me, Please

For years I struggled with wanting to eat Pluck U chicken fingers (hot sauce, obviously), but also something chewy. Or a chicken sandwich, but also spicy. All the previous results? Messy.

Then it hit me: chicken fingers on a hot dog bun with blue cheese.

Self, where have I been all my life?

The Call of the Wild

So I was watching Into the Wild last night, and all I could think of during the scenes where it was snowy out and the guy found a school bus to live in is HOW GREAT those conditions would be for napping. Seriously.

Maybe the movie also spoke to me because I also recently went hunting for the first time. It was by accident, really. I went to Food Emporium and asked for a cooked lobster, but the guy said they were old and gross and I didn't want them. He offered me a live one, but I said I was scared, so he said he'd steam one for me if I gave him 12 minutes.

I walked in, the lobster was alive; I walked out, it wasn't. Visceral, like gutting a moose with your bare hands.

I guess if you had to pinpoint the one difference between my story and that of Christopher McCandless, it's that I didn't get maggots in my kill and starve to death. Instead, I went to the ballet, then came home and ate my lobster with some sea salt and vinegar chips, Cherry Garcia, and Diet Dr. Pepper. That's some Jack London shit, son.

Semester End Wrap-Up

A is for Anatomy, friends. ZZ is for my physiology. Ever since class ended, I've been reliving my sleeping glory days -- 12 hours a night on weekends, sometimes followed by a nap. I've still got it!

Also, for all my talk about never having opened my book, I'm lying. I used my book twice: once on a take-home test where I had to look up the names of nerves, and once yesterday because my friend who's planning a baby shower needed disgusting details about childbirth.

That's how you get good grades. Remember it.